Jab Tak Hai Jaan…it ain’t over yet!

The Universe is always sending you signs, so…stay tuned!

December 31 has always been special for Vaani and me in the past decade or so.

It was on this day, in 2007, that we were told by our lawyer S.Vijayaraghavan (Read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal) that we were bankrupt! Realizing that we just had Rs.2,000/- left with us in hand, with our bank accounts running in deficit, all our gold jewelry pledged, no real estate investments, insurance or stock options to fall back on, and Rs.5 crore outstanding to 179 creditors (I call them Angels in my Book!), we had gone to Vijayaraghavan to seek professional, legal counsel. Aashirwad was 17 and getting ready to go to college, Aanchal was barely 13. Our Life, that day seemed so dark, so hopeless, so impossible to salvage. It seemed to the two of us that it was all over! What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

So, in a sense, today marks a unique anniversary in our Life. Of our bankruptcy!!!

There’s an unforgettable throwback to that day. Earlier in April of 2007, Aashirwad and I travelled to Rajasthan on a vacation. We visited the holy dargah of Khwaja Moinuddin Chisti (1141~1236 CE), the Garib Nawaz, in Ajmer. I instantly felt connected with the energy of the place. I experienced the same Higher Energy at the dargah that I had felt at the Vatican in 1995 or while visiting our family’s native shrine, the Mangottu Bhagavathi Kaavu, in Athipotha (Palakkad, Kerala). My own views on God and religion have evolved over the years – but I can surely relate to a Higher Energy, which is also why I occasionally visit select shrines – to “repair and recharge”. Following our visit to Ajmer, perhaps because I had left my business card with the person who arranged our visit at the dargah, I kept receiving mailers every month. The mailer always had an appeal to contribute to a scheme to feed the poor at the shrine daily and it had the Garib Nawaz’s scared thread – something that believers tie around their wrists as a talisman. Each time I got the mailer I would ask my office to make a small contribution to the feeding scheme and I would forget about the mailer. This went on, for 6 months, almost mechanically. I never understood why I got those mailers. But on that day, around 5.30 pm, I stopped by at my office, after that fateful meeting with Vijayaraghavan. That was the first time I had heard the word “bankruptcy” with reference to our debt-laden, cashless situation. I was struggling to internalize what he had told us. And my practical, logical instincts told me that “there was no way out for us”! As I rode the elevator up to our office on the third floor, in those 30 seconds, I closed my eyes and meditated on the “Higher Energy” that powers the Universe. I prayed: “Show me a sign that we will make it!” It was, on a logical plane, a wasteful prayer. It was a captain’s valiant effort to see through a dark, stormy night, looking for a passing vessel, when his own ship was almost sunk! The elevator jerked as it reached the third floor. I opened my eyes and stepped out. I walked to my desk and I found a fresh mailer from the Garib Nawaz’s dargah sitting there, on top of a set of papers demanding my immediate attention! My assistant told me it had arrived that afternoon. Was that “the” sign? If you had asked me then, I would have been unsure. But 9 years on, we still are surviving, tethering at the edge at most times, but we are still there – hopeful and sure that we will make it! Was that “the” sign? You bet, it was!

Yet, as you can see, we have not just survived. We are driven now by a Higher Purpose – of Inspiring Happiness! So, we go about sharing, with all those who care to pause and reflect, through the lessons we have learnt from this cathartic phase in our Life, that it is possible to be happy despite the circumstances! So, December 31 has now become an anniversary of an awakening we have had – we have realized that if you let go and trust the process of Life, you will always be looked after!

December 31 was also the day, in 2012, when my wonderful publisher, Westland, made me an offer that I could not refuse – to publish Fall Like A Rose Petal. To me and Vaani, it is not just another Book. It is a spiritual journey. That offer came at a time when we were in a torrid phase in our bankruptcy, of complete worklessness (eventually we went on without an income stream for 30 months from June 2012 to December 2014)! The Book, which was launched only in August 2014, gave us a reason to last one more day each time, it gave meaning to why we were going through what we were.

Last evening, Vaani and I spent some time reflecting on the year gone by and told each other, no matter how tough the coming year would be, we would continue to remain focused, purposeful and dogged in our efforts to turn around the business (so that we could repay all our debt) and to Inspire Happiness among all those we connect with.

This morning as I got ready to go for a meeting at a Starbucks store, I reviewed our money situation. I didn’t have money on me for entertaining my guest, a business associate. My Starbucks loyalty card had just enough cash for one coffee. So, I arrived at the store planning to offer my guest the drink and decided to not have a coffee myself. But I reached the store ahead of my guest. A friend who was already there greeted me. She said she had been planning to reach out to me, to be my Santa – she wanted to load my Starbucks loyalty card with her gift!!! I protested. But she said she had been in touch with Vaani on this but, for some reason, she had not been able to do an online payment into my account. Before I knew it she had taken my Starbucks loyalty card from my hand and had loaded it with Rs.2000/-! I am so overwhelmed; I am still to make sense of her compassion, her generous gesture.

The symbolism of the convergence of Rs.2000/- and December 31 in our Life is not lost on us. This small miracle of a gift on my Starbucks loyalty card is yet another sign from the Universe. It seems to say to me and to Vaani: “Hang in there! If you are alive, it ain’t over yet!”

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To free yourself from painful episodes, move on!

Unless you “allow” someone to hurt you emotionally, you will never suffer.

Facebook reminded me yesterday, December 29^th, that it was the fourth anniversary of a very painful incident in my Life. In the wee hours of that morning, after several rounds of drinks at a school reunion, I had prevented my chaddi-buddy from riding his two-wheeler back in a drunken state. Besides Vaani, I had a driver with me, so we offered to drop my friend home. He refused to take our advice and rode away. However, at the kerbside outside the club, where we had met, he was stopped by the cops. I saw him trying to deal with the cops. So I got down from the car and implored the cops not to allow him to drive back home in that state. The cops seized his vehicle. My friend slapped me in a rage of fury. And grumpily took an auto-rickshaw home. Later that day, without naming him, I posted on Facebook that people of my generation, with teenaged and young adult children, must avoid drinking and driving; we must set an example. Some of my class fellows took objection to my post as a. it washing school group linen in public and b. I was interfering with the personal Life and choice of my school buddy. I tried explaining my point in the school group. But I was shouted down. It was this post that Facebook threw up yesterday as a memory!

My friend, whose vehicle had been impounded, pinged me the next day saying that he had spent Rs.3500/- on getting it released. He said my ‘over-zealousness’ had, apart from causing him emotional hurt, apart from intruding on his privacy, also cost him a princely sum. There was not much money I had, we were struggling as much then as we are today, but I reached him Rs.3500/- to compensate for his financial loss.

That was the last I interacted with my friend. We did meet here and there; he would barely acknowledge my presence or disapprovingly look away. He also unfriended me on Facebook.

When I looked back at the incident after I re-read my old Facebook post, I smiled to myself. What a powerful lesson this painful episode had taught me! Which is to move on, to emotionally free myself from an incident and its fallout. This is how I have remained without suffering although the pain from it all sometimes comes back trying to stir my emotions – as it happened when the Facebook post resurfaced yesterday!

My experience with my friend may appear unique. But it is not.

People often do things to us because of how they see Life. We see Life differently so we don’t quite appreciate or agree with what they are saying or doing. The best way to deal with such situations and people is to simply move on. It may not always be possible for us to forget whatever has happened, but we can surely forgive ourselves and others for what happened. The more you cling on to a hurt, an insult, an abuse, a betrayal, the longer you will suffer. Interestingly, unless you “allow” someone to hurt you emotionally, you will never suffer. If you treat people with the view that everyone is entitled to their opinions and behaviors, you will never be emotionally disturbed no matter what people do to you. I am sure my friend had reasons for the way he saw the episode and my involvement in it. And I have my reasons. Through this experience I have learnt that, no matter what a context is, you must never “wish” you were treated better. It is this wishing that causes your suffering. And never really the person or the event that has upset you.

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National Anthem, on the rocks!

Citizenship can be ordered about, but nation-ness comes from within!

On Tuesday evening, after a Talk I delivered at a Rotary Club, we sang the National Anthem at the end of the meeting. I get goosebumps every time I sing or hear Jana Gana Mana. That’s me. And I felt those goosebumps again that evening.

As far as I know, in half a century of being Indian, every Indian gets those goosebumps. And every Indian relates to our Anthem in their own special, private, unique way. Therefore, I find the drama over the recent order by the Supreme Court avoidable – it makes playing of the National Anthem in movie halls mandatory, and by inference, insists that people respect the song by standing up while it plays its 52-second length. I feel if people were not told that they have to respect the Anthem by standing up, had the Court order been understood as just to be playing the Anthem mandatorily, there would have not been an issue. Sadly now, the whole idea behind the playing of the Anthem in movie halls is not being understood, it is being interpreted and resisted!

As a case in point, I found a young friend’s recent comment on Facebook very disturbing. She said she did not stand up to the Anthem in a movie hall and instead preferred being called a ‘traitor’ by some members of the audience. I am sure she didn’t mean that she is a ‘traitor’; I am also sure she is not okay being jeered at and taunted by jingoists. What we must recognize here is that her choosing not to stand up for the National Anthem is symbolism; basically, what is unstated and what she – and several million other Indians – are trying to communicate is that “the state cannot dictate how I must feel for my country”. And I completely agree with that sentiment. To my knowledge, movie halls in Maharashtra have been playing the National Anthem for the longest time – and without any fuss. I have watched movies there and I have sung the Anthem with joy and fervor – and have had my goosebumps! Clearly, not standing up to the National Anthem, when it is played, is not being anti-national.

In fact, I want to go back in time to Republic Day, 2000. A.R.Rahman and Bharatbala launched the Jana Gana Mana video album that day. The President of India K.R.Narayanan released it in the Central Hall of Parliament. The album featured 35 leading Indian artists – vocalists and instrumentalists – coming together to create an unputdownable, timeless work of art. The video, which had the Anthem in subtitles in 16 Indian languages, did not stipulate that standing up as a mark of respect to the National Anthem was mandatory. In fact, it would not be very comfortable to stand for the entire duration of the video; the physical strain would certainly take away from soaking in the beauty of the song’s rendering! It is best enjoyed in private, in solitude, when reflecting. I have often had a glass of whisky by my side as I have let Gurudev Rabindranath Tagore’s lyrics of the Anthem, Rahman’s music and the rendering by various music maestros, take me on a pilgrimage of being Indian. And almost always, goosebumps apart, I have been moved to tears. For me, on the rocks, both whisky and the National Anthem, are awesome! I treasure that album because it helps me not just revisit but also celebrate my Indian-ness. It is a strong reminder that citizenship can be ordered about – given, taken away – but nation-ness comes from within, it is a deeply personal, spiritual feeling of longing and belonging.

However, the response to the queer Supreme Court order must not be what it is today. Okay, question the logic if you like. But don’t protest it, don’t resist it. Anything that you resist will cause your suffering. Instead surrender yourself to the joy of your Indian-ness by celebrating the Anthem. It appeals differently to each of us. You can never package patriotism, your Indian-ness, in a framework and generalize it – which is what the interpretation of the Supreme Court ruling is ending up doing. So, let’s go past that order’s letter and recognize the spirit in each Indian, which is a right to feel Indian in their own special way. It is a birthright, a jamnasiddha adhikar, not merely a Constitutional one. So, celebrate your Indian-ness by embracing the Anthem, by living it and by respecting it.

What is most admirable about India is how the National Anthem, without any formal, enforced education, is known to so many, many, Indians. This is a country where so many rules exist. And almost all those rules are flouted by the aam Indian – from not wearing helmets while riding two-wheelers to drinking and driving to littering in public spaces to paying petty bribes….the list is endless. Yet, nowhere is it mandated that you must sing the National Anthem to prove your Indian-ness – for instance, it is not a pre-requisite for issuing you a Passport or Aadhaar card; but still, so many million Indians know and sing the Anthem. And almost everyone, always, stands up in respect in public spaces – without any direction or reminder. This is the Indian-ness that we must preserve and nurture. In fighting a Court’s ruling, don’t let your inner Indian-ness, your peace, be vitiated.

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Profit from happiness, let go of whatever is pinning you down!

You learn not to carry a disappointment in you when you realize its futility.

Yesterday, I delivered my ‘Help Yourself To Happiness’ Talk at a Rotary Club. I shared anecdotes and learnings from my Life (read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal), telling people that we all have the choice to be happy despite our circumstances.

A member of the audience came forward after my Talk and asked me, “What is your biggest disappointment?”

I replied, instantaneously: “I have no disappointments.”

“But how can that be,” suggested the gentleman, “when you are in such a terrible financial state, when you have no money to cover even your living expenses, when you owe so much to so many people. How can you say you have no disappointments in Life?”

I smiled and shared my learning from Life with the man.

It is not that I had not felt disappointed before. It is not as though I don’t feel disappointed when our efforts to put our business back on track fail every single time that we try. But you learn, I told him, to not carry a disappointment in you when you realize its futility.

What is a disappointment? Simple – an unfulfilled expectation is a disappointment. A lost opportunity causes a disappointment. But Life does not bother whether you have an expectation or not. If you have an expectation from Life, and it goes unfulfilled, it is your problem. Life just goes on. Similarly, you got an opportunity, and if you blew it, it’s your problem. Life gave you that opportunity, you did not make use of it. Who is to blame? And what is the point in holding on to the blame, the guilt, the disappointment – the lost moment, the lost opportunity is never going to come back. So, why hold on endlessly to this feeling of  being disappointed?

In my case, surely, there’s a lot of scope for disappointment – I need not have taken some business decisions that led to our Firm’s bankruptcy and to my family being pushed to the brink of penury. I ought to have saved money for our children’s future, when our business was doing very well, and when my wife used to implore me to do so. That time’s gone. Those questionable decisions were made. The opportunities were lost. Events happened and we are in the state we are in. What has happened is irreversible. What’s the point in being disappointed now about whatever has happened in the past?

Understanding and avoiding disappointments helps in any context in Life. A disappointment always brings grief and depression along with it. Together they make a debilitating cocktail of emotions that can hold you hostage forever. Instead of being a slave to these emotions, be free. Learn from your mistakes, your choices, your decisions and let go of all disappointments and guilt. Forgive yourself for what you did. Forgive others for what they have done. This does not mean you become casual about what you have caused. This is not abdication or irresponsibility. I certainly don’t see dropping disappointments as irresponsibility. In fact, in choosing to remain non-worrying about my future, non-frustrated about the outcomes of my efforts, and non-suffering about whatever pain I am having to undergo, I am actually helping myself to happiness. This state of happiness helps me focus. It helps me see the futility of being pinned down by disappointments. It helps me let go of any wasteful emotion that will weigh me down – like anger, grief, guilt, anxiety, worry, fear – whatever! It is only through focus and fervor that I can retain the faith to change my current reality. So, to me, happiness is a hugely profitable choice.

You too can profit from happiness. Just let go of all your disappointments and whatever is pinning you down. Feel liberated, find focus and move forward – freely!

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Experiencing Zen with a cup of green tea

When you are merely activity-driven, you are never present in the moment!

We met a young lady recently who is obese, has hypertension and complained of her inability to stay focused. As we sipped some filter coffee, she tucked into a badushah (a sweet doughnut!). But even before she had finished eating it, she had checked her phone a few times, she had looked around the café and exclaimed that her Life had become monotonous, predictable and dreary. She confessed that she is simply not able to prioritize and manage her time and tasks effectively; she wondered what she must be doing to fix her “poor attention span” problem.

Many people are in this young lady’s situation – grappling with their home and work schedules, unable to find time for themselves, coping with lifestyle-related challenges like diabetes and hypertension and, overall, just going through the paces of Life, never really being able to live it fully! There’s only one way such people can “re-invent” themselves. They have to learn to be mindful. It’s not a method, it’s an art – and it can be mastered with understanding and practice.

Mindfulness is the ability to just be, to be in the present moment. Many a time, we keep doing stuff – cooking, cleaning, driving, smoking or eating. We don’t concentrate on what we are doing. Our mind is elsewhere. Our activities then are just chores. Our actions are not mindful, they are really mindless, mechanical. Which is why we are unable to “see” that some of what we could be doing is “ruinous”. We know, for instance, that smoking is ruinous, over-eating is ruinous, not exercising is ruinous, worrying is ruinous. But we go on doing these things. Mindlessly. Which is why observing your own Life, and viewing it dispassionately as a third party, helps. When you observe yourself you will realize how mindlessly you go through your days. You simply are going through hurried motions. You are not present in any of your actions. You are merely activity-driven. You are never in the moment. For instance, you are working overtime to send your kids to school – but never pausing to celebrate and enjoy their innocence. You are rushing to finish your bath – but are never enjoying your body. You are eating in a rush – but are not tasting and relishing your food. You are texting away madly – but are never celebrating how much smaller the world has become thanks to Facebook and WhatsApp. You go on worrying endlessly – without realizing that worrying doesn’t solve any problem and only keeps you away from enjoying whatever you have! It is only by being mindful in each moment that you can really understand what about you needs to change.

Try a simple exercise in mindfulness. Make yourself a cup of green tea. And drink it patiently enjoying every sip. Feel the tea energize you as it enters your body. Don’t let your thoughts wander. Be focused on experiencing the tea travel within you. Examine how you felt while drinking it. This experience of being one with the tea, this feeling, is what mindfulness is all about. This is what is Zen. Practice this in everything that you do. When cooking, focus on the recipe and its preparation, on the aroma, on the taste! When driving focus on the road and the joy of navigation; if the traffic is messy, don’t complain, just soak in all that you observe and be grateful for your ability to see, to drive, to own a vehicle or simply to even be in a vehicle – compared to so many others who don’t have all that you do! When on Facebook, celebrate the opportunity to connect with the world, your world. Every time your mind wanders, to a past event and makes you feel guilty or to a future event and makes you anxious, bring it back to attend on whatever you are doing now. Remember the human mind is like the human body. It will resist any change first. But repeatedly bringing the mind back to focus on the present, you can train it to let go of the past and to not indulge in the future.

Please don’t treat this suggestion of the “green tea experience” as a one-off experiment in Zen. Every once in a while step aside from your Life and observe yourself. As a third party. You will then discover how much you have to change for your Life to change! Conversely, only when you are fully present in each moment, are you alive in it. It is only then that you are living the moment fully. When you live each moment fully, you will realize its value. And through this realization, you will be able to transform yourself – your priorities, your work, your health and your Life!

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A near-empty auditorium, a band of musicians, a blessing and a learning!

You are not the audience, you are the music.

Yesterday, we had gone to listen to one of our friends who is an established singer in the Madras Music Season circuit. Just the other day, her picture was featured in a leading newspaper’s coverage of the Margazhi season. So, she’s no beginner in the circuit, no novice. Yet, at a prominent sabha yesterday, in an auditorium that can easily seat 500, there were hardly 10 people present to listen to her and her band of musicians. It was a late-afternoon free kutcheri. As we settled into our seats, we whispered to each other that it can be a daunting task for any musician to perform to a near-empty auditorium. But our friend and her co-musicians performed beautifully. The selection of pieces, their range, was eclectic, their performance was uninhibited by the sparse showing in the hall, and the concert lasted its entire 2-hour tenure.

Admirable, I thought! Bravo, in fact!

I know that near-empty halls are par for the course for upcoming musicians in the sabha circuit during the Madras Music Season. But for an established musician, poor audience response, can be very unnerving.

I know, because I am a speaker. I am always addressing audiences – either leading workshops in corporates or delivering my Talks or curating conversations that inspire happiness in public spaces. I know that speakers, dancers, singers, performers – all of us thrive off the energy of our audiences. Yet, to learn to be detached from audience response – either criticism or poor showings – is an art. It is an all-important lesson in dissolving your ego.

Now, it is quite natural that when you begin to develop a craft which has a public appeal, you look for gratification from audiences. Over time, this gratification becomes a necessity. And you start identifying yourself with your audience. This is so totally avoidable. Because, if you are a speaker, or you are musician, you must realize that you are not your audience. You are your thought, your music, your craft. You don’t perform for your audience. You perform for your inner joy. If that joy connects you to audiences, great. If not, great again! Simply preserve, nurture and celebrate your inner joy – through your expression, your performance!

I remember an instance from 2014 when I too performed to a near-empty venue. My Book Fall Like A Rose Petal had just been launched. And we had organized a promotional event at the Odyssey bookstore. But cyclonic weather had crippled normal Life in Chennai. We however decided to soldier on with the Program. Only 20 people showed up at the venue which had a capacity to hold 100. The Odyssey folks confirmed that the average turnout for most of their events was about 70. They too were seeing such a poor showing for the first time! But event curator and host for the evening, Chennai’s famous RJ Mirchi Deva, and I had a beautiful conversation between us. The empty chairs did not matter to us. We were sharing and learning from each other through the story of my Life, through my Book. We talked about happiness, contentment and lessons in dealing with debilitating emotions and living in the moment! When the event got over, a lady, in her late 20s, who was sitting alone in the otherwise empty front row, walked up to me and said that the conversation made a huge difference to her Life. She said she had stepped on to the street that evening to pick up some snacks. The streetside vendor gave her the snacks wrapped in a copy of a newspaper that carried an announcement about my event. She said she didn’t pause to think. The moment she read the announcement, she boarded a bus and came straight to the venue. She said, “It looks like you held this event just for me.”

I was humbled. Indeed it was true. Of the 20 people who were in the audience that evening, a few were from the bookstore’s organizing team, several were our friends who were primarily there to express solidarity with us and she was one among the four real guests who had braved the inclement weather!

That episode reiterated a learning in me. Which is, that as long as we look for gratification from outside of us, we will always be disappointed, the chances of suffering are pretty high. But when you do something only for your inner joy, when you do whatever you do to celebrate yourself, you can never be unhappy. It doesn’t matter who’s listening, who’s in the audience, who’s liking you or whether you are rich or famous, what matters is, are you enjoying the process of expressing yourself! If you are, then none can be happier or more blessed than you are! And almost always, whoever needs to benefit from your expression, from your sharing, will always find their way to you – not because of you, but because they are ordained to be there!

Yesterday, in that near-empty auditorium, watching that band of musicians perform, immersed in their inner joy, with such detachment was, I guess, both a blessing and a learning!   

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Of Rithvik, Sandeep, you and me – and why comparisons are always wasteful!

Just let the song in you play – it doesn’t really matter what others play or have to say!

The past few days we have been doing a round of the free kutcheris on the Madras Music Season circuit. I don’t understand Carnatic music the way it should be – I don’t know how to identify ‘raagams’, I don’t know the nuances of the art form, I don’t know the compositions, in fact I know precious little about the genre. Yet I lose myself whenever I find any music moving me from within. Immersion, I guess, works for me with music, more than academic understanding, more than being a connoisseur. The concerts this season that I have so far been to featured the veteran Hyderabad Brothers and the young, happening, Sandeep Narayan and Rithvik Raja.

Sandeep and Rithvik have both been guests on my popular Bliss Catchers Event Series. Sandeep is a disciple of Sanjay Subrahmanyan; Rithvik has been learning from T.M.Krishna. According to me, both the young artistes are very versatile, hugely talented singers. But I often find people comparing them to their gurus and to each other. I find such comparisons really misplaced and quite unnecessary. Someone who was in the audience in Sandeep’s concert remarked that he’s “better” than Rithvik – and “that’s because Sanjay’s better than TMK”. A FB post remarked that Rithvik’s “soft-natured rendering” was “nothing” in comparison to Sandeep’s “aggressive” stage presence. Then there are those who lament about how TMK does more things than just sing. And how they hope “at least” Rithvik will stay the course on music. Of course, there are those who swear by TMK, and “therefore”, by Rithvik. They are quick to add that Rithvik will emerge as the numero uno soon!

To those soaked in the fever of the Music Season these comments may appear to be part of the usual sabha canteen banter. But to me they are symptomatic of a social trend, a malaise – which is to treat Life as a race, as a competition, where someone necessarily has to trounce someone to win; which also means that one has to always be better than the rest! I know Sandeep and Rithvik personally. And I see no such streak in them to compete at the cost of the other. I know their gurus too and I have never sensed that they may have inculcated such a crass urge in their disciples. Simply, to me, comparing people and passing judgment is truly the bane of our times.

Why can’t people just be allowed to be who they are? Each one is unique. And has an individual way of expressing themselves. Why don’t we celebrate that expression than invest time in analyzing and drawing meaningless inferences? This tendency to compare people does not restrict itself to the Carnatic music scene alone. In every walk of Life people are expected to be like others. Junior Bachchan, Abhishek, is always measured through the prism of his father’s greatness; just as Parineeti Chopra is often judged against Priyanka Chopra’s popularity and performances. Or consider this one: isn’t Asha Bhonsle a better singer than the more feted Lata Mangeshkar, because Asha continues to be relevant at 80+? Virat Kohli is always reviewed basis two benchmarks: Dhoni’s captaincy and Tendulkar’s batting genius. Already the hyper-opinionated janata darbar, a.k.a Twitteratti, is debating whether Ravichandran Ashwin can ever be better than Erapalli Prasanna or Bishen Bedi! NaMo’s chest-thumping is always seen as “superior” compared to Manmohan Singh’s dignified silence. To be sure, comparisons are not a new-age, social media phenomenon. Social media is only a new platform that makes comparisons, trial by public, judgments, both visible and rabid. As a child I was always asked by my parents why I couldn’t be like my cousins – who studied well, who got good marks and who never gave their parents any “tension”. Even now, in fact, I guess this issue rankles my parents, that I am unlike my “well-settled” cousins; that I am in debt and that I am yet to carve out a retirement plan or create assets (Read more on why my parents may feel so here: Fall Like A Rose Petal).

But why? Why does one have to be like someone else or be better than another? Why can’t one just be who she or he is?

A tragic fall-out of this tendency to compare people is that pretty soon, subconsciously, the urge to review yourself basis others creeps in; you start taking those social pronouncements seriously. If someone has more likes or followers than you have, you feel disillusioned. If you have more than others, you think you are the child of a bigger God! But please remember, either pole is a risky one to climb and hold on to: if you consider yourself better than someone, beware of hubris; and if you think someone’s better than you, beware of jealousy or depression getting the better of you! Bottomline: comparison is a zero-sum game; it ruins inner peace!

Going back to where I started, using the music analogy, let me just remind that there’s a song in each of us. And yours is unique to you, as mine is to me. So, why not just let it play? Won’t more original music, from more people, make our world nicer, merrier, happier?

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In the name of business, don’t get trapped in ‘busyness’!

Learn to celebrate the only Life you have by living in the moment!

“I don’t know where my Life is going. I am totally clueless. There seems to be no point in anything that I do. I have a cushy job, a stable ‘more-than-average’ income, a loving family but it is as if I am on a treadmill – I am running faster and faster, yet, getting nowhere!” This was a lament from a senior executive at a leading software company, when I bumped into him at a coffee shop the other day. He added, asking “Have you ever felt like this, AVIS?”

Of course, I have felt like that. Everyone feels like that at some time in their Life.

And I have realized that this feeling gnaws at you only when you want your Life to be predictable, when you want answers to all your questions. But, beyond a point, there are no answers in Life. When despite having everything material, like this gentleman who I met, if you still feel empty, listless, you must awaken to the reality that education, social status, a job, affluence, all these things cannot satiate you. I have come to understand that such emptiness must be celebrated. It must not be resisted. What this emptiness is teaching you is that while you have every ‘thing’, you are not happy. So, clearly, happiness doesn’t come from having things. Happiness is who you are when you simply are living in the moment; when you are enjoying your Life for what it is.

The human mind is the culprit here. It is always grazing in the past or in the future. Which is why this man is feeling lost. He has everything that most people will crave for, but he’s not enjoying any of those. His mind is searching, yearning, pining for something else. He must realize that there’s nothing to gain or attain or achieve in Life. The only Life we all have is the Life that is happening to us in the moment. In his case, he doesn’t even know what he is searching for. In someone else’s case, they want more of what he has. In another’s case, they are grieving over what is lost. So, simply, as long as your mind is away from the moment, you can never be happy.

I have a hairdresser friend called Ramalingam in Bangalore. He works at the salon at Vivanta by the Taj at Trinity Circle there. In the days when I had a lot of hair, I would visit him every month. On one visit, when he found me very fidgety, constantly typing out messages on my Nokia Communicator, he asked me if he could share an unsolicited perspective. I grudgingly nodded in approval. He told me this: “The greatest human quality is to simply be. If you can drop this constant urge to become, to be some place else, to be in control, and just be, then you have mastered the art of intelligent living.” I barked at him for chiding me. I told him it is fine as a hairdresser to hold such a ‘non-corporate’ point of view. In business, I championed, you have to be on the move, you have to constantly be driving – harder, stronger. You have to be on the ball all the time, else someone, somewhere will drop a catch. And catches cost matches. Ramalingam looked back at me and said, “By not learning to be, you have already dropped a big catch – you! The constant doer is not the Master. Only one who can simply be is the true Master!”

What he said to me that day made no sense to me back then. But over the years of practicing mouna (daily silence periods), whenever I think back at that conversation, I recognize that Ramalingam was, after all, right. He was actually pointing to the fact that when you are in a frenzy of activity, you are being controlled by your mind. In the name of business, you are constantly feigning ‘busyness’; to the extent that you are trapped by it. Your emptiness comes from this sense of ‘busyness’ – this feeling of running, running, running, like on a treadmill, but getting nowhere! For this emptiness to make way for fulfilment, for happiness to be flowing from within you, you must learn to control your mind. You must drop your desire to become something and simply be. Just be in the moment, living, thriving, celebrating the only Life you have! Merry Christmas!

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Consistently being useful is the way to be happy and postpone worrying

In any context, there is always a reason to be grateful and an opportunity to be useful.

A listener of my podcasts got back to me yesterday saying that my story was pretty similar to his. He said that it is unbelievable that he could relate to some of my experiences and learnings as his own. I told him that Life happens to all of us differently, but the lessons we can glean from our experiences are pretty similar. I said: “Life is like ice cream – the main recipe is the same, but many flavors are possible! I am happy that I am useful in my own small way.”

When going through Life it is important to realize that you are not being subjected to any special treatment. Neither are you ‘lucky’ nor are you ‘unlucky’. So let’s stop trying to make meaning out of Life. The truth is you can’t. Life is an inscrutable experience; it has a mind of its own, an agenda of its own and has a pace of its own. So, you will find it dealing you a hard blow when you least expect it or it will give you a bounty when you have completely lost all hope. When we label Life as “terrible, a pain, agonizing” in the first instance, or, when we call it, “benevolent, fortunate, gracious” in the second one, we are trying to make meaning out of it. Either meaning will disappoint.

Life is like water in your palm. It is not going to be there forever, and definitely not in the same way that it once was. So, the only way to make Life meaningful is to do something that makes you happy each day. Choose happiness over worry or sorrow in each moment. Even in the toughest of situations, you will find a reason to smile, to be thankful for and an opportunity to be useful. Choose that moment to hang in that, to last another day!

This is how Vaani and I have already lasted almost 10 years through our nightmarish bankruptcy. (Read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal.) We are often asked why is it that we curate non-commercial, public events that Inspire Happiness. Or people want to know how do I find the time to write this Blog daily? And I always tell them that there’s a big difference between wanting to be successful and being useful. Our learning has been that we may not often be successful – in a purely worldly sense – in getting what we want. But we can always be useful. Even in the gravest of circumstances, there is an opportunity you have to be useful to those around you or to learn from people and events around you. This is why we do so much in the realm of Inspiring Happiness. We have been through so many experiences that we find it very humbling and purposeful to share our learnings with those that have the time to pause and reflect. Besides, I find myself in a constant student mode learning from all those people that I connect with daily – whether it is at the public events we curate or with the readers of my Blog or listeners of my podcasts or with people who follow my newspaper column The Happiness Road or those who connect with me on social media. Everyone you meet is teaching you something, I have realized, provided you bring a learner’s attitude to the context.

Being useful, consistently, on a daily basis, is a surefire way to postpone worrying. Vaani and I have learnt to do this very well. You too can learn to do this. Once you have learnt this art, which is to be happy despite your circumstances, you can then make your Life meaningful, instead of trying to understand if Life means anything at all. If you don’t find any meaning in your Life, to your Life, it’s only because you have not exercised the option to be happy or you have not reached out to touch another Life, to be useful.

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When things don’t add up in Life…

Not all of Life’s situations can be solved. They have to be faced.

At my Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk that I delivered recently, a lady, in her late 30s, came up to me and said that she no longer saw any point in getting married or seeking companionship in Life. She had been married thrice. And each time she found her relationships getting messy. “While I am fine with being single, my mother is insisting on solving the problem. She doesn’t seem to get it. She believes that my marriage is a duty she has to perform before she dies. What should I do,” asked the lady.

Well, the lady has no choice but to convince her mother. Also, I wouldn’t even say her situation or stance is as unchangeable or irrevocable as those of some others – after all, she may just meet someone who may just be ‘right for her, per her’!

But her situation should remind us of any of our own as well. Some Life situations are just that – they are situations. They must be faced, and in some cases, endured over a period of time. Dealing with Life, while accepting it for what it is, is a much better approach than getting frustrated trying to solve the unsolvable. How do you solve the death of a dear one? How do you solve the inability to relate with someone? How do you solve a rare form of pancreatic cancer? How do you solve the agony of a family of three, whose 40-year-old son is going through a severe depression, the father is on a catheter and the mother is immobile because of a nervous disorder? The truth is: everyone really gets their share of situations in Life. And some of what may be served to you in Life, by Life, may be the unsolvable. And dealing with the situation, by the moment, by the day, is always better that grieving about it endlessly. Because the unsolvable will not be amenable to reason and resolution.

It is always what it is.

The 13th Century Persian poet Jalaluddin Rumi’s collection of spiritual discourses is called “Fihi Ma Fihi” (It is what it is!). In one of his discourses, he asks, “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” The import is that it is Life’s nature to throw us into the deep end, untethered, and it is in our spirit, and best interest, to deal with Life, with forbearance, with stoicism, with acceptance. Our job is to face up to and deal with a Life situation, going to work on it daily, doing our best, and leaving the outcome to Life! Yes, when you put in your best effort and don’t get the result you want or what you ought to be getting, it can be frustrating. But the simplest way to live a frustration-free Life is to be free from expectations. Don’t expect 2+2 to always add up to 4 in Life. Clearly, sometimes, things don’t add up in Life! In those times, it is not as if Life is standing there and mocking at you. It is not as if there is a grand conspiracy to hound you, to humiliate you, deny you what your deserve and to finish you off. In situations that you don’t get what you want or when you don’t know what to do, Life is teaching you patience; Life is reminding you that you are not in control. In such times, it is best to deal with Life with acceptance and not necessarily imagine you can solve the unsolvable. That’s living intelligently!

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