Don’t come in the way of your young adult child’s need to experience Life.
My friend and his young adult daughter had a spat. She wanted to go for a late night party. And he did not want her to go. She called him names and abused him using expletives. Their fight became public knowledge with him sharing the entire episode on Facebook. While of my friend’s friends advised him to take a chill pill, take it easy and let his daughter have her share of fun, a few commented otherwise. They felt children had no right to “ill treat” their parents. Someone even said that children must not cross the line that parents draw for them.
I find this whole episode avoidable. It is an unevolved perspective that everyone connected with this incident seems to be bringing to the table. Why should any parent impose restrictions on an adult child? That the child used expletives, as claimed by the parent, is a clear sign that they both need to have a conversation not just on how to express themselves but also on values. Why should the parent rush to post this episode on Facebook? And finally how can it be insisted that adult children must toe the line of their parents? Are adult children individuals in their own right?
I am not discounting that any parent has a concern for their child’s safety – whether the child is old enough or not! Even so, adult children demand dignity, empowerment, trust and freedom. And in my personal opinion, from experience, I can say that when entrusted with responsibility, they always take pretty good care of themselves. On her return home from her first late night out, when she was in her first year in college, Vaani and I spoke to our daughter Aanchal on why hanging out late can be both fun and risky. So, we shared some tips to make the experience easier for her and for us. After that night, she has always handled her late nights, her safety and her timings remarkably well.
Fundamentally, it doesn’t matter whether someone is an adult or a minor, a parent or an adult child, trust is integral to make people behave responsibly. When you tell someone you trust them you are inviting them to act with both empowerment and prudence. This is the only way forward to make relationships thrive.
Of course, when someone you trust lets you down or if they are circumstantially challenged to be unable to live up to your trust, then you must have honest conversations. You must invite them, while being compassionate, to introspect and course correct. And if they have a genuine reason for whatever happened to them, demonstrate more trust in them by being patient with their situation. At the end of the day, people are shaped by the experiences they go through and not only by the advice they receive.
So, coming back to this instance of parenting adult children, don’t come in the way of their need to experience Life on their terms. Just be available for them, to hug them and take them home, if ever they stumble or fall.