What is over is over: don’t cling on to the cocktail of hate, anger and grief!

Separations. Break-ups. Showdowns. Desperate but unsuccessful attempts to control people, situations or events. Whatever. They are all over when you stop responding to them. They are over when you decide they are over.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone from my family after many, many years. We have had serious issues between us – at least this person once believed that I had cheated the family and that I was not even worth having a conversation with. She suggested to me yesterday that we must make a fresh beginning. I replied to her that while I have long forgiven myself and have forgiven the others involved in this sordid relationship mess in my family, I just cannot forget what happened. And I did not see a need to start afresh. I said everyone’s happy and peaceful in their own worlds – even though these worlds are distant while we, ironically, live in the same city. I left saying let’s leave things as they are and simply maintain a ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ relationship.
It is perfectly normal to have a relationship problem if you can’t trust or relate to the person concerned. However, you need not carry the anger and grudge in you. It is pointless. Understand that whoever is the one that caused you pain and agony has accomplished whatever he or she set out to. The event is over and out. By expressing anger over the episode, by continuing to direct anger against the person who caused you the hurt, you are only injuring yourself. Sometimes, it may not be just a hurt from a word or an act that someone said or did. It may be from a separation that the pain, the grief ensues. And you want to avenge the person’s audacity to have betrayed your trust, that too with such impunity. You seek justice. And your entire being is consumed by this desire to get ‘even’. Because you feel used and discarded __ as if you were toilet paper.
The cocktail of hate, anger and grief can be depressing, debilitating, lethal. You, and only you, can draw a line. And decide not to continue with stretching this episode and story any more. It is best to remember that dwelling on what is past__including the prime, good times, of a relationship, and pining for those times all over again __ is futile. Harivanshrai Bachchan (1907-2003), the celebrated poet, and father of superstar Amitabh Bachchan, says this so beautifully in his poem, ‘Jo Beet Gayi, So Baat Gayi’. Here’s a translated excerpt:
Jivan mein ek sitara tha,/  there was a precious star in my Life 

Maana woh behad pyaara tha,/ agreed, it was most loved

Woh doob gaya toh doob gaya,/ if that star has set today, then it has set

Amber ke aangan ko dekho,/ look at the courtyard of the skies
Kitne iske taare toote,/ how many of its stars have set or broken away
Kitne iske pyaare choote,/ how many of its beloved have been lost
Jo choot gaye phir kahan mile;/ those stars that have set or been lost, where have they ever been found
Par bolo toote taaron par/ but tell me on the broken, setting stars,
Kab amber shokh manaata hai / whenever did the skies grieve
Jo beet gayi so baat gayi/ what is past is past …

It is important to also remember that this law of change is the law of the Universe. Seasons change. People change. Places change. Relationships change. You want to start afresh in a relationship, do it. You don’t want to, as I decided in this case, don’t do it. Whatever you do, don’t carry grudges and don’t grieve. An irrefutable fact about Life is that each new beginning results only from something ending. So, always, what is over is over. And you must just go on, move on!

A Break-Up is not a bad thing to happen

When you are in a relationship, you face the prospect of a break-up all the time. Just as you face death, as long as you are alive! So smile and face whatever’s there, don’t just suffer being anxious and insecure.
A young friend is going through a break-up. It’s a difficult time for him and nobody really is able to make him feel better. Honestly, there are no right ways or wrong ways of dealing with such a situation. Although today’s generation is far more open and willing to share their stories on facebook, parents and family still find it difficult to counsel young adult children on this matter. Perhaps understanding how and why break-ups happen can be useful.
Surely, break-ups are very painful. You sometimes feel you haven’t been treated fairly or that you were never allowed to share what you feel or that you were used. Whatever may be the trigger, a break-up basically signifies a difficulty to relate, to communicate, to express, to appreciate and to understand. But why grieve over this? Just imagine: for years you grow up with a different set of people and then suddenly you develop this ‘liking’ and then this ‘unputdownable longing’ for this ‘new’ person in your Life. You possibly know this person for a few weeks or months or even a year or two – but that doesn’t match the number of years you know someone in your family who you get along famously with or the time you have known your BFF! Any knowing, any relating, takes time to evolve into a seamless understanding, a companionship. And all evolution involves upheavals. There will be fights, showdowns, sulking, anger, sometimes even feelings of jealousy, that will pepper the period of evolution. But before this evolution takes place, if you place enormous pressure on the relationship, there will be break-ups. That’s precisely how and why break-ups occur.
So, the foremost point to know and remember is that a break-up is not a bad thing to happen. If it happens, deal with it by facing it. Because it was always on the cards – from the very moment you got involved!  And if it has not happened, it is still on the cards. It may never happen either. And if it doesn’t, great! But when it happens, a break-up helps a couple review where each of them is coming from and where each of them wants to go. Now, if the destination is the same and they both feel the same way about the journey and being together on it, they may still make up and reunite. Making up often is a cleansing process – it allows for candor to help build a stronger bond. But despite all the efforts they make, if they don’t feel the same way, it’s best they just go their own ways. Why agonize over and endure each other?
I watched this movie Shudh Desi Romance (2013, Maneesh Sharma, Sushant Rajput, Parineeti Chopra, Vaani Kapoor) recently. I believe the movie’s story (and its honest presentation) encapsulates the essence of “companionship” versus “falling in love” and of “bonding” versus “being tied in a relationship”. True love is far more spiritual and pure than what happens between two people at a physical level. Always, all attraction is physical in the beginning. But, over time, a companionship blossoms. There’s an unstated, inexplicable sense of trust, willingness to share and being there for each other that develops. Sometimes, it happens in a matter of weeks. Sometimes, it takes months or even years. And sometimes the companionship never happens even though the physical attraction may still exist and be strong. Life’s journey though, over the years, as you grow older and physically weaker, is best travelled with a companion than with just a bedfellow. If you really want a great companionship with someone, then go beyond the physical qualities that draw you to that someone – seek to, over time, find out if you both relate to, enjoy and celebrate each other. If you don’t it’s perfectly fine – you don’t have to necessarily be this great Jodi No.1! Maybe your partner then is someone else, waiting for you elsewhere?
Life is beautiful. Don’t let it be ruined tending to or grieving over broken relationships where there’s no scope for revival. There’s nothing wrong if, through some pain, you gain insight on what works for you and what does not. Be grateful that you now know what’s best for you. Go wherever Life takes you. Maybe that’s where you will find your true companion…