Keep trying, but stop pining and lamenting

Wanting to control Life is like trying to hold on to water in your fist. You never can.

I met a friend who said he was perhaps facing a mid-Life crisis. He had started off on his own some years back. Then, when that venture didn’t do well, he took up employment again. He had changed a few jobs in the last five years, he wasn’t earning enough money, his kids were growing up and he was clearly insecure about his future. He lamented, “I have this feeling that I am being led. I am no longer in control of my career and Life. I don’t think I will be able to put my kids through college at this rate.”

I explained to him that there is nothing called a mid-Life crisis. “You feel crisis-ridden because there’s a turmoil within you. Your wants are in conflict with your reality,” I said. My friend wants a more challenging and well-paying job. He wants to save money for his kids’ higher education. And the reality is that he is having a mediocre job, that pays him just so much that he can make ends meet. Which means the reality is that he is unable to save any money. His insecurity, his gripped-by-crisis-like feeling comes from his wants. His reality is perfect as it is. His wants are what are disturbing him. I said that the only way he could change his reality was to work on it instead of worrying about it.

This is so true for each of us in our own Life situations. Your current reality hardly troubles you. It is perfect as it is. Your wanting your reality to be different from what it is disturbs your inner peace. It is what causes your misery.

Actually, your upbringing and education make you believe that you are in control of your Life. To a large extent it just appears to be so. You study hard, you graduate, you get an employment, you start earning and saving. When this pattern of progression is uninterrupted, it soon becomes predictable and also makes you believe that you have caused and controlled your Life and career. But ask those who have seen a series of interruptions early on in their lives and they will tell you a different story. Someone’s been dyslexic or someone’s been orphaned or someone’s had an accident leading to a disruption in academics or someone’s just not found a job despite good grades! Ask these folks and they will tell you that nothing is really in our control – that we are merely being led by Life. So, there’s really no crisis and definitely no such thing as early-Life or mid-Life or late-Life crisis. There’s just Life happening in its own unique way for you – all the while. Whatever’s happening is your current reality. Period. As long as you are focused on that reality and acting from that point of view, you will be fine. The moment desire steps in, the moment you start wanting the reality to be different or start thinking of a future reality, misery will set it. You could feel anything – from anxiety to suffering – and all of them will be debilitating.

Accepting reality, accepting your Life for what is, does not mean inaction at all. I am not advising my friend to live with his mediocre, low-paying job forever. All I am telling him is this – please look for a better opportunity, but don’t pine for it. Keep trying, but please stop lamenting. Keep the focus on what you must do, just don’t concentrate on what you don’t have. Accept the Life that you have rather than trying to control it.

Life has been going on, is going on and will go on – no matter what! This is the truth. When you awaken to, and understand, this reality, you too will learn to be peaceful and to go with the flow of Life!

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Living in a let-go means accepting that Life happens inspite of you!

Unhappiness = Clinging on! Happiness = Letting go!!

At a grocery store the other day a friend tapped me from behind. We exchanged greetings and generally caught up. He then went on to say that while he found my daily blogposts “interesting” he “seriously doubted if it was indeed possible to live the way Vaani and I are living”. “How can you live in a let-go, when you have a problem to solve, a situation to fix, responsibilities to discharge and especially when you know you are intelligent, capable and driven,” he asked.

This is not a new question. I used to ask myself this question until some years ago. And people often ask me this question at my Talks or workshops.

The simplest way to live in a let-go is to understand that Life does not happen because of us. It happens inspite of us. Just because we have got ourselves an academic education, we are skilled, we are ethical and sincere, and we are earning an income, we imagine that we are in control. No we are not. We never were. Life has been and will always be in control. So, let-go really means to go with the flow of Life.

Now, when Life happens to a plan that you have conceived you think you are in control. Fair enough. But ever so often Life will change, in such a manner that you will be reminded of and made to realize that you are not in control. You can fight it and resist it, but unless you accept the Life you have and unless you flow with it, you will feel miserable.

I talk from personal experience. For almost close to a decade now, we are trying to fix our business situation with no progress. I have a health condition that requires surgery but we don’t have the means just yet. Every material aspect of our Life requires mending in some form or the other – human beings can survive a bankruptcy, we realize, things cannot! So when we examine our Life closely, Vaani and I see so many, many, many dimensions that are beyond our control. And yet Life just goes on – whatever we need always finds its way to us. Incredibly, miraculously! The best way to live, therefore, we have learnt, is to live in a perpetual let-go.

Yet living in a let-go is not inaction. It means living in total acceptance, living in faith that you will be taken care of and provided for no matter what the circumstances are, living in gratitude, and living fully, making a sincere effort even when the results are not adding up. Now, that’s a lot of action!

Living in a let-go does not require any practice or preparation. To be sure, anyone can live this way. It just requires an understanding and acceptance of the impermanence of Life. It requires living with humility, acknowledging that Life is more intelligent and more powerful than you. Think deeply. Your frustrations come only from your subconscious desire to be in control of everything you have and of everyone you know. In a way, you don’t want your things or your people to be taken away from you. Technology has only made you seek more of instant gratification. If something is broken, it needs a fix immediately. If something is not working out, you agonize over getting it to work instantly. If you lose something, or someone, you grieve over that loss endlessly. But there are times in Life when fixes won’t work, won’t be available and when you will have to wait endlessly till they arrive! In such situations you will end up being unhappy. Happiness, on the other hand, really is about getting rid of – letting go – whatever you don’t have, isn’t there, can’t fix or have not got. You are unhappy only as long as you cling on to something.

This is as true about our material assets as it is about our relationships and our emotions. When we get rid of the thought, the expectation, that something, or someone for that matter, should always be with us, we will be free. And happy. So being in a let-go is really about celebrating impermanence. Life’s most well-kept secret is this – as long as you are not clinging on to anyone or anything, you will not suffer!

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Brewing a new coffee flavor delivers a Life lesson

You too can experience a Life that’s free from suffering if you can embrace it without resistance.

My mornings have to begin with the filter coffee that Vaani makes. Pardon my indulgence, but I believe she makes the best filter coffee in the world. So, outside of home, I will rarely try filter coffee. Everywhere else it has to be black coffee or the Americano, if it is Starbucks. Some weeks ago, Vaani and I felt that the brand of packaged coffee that we had been using for years now, Cothas, appeared to be losing its distinct flavor. So, reluctantly, we decided to switch to a new brand (for us), Leo, whose freshly-ground, custom-mixed, coffee powder was available at the neighborhood Nilgiri’s store. The first few days of drinking Leo coffee was an unusual experience. Naturally. The beans were different, the Leo coffee mix was ground fresh and obviously the flavor was its own. Not Cothas’, which I had got so accustomed to with over a decade of use. But over the past fortnight, something interesting happened. My mind no longer pined for the Cothas flavor. I got used to the new Leo flavor and soon started enjoying it.

This morning I reflected on the learning from this experience. Why was I able to adjust to the new flavor, though, initially, I kind of disliked it? I guess the fundamental reason was that I trusted Vaani’s choice of wanting to switch brands and her ability to make great, absolutely great, coffee. Second, I started appreciate the Leo flavor without letting my mind pine for Cothas. This experience pretty much sums up how we can all learn to deal with Life better. If we pause and reflect on Life deeply, we will find that Life is nothing but a series of experiences, a set of happenings, sometimes related and sometimes unrelated. Each experience brings with it a new flavor, a unique one – and surely not one that you may either want or like. The mind will rush to resist the new experience and the flavor it carries. But any form of resistance to whatever’s happening will always lead to suffering. So, the best way to deal with Life is to embrace each new event, and the new flavor it brings along, hold it and learn to appreciate it and value it for what it is. In the coffee-brand-switch story, Vaani and I have a choice. If we didn’t like Leo, we can switch to yet another brand and then one more and so on. Or we can give up drinking coffee altogether. But almost all Life events just happen to us – there is no freedom of choice. So, the only way we can be at peace within ourselves is when we accept the Life given to us and learn to appreciate and celebrate its flavor of the moment, in that moment!

When you learn to live this way, you will realize that anything can be faced – from a terminal health problem to a dysfunctional relationship issue to a job loss to financial stress to death – without suffering. Yes, there will be pain. Because when what you don’t like or want comes into your Life, there will be pain. But if you are willing to experiment and explore newer flavors of Life, even if they are untried, untested, unknown to you, you will find Life is wonderful and free from suffering, even if it is strange.

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When you don’t know what to do, simply surrender to Life!

Life is a great leveller.

Whether you like it or not, whether you ask for it or not, at some time or the other, in some unique, unfathomable way, Life will bring you to a state when you will awaken to the truth that your Life is not in your control. At such times, the best response is to simply surrender to Life. Let whatever must happen, happen. Because, whatever is to happen will anyway happen!

But the normal human response is anger, frustration, depression, fear, insecurity, anxiety, worry and grief. There’s no point suppressing these feelings. They will naturally arise in you. Allow those feelings to come. Feel each of them and ask yourself if they can help you deal with your Life situation any better. If they can, persist with them. Let’s say, someone’s dying of cancer. How can any of these feelings help cure the cancer? Or prevent that person from dying? Or let’s say you have been let down in a relationship. How can these feelings help you cope any better? When you sit calmly and analyze your Life situation – any situation which cannot be solved at a human level; and there are many of them – you will understand that going with Life’s flow, and the grand Cosmic Design, the Master Plan, is the only intelligent option you have. So, logically, there’s no point persisting with these debilitating emotions. Surrendering to Life really means dropping these feelings and being free!

There’s a forgettable Tamizh movie called Azhagiya Tamizh Magan (2007, Bharathan, Vijay) that has a great song (with some awful picturization though!) composed by A.R.Rahman in it. The song celebrates the Creator – to me, Life, the Higher Energy – and goes, “Ella Pughazyum Oruvan Oruvannuke, Nee Nadhi Poley Odikonduirru…”. It means, “All glory is to the Only One, you keep flowing like a river…” The essence of this song has resonated with me every time that I have heard it. I have come to believe that not knowing what to do in Life is an opportunity to understand, appreciate and live Life better. It is a humbling experience. Our education and intellect make us believe that we are in control, that we are achieving this and that, we are creating assets and raising families, that we have everything planned out and mapped out in our lives. But when a Life situation strikes, and pushes you into a corner, you realize that you were never in control then – or now. It is only through this awakening that you understand the value of surrendering to Life and going with its flow.

So, if you are in a place in Life when you don’t know what to do about someone or some situation, go with wherever your Life is taking you. Don’t resist. Don’t fear. Don’t agonize. Perhaps, that’s where you eventually need to be and that’s where you will be peaceful and happy!  

If you can’t change someone, don’t grieve and suffer

If you can’t convince someone to change, accept the person for who he or she is, and do whatever you can best do in the circumstances. Important: Don’t complain, don’t grieve, don’t suffer!

My 59-year-old friend lost his alcoholic brother, who was three years younger to him, a couple of days ago. It was a traumatic end to a Life that had been consumed by the habit. Over the past month every organ in his body had failed and he had been held up by Life support systems. This brought an end to a 40-year-old saga in my friend’s Life. After the death of their parents, my friend had raised his brother, struggling hard to put him through school. But the lad did not take to academics. Instead he fell among wayward company and took to drinking and gambling. As the years passed, the brother’s habit and behavior caused my friend innumerable problems. Their family was forced to leave the neighborhood they lived in because of the younger fellow’s incessant drunken brawls. My friend, who is a very reputed photographer in Indian media circles, had to close down his studio because his brother would land up there at all times demanding money for his drink in front of clients – much to my friend’s embarrassment! Efforts were made several times by my friend to put his brother through de-addiction programs – but each attempt, while consuming precious cash, failed miserably. Over the last five years, the alcoholic brother’s hospitalization and associated medical costs led my friend to hawk every financial asset he had created painstakingly through his career. Family and friends had been advising my friend to legally separate from his brother and leave him to his fate. But my friend always explained it away saying: “I don’t want to flinch from my duty as a brother and as a human being. I know it is pointless to expect my brother to turn a new leaf or even be cured of his various bodily ailments. But I want to be able to care and tend to him.” All through the 22-odd years that I have known my friend, I have never heard him complain of his brother. Nor have I seen him grieve or suffer. He simply went about looking after his brother – dutifully, diligently. “When I saw his dead body in the hospital, I wept. Not because I couldn’t save him or transform him. But because he was no longer there for me to care for him,” said my friend, when I called to condole his brother’s passing away.

People may have their own views of how such a pointless, futile situation could have been handled differently. But, all the same, the learning from my friend’s experience is simple – yet profound. Which is to accept people for who they are, to do our best and to not complain or grieve or suffer.

People are people. They will do what pleases them or what they think is right. Each Life comes with a pre-ordained cosmic design. Until that design plays out completely that Life will go on. Sometimes, the best of advice from the most experienced people will not be heeded. In those times reason will cease to apply. People will drive themselves – and others – crazy, appearing to be on a suicidal mission. You will feel helpless when you are unable to wean them away from their self-destructive tendencies. Normally, in such situations, people in my friend’s shoes will tend to become bitter. They will complain. They will feel miserable about their helplessness. Or they may get agitated with the whole situation. Or even depressed. This applies not only to people but to Life situations as well. My friend’s attitude teaches us to simply flow with Life. Peacefully. Because what has to happen will happen. The only choice we have is to accept Life for what it is and to go on doing whatever we think is the best in any given situation!