It’s never over until it is over!

Shun materialism to overcome insecurity

If you don’t feel “Mehfuz”, you are missing the blessing in being human!

Insecurity is a sign of inherently mistrusting the process of Life.

On the way to a coffee place that we frequent, we see a beautiful bungalow that has the name “Mehfuz” (pronounced “Mehafooz”) written on its gate. “Mehfuz” means “the secure, the safe” in Arabic. Every time I see that word a sense of serenity pervades me. It is such a reassuring feeling…the energy that “Mehfuz” creates when you say it to yourself! If you understand Urdu or Hindi, you will feel that sense of security that the word conveys, even as you merely read it and infer its meaning!

When you deeply reflect on it, “Mehfuz” communicates how secure the whole Universe, all of Creation in fact, is! There is magic and beauty in the rising and setting sun, in your being loved and in your ability to be loving, in the roof over your head, the food on your plate and the clothes that protect you from the elements. This is the security that the natural order of your Universe offers you. These are unmistakable signs that you are “Mehfuz”, you are safe, you are secure – that you are being taken care of, looked after and provided for!

Yet, if you feel insecure about Life, if you find it hard to trust the process of Life, if you succumb to worry, to fear, to anxiety, how can Life, or anyone, help you? The primary cause for insecurity in Life is when you don’t know what lies ahead – when you don’t know if there will be respite from a debilitating health challenge, when you don’t know if you can unentangle a relationship mess, when you don’t know if you will have enough money, when you don’t know if your children will find good vocations and settle down and when you don’t know how so many, many other open-ended Life situations will pan out. Instead of asking what will happen, ask, why do you want to know what will happen? You must know the answer to every question, you must have the solution to every problem, only if you are causing all your Life to happen, if you are, well, the Creator. But Life happens not because of you, but often, in spite of you. Besides, your own creation as a human being, with no apparent manufacturing defects, is a miracle. For perspective, just consider what would have happened, how would your Life be, had you been created as the swine that gives the flu instead of being the human that gets the flu? Simply, the order of the Universe is that you are who you are, you have what you have, you have not got what you don’t have yet and what wasn’t meant to be yours anymore has been taken away from you. If you understand this truth about your Life, you will not hanker for security and you will not succumb to insecurity.

A question you need ask yourself is, do you feel secure, do you feel a sense of inner peace, when you pray? Or when you visit a place a worship? If you do, then why do you feel insecure when you are out of it – out of the prayer, the worship? Isn’t the whole Universe a Higher Energy’s manifestation – for your joy, for you to experience? If you can’t feel “Mehfuz” in your Universe where everything, everyone has been created by this Higher Energy, that’s more intelligent and compassionate that all its creations put together, then, you are missing the blessing in being human! Insecurity, therefore, is a sign of inherently mistrusting the process of Life.

I will leave you with Mirza Ghalib’s (1767~1869) couplet that, to me, sums up the need for each of us to feel secure, feel safe, being who we are, with where are and with what we have! Ghalib writes: “Ghalib Sharab Peene De Masjid Mein Baith Kar, Ya Woh Jagah Bata Jahan Khuda Nahi.”  It means: “Allow me to drink in a mosque or tell me a place where God isn’t present?”

Aye Zindagi, Gale Lagaa Le…

Don’t resist Life – be ready and willing to flow with it!  

Gauri Shinde’s new film Dear Zindagi (Alia Bhatt and Shah Rukh Khan) has suddenly revived interest in the Ilayaraaja classic “Aye Zindagi, Gale Laga Le”   from Sadma (1983, Suresh Wadkar; Balu Mahendra, Kamal Haasan, Sri Devi). I am yet to see Shinde’s film, but I spent much of the weekend listening to the original song by Wadkar (the new version is sung by Arijit Singh); I simply love Gulzar saab’s lyrics…the opening line means…“Come, embrace me Life; don’t I embrace all the pain that you send my way…?”

As I write this blogpost, I remain immersed in the spiritual essence of this song…it teaches us to accept the Life we have. But unfortunately, because of our social conditioning, we don’t learn this simple lesson early enough. We live much of our Life steeped in insecurity, resisting pain, asking why, why me, and so we suffer!

I can relate to this conditioning from my own experience. To be sure, I too felt insecure when I first came face to face, nine years ago, with the reality that we were insolvent and our Firm was bankrupt (read more in my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal ). Of course, I was devastated by the gravity of our crisis and was very, very scared of where we would end up in Life. But resisting the insecurity, wishing that things were different, only made me suffer. And in my suffering I could not focus. I was always unhappy. When you don’t focus or are unhappy, how can you function? How can you think of even attempting to solve your problems? While I could make sense of the futility of my suffering, I didn’t know where to start or what to do. What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

My daily practice of mouna (silence periods) helped me understand that all Life is impermanent, that pain is inevitable, and if we choose to embrace the Life we have, then we can completely avoid the suffering. I came to realize that Life really is an “adventure”, a “deep dive”, a “bunjee jump” into the unknown. Insecurity, pain and impermanence, I discovered, are the very weaves that make up the fabric of Life. Over time, I awakened to the truth that you can’t ever “fix” your Life, you can only flow with it, and allow Life to repair and reinvent on its own.

When I started seeing Life from this new perspective, I saw that each day threw up a fresh episode of “adventure” – a legal twist here, an irate creditor who had lost patience with our situation there, bills to be paid for essential services like electricity and telephones when there was no money to even buy groceries, a health situation to be urgently addressed; yet each time we thought it was all over, help, a.k.a miracles, arrived from unexpected quarters. No day, as Vaani and I have experienced, has been the same. Honestly, not all the stuff that comes our way on a daily basis, however new or fresh it is, is appetizing. But however much we feel spent at the end of each day, we wake up revived the next day. And take that day’s “adventure” head-on. This is how we have been living, in fact thriving, this past decade. In this time, it has become clear to me that Life has all along been, and will continue to be incredible, inscrutable and, therefore, insecure. Clearly, Vaani and I don’t have that sense of security that a steady income can provide, yet when we stopped feeling insecure about it, and let go, and let Life take over, things have happened on their own. We have learnt that our duty is to make our daily efforts and let the results take care of themselves. Even so, we don’t deserve, nor do we claim, any credit for the way we have learnt to live our Life. Why would anyone want a crisis, and as in our case, a prolonged state of cashlessness and worklessness? We simply chose to accept the Life we got and we have.

This numbing phase of our Life has taught us to live with insecurity. There are days, several times in a month, when we really don’t know what will happen from an income or business point of view.  But we know fully well that we will be taken care of. Maybe this is what they call faith. Not in an external God. But in Life itself – that if you have been created and you are in whatever situation you are placed in, you will be cared for, provided for and looked after. Maybe this is what Gulzar saab’s lyrics, with the song’s revival, are trying to remind us; that always be ready and willing to flow with Life! So, Aye Zindagi, Gale Lagaa Le…!

PS: If you liked this blogpost, please share it to help spread the learning it carries!

 

When you accept insecurity, it disappears

In Life’s darkest moments, remember, the light within you can show you the way!

A friend who works with a large US-based financial institution called me a couple of hours ago. He is the head of operations of this company’s back-office in Pune. Many of his company’s Asia-Pac business leadership has quit in the last week. Actually, with an acquisition n India having gone awry, the US office has asked the Asia-Pac business leaders to own accountability and leave. My friend has over the last 10 years built a reputation for himself within the company as a reliable and responsible manager. Therefore, he was allowed a higher degree of empowerment. He was, exceptionally, allowed to lead the company’s largest global back-office in Pune. Which meant that his centre accounted for the highest payroll in the company. But just this week, with the top heads quitting, the Pune centre has been made directly reported to a person sitting in UK. My friend called me to seek my view on making sense of this development. “I am very uncomfortable that my empowerment is withdrawn. I fear I will be axed,” he told me. He was sounding very, very disturbed. I told him: “You are feeling insecure. Which is natural. Accept your insecurity. Talk to your new boss or even to your global CEO and ask them upfront if the reason for this change has anything to do with their view of your efficiency as the centre head. If your insecurity persists, despite that conversation, go look for another job. If you get one that you like, move. If you don’t get one or don’t want to move even after getting another offer, at least you would have realized the value of what you have on hand and you will be able to be more productive and efficient. Important, you will stop feeling insecure and disturbed.”

For various reasons, in myriad situations, each of us encounters insecurity. The best way to deal with insecurity is to accept that it is there.

Insecurity is a normal human response to situations that you can’t immediately make sense of. Metaphorically, you are groping in the dark. There is no light. Suddenly you feel lost. Lonely. You are filled with fear. What do you do? Well, you can shiver and shudder. You can cry in despair. But soon you realize that none of that can drive the darkness away. What you need is light – and you don’t have a source like a torch or a matchbox or such. So, when you understand and accept the hopelessness of the situation, when you embrace your insecurity, you will be able think with greater clarity. And then the greatest realization will dawn on you – you don’t need any light from the outside; you are the light! The light from within is what can and will guide you onward. This light is your faith, your trust in the process of Life, that no matter what, you will get what you need, you will be cared for and looked after.

When you think about Life deeply, you will recognize the truth that there is nothing called security. On the vast cosmic plane, the human being is as powerless as an ant is in front of humans. One event, and in under a moment, a Life is snuffed out. So what security are you and I seeking when we can never really escape the inevitable end, death? When you understand this quality – its impermanence – about Life, you will stop seeking security.

In the course of a lifetime, there will be several million, or more, occasions when you will feel insecure. Accept your insecurity every single time. When you do that, your awareness, through your acceptance, will remind you each time that the security you crave for is a myth. Then insecurity will not hound and haunt you. You will be free from it. You will then be happy despite your circumstances.   

 

Zen and the Art of Fearlessness

To be fearless, just ask yourself ‘what is it that you are afraid of losing’?

At a Talk that I delivered recently, a young lady asked me how to deal with insecurity and fear. She said she often spent long spells of time imagining stuff that could possibly happen to her – a pink slip, a health setback, a relationship problem, her son failing in school and such.

“I know it is stupid to be this way. But how does one get rid of ‘worst-case scenarios’ from your head,” she asked.

I, in turn, asked her: “What is the worst that can happen to you?”

She thought for a moment and replied: “Two things – either my son can die or I can die. Yes, these are my worst-case scenarios.”

My next question to her was this: “Is there anything that you can do to prevent these scenarios from ever happening in your Life?”

Again she thought about it deeply and exclaimed: “No. Seriously, noooooooooooo!”

I asked her: “So why worry and fear about something that you can’t prevent?”

And that is really how you get rid of worst-case scenarios in your head. To be sure, the human mind can beat any Bollywood screenwriter in terms of conjuring up unheard of, unfathomable, often fantasy-based scenarios. Some of them will necessarily torment you with worry, anxiety, insecurity and fear. There is a pretty simple way to deal with these debilitating emotions.

In every situation that makes me fearful, I ask myself what is the worst that can happen. And I tell my mind that I am ready and willing for that eventuality. For instance, in a matter relating to a police complaint filed against me, by my creditor, it had become evident that if the court disallowed my bail application, I would be arrested and remanded in custody. I asked my lawyer if there was a way out. He said that there was none since I did not have money to furnish a personal surety (a financial bond). This situation was unfolding in another city. Honestly, I was feeling very restless and fearful. So, I took a deep breath and called up Vaani. I briefed her of the logical, practical reality we were faced with. And then I told her, “Listen, I will stay strong where I am and wherever I have to go. You stay strong too. A way will be born soon.” Just that acceptance of whatever our reality was at that moment – that I will be arrested, so be it! – changed the way I felt. I became fearless. In another situation, when I was diagnosed with a possible life-threatening health condition, I considered the worst that could happen to me if we didn’t find the money to get a surgery done. I would die, I reckoned. The whole scenario of my impending death unfolded in my mind’s eye and I actually started smiling. Of course, all of us will die, I remember thinking. “And this was perhaps my time to die,” I had concluded. That thought actually made me feel lighter – and totally fearless. From then on, whenever I am faced with any no-go situation – and I have to deal with several of them each week – I remind myself that “I was once even prepared to die”. Whenever I do this, my fear always slinks away.

An additional perspective: to me faith is not about deifying an idol or a place of worship. I implicitly trust the Higher Energy – some call this divinity – that shapes our ends and guides our lives. I know that I will – my family included – be provided for, taken care of and given whatever we need. To me my faith in myself, in Vaani, in this Higher Energy is the light that shows the way whenever the road ahead is dark and fearful. And I know, just as you do, that while light can drive away darkness, darkness can never drive away light! So, when there is faith, how can there ever be fear? 

You need to be happy, and not secure, to live fully

Between being happy and being secure, choose being happy. Because security is fake and guarantees nothing except consoling you that you are safe, despite the fact that you are not.

You are as safe as you are in this moment. You will never be able to tell, ever, what will happen to you, of you, in the next moment. You, like many, will be rushing this morning to work at a job that you loathe, yet you cling on to it because of a fake sense of security your pay check guarantees you. You think you are secure if you have money, if you have a social standing, if you have a well-heeled job and if you have a house to call your own. Security comes from comforting yourself with how much you have. Happiness comes from being content with whatever you have.

The problem with seeking too much security is that what you try to possess will eventually end up possessing you. If you have a million dollars in the bank and have lost your job, invariably every thought of yours will concern your depleting the bank balance with every delay that your job search encounters. Clearly, the bank balance is possessing you now. On the other hand, if you want to be happy, all you need to do is to consider yourself lucky that you have a bank balance to live off in the time that you search for a job.

On a spiritual plane, it is also really foolish on our part that we should feel insecure. Because from the time you were born, you have lived each moment without knowing what will happen in the next. Which means you are an expert at dealing with the unknown, with insecurity. Yet, you fear it all the time? Life is a bungee jump into the unknown in each new moment. And all of us have been doing it effectively, efficiently all these years of our lives. So, a sense of security is a wasted sentiment. You don’t need it to live. You can live with insecurity, as you always have. Happiness however is crucial to live Life fully! If you have felt an emptiness, an incompleteness in you, it is not because you are insecure, but because you are not happy!

Happiness is an opportunity that each moment is pregnant with. To be happy, you have to make a choice of letting go of the need to be secure. You will then be soaked in happiness!  

Stop coming in your own way

Life’s at work on you continuously.

Life’s like an artisan-sculptor-miner who’s chipping away, digging, at times even polishing, to get you to the gold__to get you to the real you. Every event, opportunity or ordeal is Life’s way to purify you so that the real you emerges: cleansed and resplendent. So submit yourself to Life. And yes, one more thing: just make sure you don’t come in your own way!

We view Life’s myriad challenges as part of a grand conspiracy to suppress or annihilate us. Relax: this ain’t any conspiracy! On the other hand, Life has a grand design for each of us. It is Life’s responsibility to ensure we know ourselves and see ourselves as who we truly are. Though all of us are born pure, over several years of conditioning, we have acquired a different hue. We can’t even recognize ourselves. Our insecurities, our anxieties, our greed, have made us cold, bitter and lusterless. Our simple nature has been overshadowed by a complex craving to be noticed and understood, our intrinsic selflessness has been held hostage by me-first-ism, our fears suppress our faith and jealousy prevents us from letting others win.

 

We must recognize and accept the truth that we are not in control here. No, not in this lifetime. We are like passengers on a plane: we have to fasten our seat belts, sit back and either enjoy or endure the ride. At times it will be calm, sometimes fun; at some other times there could be turbulence and the journey could be scary. To enjoy or endure a plane ride is a personal choice. But instead of trying to take charge, don’t we always simply let the pilot to do her job and land us safely? Do the same with Life too. Stop coming in your own way. Stop resisting every move of Life. Simply surrender and go with the flow!

Every loss is an opportunity to flow with Life!

When something or someone gets taken away from you, just accept the event as an opportunity to live without that something or person. The most remarkable quality about Life is that, no matter how you feel about your loss, Life simply goes on!  

This year opened with our “miracle” car breaking down! (Why I call it a “miracle” car is chronicled in my Book – ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money’; Westland, 2014.) The cost of fixing the car was far higher than the car’s value itself. Naturally, we sold the car. And obviously, given our financial state, we haven’t been able to buy another car. Then, our TV conked out. And then our 19-year-old (yes!!!) microwave too called it a day. We had been living without a washing machine for several months already, so suddenly, as I recalled to my wife, it seemed that we were the way when we were at the start of our careers. When we had none of the worldly assets that a household today necessarily needs – plus, we didn’t have work or money. As each of our basic necessities perished, we, as a family, adapted. None of us complained. None of us grieved. Yes, it was difficult. Whether it was having to wash clothes or heat food or simply not be able to put up your feet and watch TV. Without the car, we had to now deal everyday with the infamous auto-drivers of Chennai. But we just went on – knowing that this phase was something we all had to endure. Then, by the middle of the year, some friends stepped in and helped us replace our washing machine, microwave and TV. My smartphone too had crashed and another friend gifted me a spare phone he had. When I reflected on the year gone by, I couldn’t but marvel at the way Life works – Life just happens; things get taken away and yet, maybe you don’t get all that you want, but you do get whatever you need! Well, we still don’t have a car. But, seriously, we have learned to live without one!

Much of our insecurity about Life comes from our perceived inability to cope with loss. We imagine we cannot live without some things or some people. Yes, when we lose a thing or someone, that loss can be very painful. We will despair and grieve. But one way to deal with a loss is to ask yourself if you came into this world with this thing or person that you are grieving about. You came alone and empty-handed. And you will leave alone and empty-handed. Whatever you claim you own is what was given to you here. Your name, your qualifications, your experiences, your relationships, your money, your assets, your memories – all of them happened and are happening in this lifetime. And none of them can go with you when you depart from this planet. So, why fear losing someone or something, why grieve over the loss of someone or something, when you can’t take them away with you?

I have discovered that every loss is a beautiful opportunity to learn to live fully. This really means that every loss is an opportunity to trust Life more. To know that if you have been created, you will be provided for and looked after – no matter what happens to you. So, if you are faced with a loss, just accept your new reality and allow Life to take you forward. When you live this way, you will discover that Life simply goes on – and you too will learn to flow with it!     

Learn to trust Life and go follow your bliss!

Don’t postpone living – go do what you love doing and Life will take care of your bills and responsibilities!  

Yesterday, our neighbor visited us and we spent a good hour chatting about Life. His family has been going through a lot of challenges. His wife has been bed-ridden for over two years now. She’s had several orthopedic challenges with respect to her lower limbs. She’s already been through four surgeries and the prognosis is that she can walk with support only in a few more months. Meanwhile, my neighbor too was felled by a rare disease that paralyzed his muscles, and he had to spend over a month in hospital and six months recovering at home. Now that he’s much better, my neighbor, who’s in his late 50s, told us, “I want to spend the rest of my Life doing what I love doing. This experience has taught us that we must live our lives fully and enjoy every moment. In fact, thanks to my stay at the hospital, I have learned to even love my physical limitations and challenges.”

My neighbor makes a very valid point. Most of us postpone living, hoping that we can “some day” live the Life that we want. The moot question is when is that “some day” going to arrive? The truth is that if you expect that day to arrive in the future it never will – because when you reach a milestone you have set for yourself, a new one will entice you. For instance, if at 20 you decide that you will make a million dollars, by the time you are 30, to secure your finances and then go to do what you love doing, chances are you will either make that million or you won’t. If you don’t, you will want to continue to keep trying and so you will push your “do-what-I-love-doing” deadline to 40. And if you do, you will want to make some more money, to feel more secure – because more the money, more the insecurity! Or finally when you are ready, your family responsibilities will weigh you down – either your parents need looking after or your spouse needs support or your kids need financial assistance. Or simply, after you turn 50, after over 30 years of running the rat race, earning a living, raising a family, meeting targets and working hard, you are just exhausted. You don’t want to take “any risks”. And this is how, sadly, Life gets postponed.

There is no better day than today to start living the Life you want. You can either postpone living and keep suffering work and Life situations that you abhor or you can simply take the plunge and live the Life you want to – doing what you love doing. I talk from experience. Though I decided at age 29 that I will follow my bliss, it wasn’t until I turned 36 that I discovered what gave me joy. But over the last 11 years I have stood my ground – despite the gravity of my financial challenges – choosing to do only what I love doing and where I can create value. In this time, while money has been virtually non-existent, Life has taken care of all that I need. So, from the Life I have and what I have seen, I will always champion that when you know what gives you joy – just go do it. Don’t worry or feel insecure. Know that if you have been created, you will be taken care of and provided for. Learn to trust Life and go follow your bliss!

Life is a limited period offer. The Buddha has famously said: “The trouble is you think you have time”. This is so true. Which is why we naively keep postponing living. It is important that we pause and reflect on our lives from time to time. And no better time to do it than today – this Monday, now! Ask yourself – What  am I running around for? What do I really love doing? And what am I doing about it? Hopefully, your answers will awaken you to a Life of joy and you will go do what you want to do in the time that you still have left. When you let go, and live your Life without postponing it, Life will take care of you in ways in which you can’t even fathom!