Don’t “chatyampidichufy” with Life!

If you can’t enjoy it at certain times, learn to endure it while not resisting it.

In Palaghattan lingo (native to TamBrams hailing from Palakkad, Kerala), there is a phrase called “chatyam pidikarthu”. It means to “behave like a spoilt brat – adamant and obstinate”! Exasperated parents often use a variation – “chatyam pidikathey ‘tya” – (“Don’t behave like a spoilt brat, ok?!”) to admonish their children who are protesting vehemently when they are denied toys or food or anything that they immediately want.

I was reminded of this phrase when someone I know called me to a while ago. The caller referred to his cousin who continues to “brood, mourn and sulk” over his inability to get a job. “This has been going on for months now. My cousin has been refusing to heed any reason, he just goes into a dark hole and refuses to come out,” said the caller.

People who are sulking or brooding over their Life situations usually are very strong-willed. They like to have everything under their control. They can’t imagine that their efforts are not bearing fruit. So, they continue to fight Life, often by being angry with Life. In a way, to marry Palaghattan with colloquial Tanglish usage, “chatyampidichufying” with Life is of no use. Life is never bothered about how you are feeling. Whether you exult or mourn, Life couldn’t care less. It just goes on and on, doing what it pleases. And whatever you resist, not just persists, it causes all your suffering. So, while a Life event or a phase that you are going through may cause you intense pain, you suffer only because you are adamant and obstinate, you suffer only because you wish things were different from what they are. But if you think about Life deeply, it is always what it is. And all your bawling, your sulking, has no impact on Life. When a child acts cranky, demanding attention or that a wish be fulfilled, a parent usually relents immediately. But Life has no such compulsions or sense of urgency. No matter how much you sulk, how long you brood, how depressed you are, Life happens only at its own pace, in its own time, happening only the way it wants to happen.

Simply, “chatyampidichufying” with Life, fighting it, is a zero-sum game. Instead flow with it. If you can’t enjoy it at certain times, just learn to endure it. That’s the key to avoid suffering and to be happy!

Let downs can only be handled well when you let go

Don’t cling on to anything – or anyone – that makes you suffer!

A reader asked me this question: “What do you do when your husband of 30 years lets you down?”

I know it is easy to advise someone to move on, but let go does not come easily when there has been a let down. Yet, in most instances, it is the only option you have to protect your inner peace.

Grief, anger and a sense of worthlessness accompany a let down. The fact that you have been taken for granted, treated like a piece of s**t, used, pissed on, passed over and trampled upon – all these come together to puncture your self-worth. You feel miserable. And I want to tell you that it is perfectly alright, natural, to feel that way.

I have experienced let downs too. In professional contexts. And in a very personal relationship – with my own mother. (Read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal). So, I am sharing here what I have learnt from my own lived experiences. I was haunted by my let downs each time only when I clung on to the hurt.

To be sure, you will be hurt when you are let down. The pain cannot be avoided. But look at the situation dispassionately. The other person did what they did to you only because they wanted to do it – to them, therefore, their action did not look inappropriate or wrong. What is the point in grudging the actions of someone who does not even know that they are doing something that may hurt another? We have to also realize that people change – all the time, over time. Just because someone was one way some years ago, it must not be assumed, or expected, that they will be that way forever. When people change the way they think, they change the way they behave too. So, when you are let down in a relationship, you are questioning someone’s current actions while comparing them to their past actions, to a past that is over, that is dead. The irrefutable truth is that the person who you believe has hurt you has left you behind and moved on long, long ago, while you are still living in that dead past! That someone has looked outside of the relationship, or has decided to stay distant from the relationship, only because they don’t relate to you anymore. There may be myriad reasons why they are thinking, feeling and acting the way they are. But that’s the truth. And the faster you accept this new reality, the lesser you will suffer, the faster you will heal.

But the human mind will magnify and complicate this simple, straight-forward “no relating = relationship is dead” situation. For instance, if it is an issue between spouses, the mind will bring in the context of marriage, society, children and family. Marriage is an institution – make it work. What about the kids – make it work for at least their sake! You cannot act against a prevalent social norm, so adjust, accommodate. But if you consider the fact that the marriage was long dead even when either or both partners stopped relating to each other, you will see the pointlessness of suffering something or someone for the sake of others! In my case, it is an issue where my mother doesn’t trust me. Of course, my mind magnified things and tried to point out that I have to appreciate and understand that it is my mother, who, biologically, is responsible for my very existence on the planet. When I couldn’t bear my suffering anymore, I employed the “we don’t relate to each other anymore” logic and decided to stay away. I am sure it has helped her as much as it has helped me. We inhabit different orbits, but are peaceful in our own spaces.

Although I am in favor of forgiving – even if you can’t forget what happened – and moving on, I don’t champion that necessarily. I believe people will learn to forgive on their own. And they will do that only when they realize the value in forgiving – that it liberates you from the burden of anger, grief, guilt and poor self-worth. So, all I will say is that the thumb-rule for all decision-making in Life must be to ask yourself what makes you happy.  In a let down, when you ask this of yourself, you will realize that only letting go can help you end your suffering, heal and be happy.

Kannadasan’s lyrics mean more to me now than an astrologer’s prophecy

What can you do by knowing your future – you still can’t change a thing!

A famous artist I met recently told me that he had added an alphabet to his name, on the advice of a numerologist, in the hope that his fortunes would improve. “But, on the contrary, things have worsened,” he lamented. He then asked me: “Is there any truth or logic in all these things – astrology, numerology, vaastu, feng shui – can they change one’s Life?”

I am often asked this question. Perhaps because in my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal I talk about how two astrologers, a father-son duo Balan Nair and Ramamohan Nair, gave us perspective and direction in our darkest hours. Yes, I do believe that all of these – astrology, numerology, vaastu and feng shui – are sciences. So I respect them. But I have learnt that beyond gaining perspective and direction, we must not look for them to resolve our Life situations. They simply can’t!

Let me explain. When you go to a doctor, you are prescribed a medicine. You must take the medicine for you to heal. Similarly, when you go to an astrologer, invariably – especially if the astrologer is an expert and is ethical – you are advised prayer. This is all what astrologers can and must do – they must tell you more about the phase you are going through in Life and advise prayer. What is prayer at the end of the day? It is just a form of surrender to a Higher Energy. Prayer in the context of a sunny, prosperous phase really means being grateful for all the abundance; and in the context of a turbulent, dark phase means acceptance and surrender. Clearly, a good astrologer can only read your chart efficiently and share with you the facts, the context, of your ongoing Life experience. No astrologer can change your chart. Therefore, over time, I have learnt that when practitioners of numerology, vaastu and feng shui make claims to “alter” your Life’s course, they are really talking bunkum. I don’t hold it against them though. That’s their business model and their need to earn a living drives them to do what they do.

After over a decade of living through a cathartic phase in Life, I have come to realize that the only way to dealing with Life is to simply be in the moment. You can’t solve some inscrutable Life situations. You have to go through any experience for as long as it lasts, however long it takes. Apart from just being, being happy, prayer is good coping device. When you pray – and I don’t at all mean or recommend being ritualistic or religious here – just surrender to a Higher Energy. Offer yourself to be led by it. Trust the process of Life and go with the flow. I am happy to report that I have even stopped seeking direction and perspective from my astrologers. I no longer am keen to know when my trials and tribulations will end. As you can see, I am not bitter with Life either. In fact, I am delighted I am going through this phase because it has only made me stronger, wiser and happier. Without this experience, I will not have learnt the art of being, being happy – which is really to be non-worrying, non-frustrated when results don’t come and non-suffering in the wake of so much pain.

In reply to a mail that I had sent providing an update on our situation, a friend to whom I owe money wrote this reply recently: “I really hope that in 2017 all your troubles vanish and Vaani and you bounce back. You can’t keep going through this phase endlessly.” My cousin asked me once: “How long will you endure this? Don’t you want to know when all this will end?” I know that everyone wishes us well and are genuinely concerned for us. But is there any point in knowing when a tough phase in Life will end? What can you do with such knowledge? Whether you know that it will end soon or later, you have to go through whatever you have to. Nothing – and no one – can change that reality. So, Vaani and I have realized that it is best to go through whatever is in store, stoically, with a smile. There is intense pain at times, but our equanimity, our happiness, helps us not to suffer.

10 years ago, I would have advised you to meet an astrologer. I would have referred you to a vaastu or feng shui expert. I studied numerology myself so I may have volunteered some advice for you. But now I will simply say, accept what is, be happy and go within – realize yourself! As the famous lyrics of Kannadasan from Vettaikaran (1964, K V Mahadevan, T M Soundararajan, MGR, Savitri) go: Nee Unnai Arinthal, Nee Unnai Arinthal, Ulagathil Poradalam ...It means: “If you realize yourself, your true Self, you can battle and thrive in the real world…”

 

Just be who you are: don’t hide your suffering and cook in it!

Don’t suffer in silence thinking it is a very cruel world out there. It clearly is not.

Through her Facebook post last evening, a young friend wonders if sharing your story of pain and suffering, and making yourself vulnerable, is worth it. She fears that it could prove costly. Instead, she believes in suppressing her suffering and smiling in pain.

From our own experience, I would say, doing just the opposite can be very liberating. Wear your Life on your sleeve. Be vulnerable. And the compassion of the Universe will nurture you, protect you and take you along.

This learning forms the essence of my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal. Sharing this learning, and inspiring happiness by encouraging people to just be who they really are, has become our raison d’etre – for Vaani and me.

What we have learnt is that the world is full of compassionate, loving, helpful people. Someone, somewhere is always there to help us onward, to last one more day. Of course, there are those who will judge you. A few others may even dump you. And some more may just choose to avoid you. But they are a minority. A lot of people are really like you and me – caught in similar Life situations, trying to grapple with pain, trying to understand how to get rid of their suffering. So, this majority, believe me, understands, appreciates and is always willing to lend you a shoulder or give you a hand.

Even as I am writing this blogpost, we are working on a short film promoting our Life Coaching Program – Let’s Talk Happyness – which is being made at zero-budget. Because we seriously don’t even have money to cover our living expenses. But our financial handicap has not prevented us from pursuing the idea with two young film-makers who we met recently. When we told them our story, they spontaneously offered to do this film. A friend offered us the venue. And another friend is offering us her studio for dubbing. All of this pro bono. Nobody is judging us. Nobody is doing this out of sympathy either. Everyone is doing this because they know what Life is and what it means to be caught in a tight spot and be vulnerable. They empathize – truly!

We must understand three things about Life in order to appreciate that being vulnerable is not wrong, and certainly not dangerous; it, in fact, is a very normal, logical, intelligent, thing to do. 1. Pain is inevitable. You clearly cannot control what happens to you in Life. And some of what happens will always cause you pain. 2. But you suffer from pain only because you wish that the pain were not there in the first place. For instance, a headache never causes suffering. A headache is just painful. It is your desire, your want, that the headache must not be there that causes your suffering. Therefore, suffering is a human creation; it is optional, it is avoidable. 3. Whatever you suppress, or resist, will persist. Suppressing suffering and smiling in pain is just martyrdom. By doing that, you are only multiplying your suffering.

So, if you are having a Life challenge, a crisis, an enormous, extra-ordinary amount of pain, or whatever it is that you are dealing with, go out there and tell the world about it. Don’t worry about the judgments a few people are likely to pass. Don’t give such people the license to prolong your suffering. Don’t try to live two lives: one to hide your suffering and another to cook in it! Just be who you are. The Life you have is the only one you have! So, be open and declare courageously: Yes, I have intense pain, I am in a shithole, I am messed up, but this is who I am. Help me if you can and I will humbly take all that you give me compassionately. If you can’t help me, then please excuse me; what you think of me, my choices and my situation doesn’t really bother me!

Try this approach, of wearing your Life on your sleeve, and see what a beautiful world it is!

PS: If you liked this blogpost, please share it to help spread the learning it carries!

Live Life unconditionally to get through it without suffering

In a crisis, take it one moment, one step, at a time!

Yesterday, I delivered my Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk at a large IT company where I was invited as an Author to speak to about 200 managers. A member of the audience wanted to know what methods we are employing to go through our enduring crisis.

Vaani and I looked at each other and smiled at hearing that question. People often want to know if there are methods and mantras to live Life. In fact, a publisher friend who went through the first draft of my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal  told us that it would flop if it did not have a list of To-Dos at the end of every chapter. We ignored that advice, with due respect to our friend, because we have learnt from our experience that there are no methods to live Life. Each one of us has to live through our stories in our own unique ways. Every moment has to experienced fully, unconditionally, no matter what the circumstances are. This is the only way you can be free from suffering even when you are in the throes of pain.

However, a deeper awareness of Life immensely helps in going through it. Just know that, no matter how ethical or compassionate you are, no matter how hard you pray, no matter how much talent or wealth you possess, there will be times when Life will be very, very challenging. You will feel defeated and deflated in such situations. But don’t despair. Because the entire essence of Life is to face whatever comes your way. Think about this – did Life promise you a turbulence-free ride at any time? It is your conditioning that makes you want only what you want. You want comfort, care, compassion, love, good health, money and, perhaps, an easy Life. But there are no guarantees that Life’s going to grant you all that you want. So, often times, you will have to encounter neglect, hatred, misunderstanding, cashlessness, worklessness, disease and a very, very tough Life – a Life that you don’t want! You will believe that it’s impossible to live such a Life. You would want a way to end all your suffering. And the way to do that is not to give up on Life, but to give in to it, to accept the way your Life is, face it and live in the moment.

So, especially in a crisis, you take one moment, one step, at a time. Life’s pretty much like the headlights of your vehicle. You know where you want your vehicle to go. You know the destination. But in the darkness of the night, the headlight can’t get you to see the destination. Yet it can light up the distance, a few feet at a time, and as you make progress you get to see what lies ahead. This goes on, until of course, it is daylight or you reach the destination you were driving toward. Life works exactly the same way. The night, the crisis, is not going away immediately. A new dawn awaits you, but it is never dawn until daylight arrives. So, in the darkness of the night, follow the headlight principle. Don’t expect the entire road to be lit up. Be content with being able to see just a few feet at a time. In Life, therefore, don’t expect clarity and answers to what lies a week, a month, a year down the road, or in the distant future. Just know that you will survive, that you will get all that you need, that you will be cared and provided for. Know that you will ultimately prevail.

I am reminded of a lesson that my guruswami (the one who leads a group of pilgrims) shared with me on my first pilgrimage to Sabari Malai (the hill shrine of Lord Ayyappa in Kerala) years ago. He said that the climb was going to be very grueling – it’s a distance of 5 kms up very steep (at one point up an almost 75-degree incline) hills, to be covered by foot. We would all suffer, he said, if we kept thinking of when the climb would end. “Instead keep your thoughts on the destination, with wanting to see the Lord. Feel the air in your lungs. Enjoy the scenery. Don’t think about the climb and you will be able to make it with great ease,” he advised.

In any challenging context in Life, all your suffering comes when you think of what you are enduring and wish that you didn’t have to go through what you are going through. Instead experience whatever is. Feel the pain, the sorrow, the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety – feel everything without wishing it away. Through this continuous feeling, your ability to withstand anything, and endure, will be greatly enhanced. Your problems may not go away. But you will be able to deal with them better.

Life, I have understood, is just a string of experiences, from birth to death. As long as you do not impose conditions on what you are experiencing, at any given moment, no matter what it is, you can always face it.

PS: If you liked this blogpost, please share it to help spread the learning it carries!

Brewing a new coffee flavor delivers a Life lesson

You too can experience a Life that’s free from suffering if you can embrace it without resistance.

My mornings have to begin with the filter coffee that Vaani makes. Pardon my indulgence, but I believe she makes the best filter coffee in the world. So, outside of home, I will rarely try filter coffee. Everywhere else it has to be black coffee or the Americano, if it is Starbucks. Some weeks ago, Vaani and I felt that the brand of packaged coffee that we had been using for years now, Cothas, appeared to be losing its distinct flavor. So, reluctantly, we decided to switch to a new brand (for us), Leo, whose freshly-ground, custom-mixed, coffee powder was available at the neighborhood Nilgiri’s store. The first few days of drinking Leo coffee was an unusual experience. Naturally. The beans were different, the Leo coffee mix was ground fresh and obviously the flavor was its own. Not Cothas’, which I had got so accustomed to with over a decade of use. But over the past fortnight, something interesting happened. My mind no longer pined for the Cothas flavor. I got used to the new Leo flavor and soon started enjoying it.

This morning I reflected on the learning from this experience. Why was I able to adjust to the new flavor, though, initially, I kind of disliked it? I guess the fundamental reason was that I trusted Vaani’s choice of wanting to switch brands and her ability to make great, absolutely great, coffee. Second, I started appreciate the Leo flavor without letting my mind pine for Cothas. This experience pretty much sums up how we can all learn to deal with Life better. If we pause and reflect on Life deeply, we will find that Life is nothing but a series of experiences, a set of happenings, sometimes related and sometimes unrelated. Each experience brings with it a new flavor, a unique one – and surely not one that you may either want or like. The mind will rush to resist the new experience and the flavor it carries. But any form of resistance to whatever’s happening will always lead to suffering. So, the best way to deal with Life is to embrace each new event, and the new flavor it brings along, hold it and learn to appreciate it and value it for what it is. In the coffee-brand-switch story, Vaani and I have a choice. If we didn’t like Leo, we can switch to yet another brand and then one more and so on. Or we can give up drinking coffee altogether. But almost all Life events just happen to us – there is no freedom of choice. So, the only way we can be at peace within ourselves is when we accept the Life given to us and learn to appreciate and celebrate its flavor of the moment, in that moment!

When you learn to live this way, you will realize that anything can be faced – from a terminal health problem to a dysfunctional relationship issue to a job loss to financial stress to death – without suffering. Yes, there will be pain. Because when what you don’t like or want comes into your Life, there will be pain. But if you are willing to experiment and explore newer flavors of Life, even if they are untried, untested, unknown to you, you will find Life is wonderful and free from suffering, even if it is strange.

PS: If you liked this blogpost, please share it to help spread the learning it carries!

Be a witness to your Life – be unmoved and non-suffering!

When you step back and behave like a third party to your own Life, nothing can hold you hostage.

I delivered my ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’  Talk to a group of entrepreneurs recently. One of them reached out later in the evening and asked me if Life as maya, an illusion, can be explained. His exact question was: “How can something that causes so much suffering be unreal and an illusion?”

The answer is simple: Anything that you identify yourself with and start getting attached to will cause your suffering. So, the solution is simpler – stay detached, be in a witness-state, as a witness of your own Life!

As a young boy when my parents took me to watch ‘Sholay’ (Ramesh Sippy, Amitabh Bachchan, Dharmendra, Hema Malini, Jaya Bhaduri and Amjad Khan) in a New Delhi cinema hall called Rachna in 1975, I remember I refused to come out of the hall when the movie got over. I was grief stricken that Jai (Amitabh Bachchan) was dead. I had come to identify with him. It was only when my dad sat me down and explained to me that the ‘real’ Amitabh Bachchan was still alive, and that this was just a movie, did I understand and agree to go home!

Many of us are in so much grief with our Life situations. This is because several of us are like how I was after watching ‘Sholay’ – we are clinging on to our made-up identities and are therefore struggling with this illusion called Life! Unless we step back, and away, as my dad advised me to, and see that our whole Life is just an illusion, like a movie, we will continue to be miserable. Two realities about Life must be understood. First, this lifetime is a limited period offer. It is impermanent. And anything that is impermanent is only an illusion! Second, Life happens. And keeps on happening. As Life happens chances are you will get what you want; chances are also that what you don’t want will come into your Life, often despite your best efforts. There were crises, there are crises and there will be crises as we go through Life. Each of those Life crises or tragedies or painful situations will leave us numb and confounded. The only way out, and the only way to find inner peace and happiness, is to stop identifying with anything or anyone that is impermanent. Don’t identify with success – getting what you want and don’t identify with failure – what you didn’t want!

You are not your problems. You are not your relationships. So don’t cling on to any identity. Identification is the root cause of all misery. When you are in the throes of a big crisis, when you don’t see a way out to end it, take a deep breath, step back and watch the situation with the eye and view of a detached third party.  Be a witness. Know that whatever it is, it won’t last. Because everything is impermanent. If you get this, you have understood Life, you have understood that it is all maya, an illusion, and you have understood that it is therefore possible to be non-suffering! So, don’t participate in any Life situation by worrying and by attempting to solve it by feeling anxious, insecure or fearful about it! Just watch your Life, your place and role in a given context or situation, and let an awakening happen within you – that enlightens you! You will then realize that there is always an opportunity to be happy, despite your circumstances!