Ridding yourself of comparisons and envy

Comparing yourself with others is what ruins your inner peace. Drop all comparisons. You are unique. Just as everyone else is.  
A participant at one of my workshops recently asked me, “How do you not envy someone who has everything that you don’t?”
His question was as profound as it was candid. To compare, and often times, even subconsciously, feel jealous of someone is a normal human quality. But if you are aware, you will find that jealousy does not help in any manner. In fact, it ruins your inner peace. It is only through your awareness that you can drop comparisons and stop feeling jealous of someone!
I remember reading a story. A man was sitting peacefully on a mountain top. He was taking in the scenery. It was a beautiful morning. He had had a very rough time in the past few weeks. So, he had decided to trek up the mountain just to get some quiet time to himself. His girlfriend had deserted him. And he had been heart-broken over that incident. But coming here, up the mountain, had helped him greatly. He must have been sitting there for over four hours. And he did not once think about his ex-girlfriend. He did not feel anger or grief. He was able to see how beautiful Life was – just as it was, despite whatever he was going through. Around noon, a young couple arrived at the mountain top. They were happy to be with each other. The man saw this couple and his thoughts went back to his girlfriend and he started pining for her first. Then he was soon angry with her. And in some time, he was jealous of this other man for being able to have a girlfriend when he did not have one himself! The scenery and nature’s pristine beauty did not matter to him anymore. He was angry with Life. He left the place in a huff.
This story is very relevant. For it helps us understand the sequence of events that lead us to feeling miserable about any situation in Life. When the man was “present” in the moment, when he was taking in the scenery, he had no problems. For several hours he had no problems, no thoughts about his past. But the moment he allowed thoughts of his past, of his ex-girlfriend to creep in, he first started feeling uncomfortable, then angry and finally, miserable. This is the way the mind leads you to misery. When you are in the Now, when you are present in the moment, it is actually the state of no-mind. This is when all you are doing is that you are engaged in whatever is happening. If you are watching a movie, you are “in” it. If you are singing, you “are” the song. If you are reading a book, you “are” the book. There’s no past. There’s no future. There’s just you – in the Now!
The mind comes into play only when your attention wavers. Now awareness cannot stop your attention from wavering. But awareness can help you rein in your mind and bring your focus into the present moment. How do you build a higher level of awareness in you? Simple – by constantly training the mind to not interfere with the present. The mind thrives in debilitating emotions like guilt, grief, anger and worry – in the past or in the future. It is powerless in the present. To be sure, you too can train your mind through daily practices like meditation or mouna (observing silence periods).
So, don’t worry about your tendency to compare yourself with others or feel jealous of them. Those are the effects. Go to what’s causing the effect. Which is the mind. Work on training your mind. The more you train to not let your attention to waver, the more you will be present in the moment. And as long as you are present, no painful past or anxious future, can ever touch you. When you reach this state, through repeated practice, your Life will be blissful. Untouched by the scourge of comparison and envy!

Life happens only in the ‘NOW’

As the season’s energy peaks, remember this: living moment to moment, fully, and in complete gratitude, is the best celebration.

Life is a gift. You didn’t ask for it. Yet you have been born and given this lifetime. That you have been created human is a blessing. So celebrate your creation, make your lifetime memorable. Don’t squander this priceless gift away.

There are two factors that inhibit your living fully, intensely. One is worry. Worry is only about the future. It is always about what isn’t yet! And the other is guilt and/or grief. Guilt and/or grief are always about the past. About what has happened – about what is dead and gone. So, as long as you are steeped in worry and guilt/grief, you are not in the now. But Life happens only in the NOW! If you are not present in the now, in the moment, it will be gone – never to return again.

One sure way of expunging worry and guilt/grief is to understand Life deeply. Ask yourself – What am I afraid of? What am I worried about? What am I grieving over? What am I feeling sorry for? When you examine these questions closely and try to find their answers, you will find that invariably you will connect back to fearing a loss – of something you possess, of someone you love or perhaps, the loss of your own Life. But dig deeper and you will reckon that you came empty-handed and you will go empty-handed. All that you gained here in this Lifetime, including your relationships and your memories of this experience, will not go with you when you depart. So, where is this fear of perceived loss coming from? Only when you internalize this truth, will you awaken to living joyously, in the moment!

Drop all your worries. Get rid of your guilt. Let go of all grief. Life is not about doing. It is about being. When your whole being is tuned as a thanksgiving to Life, you will be soaked in abundance and bliss! This does not mean inaction. This means acting with total awareness. This means living fully – maximizing the opportunity to live and celebrate each moment!

Have a magnificent Sunday…

This Lifetime is the treasure that you hunt for


It is incredibly tragic. You__and I__have been brought up to always focus on a better tomorrow and never to celebrate a great today! From infancy to childhood to teenage to young adulthood to middle-age to senior citizenship __ it is one endless pursuit of growing knowledgeable (all the academic education that is thrust upon us), growing secure (a stable income, a marriage, a family) and growing financially (acquiring assets and saving for a comfortable retirement). Nowhere are we told or taught__unless we stumble upon it or seek for ourselves__to grow up, grow wiser, grow aware and grow into bliss!

It is indeed sad.

Let’s look at ourselves. We are continuously running, from one job to another, one achievement to another, one crisis to another, hoping to find a pot of gold, somewhere, somehow, so that we can stop running. We hate all this running. But we simply keep on running!

Yesterday I watched a lesser-known movie called ‘Chodo Kal Ki Baatein’ (2012 – directed by Pramod Joshi – starring Anupam Kher and Sachin Khedekar). It is the story of workaholic who discovers who he really is, and what is truly capable of, through a series of bizarre happenings in his Life.

The movie’s lead character Aditya reminded me of myself. There was a time, not so long ago, when I was running the rat race too. I would skip the annual days and sports days of my kids’ at school, and sometimes even their birthdays, because building a global Firm, winning marquee customers and leading a world-class team were far more important than family. Business and income always came first, family and enjoyment always came last. Stupidly enough, I would imagine that I was doing all this, working 24 x 7, all year through, only to secure my family financially. Whereas,  unknown to me (or perhaps it was evident but I refused to pay heed to it – call it hubris!), I was driving myself, my Firm and, worse, my family in exactly the opposite direction. To a financial apocalypse!

Then the inevitable happened. The Firm I led collapsed. And suddenly, in the ghastliness of a business defeat, I made a shameful personal discovery. I realized my kids had grown up and I had really not watched them grow up! The night my son took a flight out of Chennai for the US, to do an undergraduate program there, I remember coming back home from the airport, hugging his picture and crying like a baby. In yesterday’s movie, Aditya misses his daughter’s debut Bharatanatyam performance, her arangetram. And he doesn’t even realize it. When I missed my kids’ growing years, I too didn’t realize it. In the few years that have passed, I have realized, through tragedy, crises and painful ‘eureka’ moments, that Life’s treasures don’t lie in what we achieve. They lie in the moments that we live.

In the film, Aditya is asked by the blind mystic (Anupam Kher), who he (Aditya) is?

Aditya replies: “Aditya Pradhan”.

Blind Mystic: “That’s a name that your parents gave you…it is almost like a luggage tag, so that you don’t get lost in the crowd. What’s your true identity?”

Aditya: “I am a software engineer, the Vice Chairman of my company, successful business leader….”

Blind Mystic: “Is that really you? Are you really happy doing those things? Have you ever felt happy in this long, illustrious career that you speak of?”

Aditya, after much thinking, enlists a series of achievements……

Blind Mystic: “You can’t ever think about when you were happy. It means you are applying your intellect. Happiness cannot be thought of. It is felt. And it is what you feel from your soul.”

This was like The-Monk-Who-Sold-His-Ferrari-moment in the movie. I wish I had had a mystic or a monk to hold me a mirror early on in Life. Then probably, I may not have lost as many years in Life!

The learnings, from my story, and Aditya’s, are simple:

  • Life is happening now. Are you present?
  • You have lost the game of Life if you think of happiness. Happiness is what you feel, from the soul! You either feel happy or you don’t!
  • Life is not a treasure hunt. Because what you hunt for is already available to you, right here, right now!
  • What matters most is – how are you LIVING TODAY? The key words are, livingand today!

So, if you really want to live a more fulfilling Life, take time to say your good-byes, shut out your intrusive mobiles at family meal times, tuck your kids’ into bed and kiss them good night daily, make time for their silly moments and their school projects, for their music classes and their popcorn nights, make sure you get more done in five days of the week so that your family time is not intruded upon by your demanding work Life, and make time, at least weekly, for doing what truly makes you feel happy! You have heard this before. So it may well sound clichéd. Yet, this is the only way we must live __ because we live only once! This is not to say that we must not pursue successful careers. Or that we must not aim to create more wealth and be prosperous. This is simply a reminder service that if you are doing all those things, at the cost of living today, you are headed the wrong way. Working hard is certainly not working smart. Workaholicism is a disease. It is often an escape from reality. It may not often be a reality the workaholic lives in but may be about a haunting past, about an insecurity, and the workaholic keeps working so that the reality does not torment, does not bother anymore. Our society demands that we work to earn. But won’t it be better if we simply lived and earned on the side, in the bargain, without compromising on “living”? Think about it. Does any other creation of nature work the way man works? Do the trees, the rivers, the mountains, the crops in the farms, the fruits, the bees and the butterflies work __ meaninglessly, running a rat race__the way we do?

Mankind is guilty of creating two preposterous myths:

  • That an achieving mind is far more significant and powerful than a living soul!
  • That Life is a treasure hunt!

 Nothing can be farther from the truth! When you awaken from this stupor, imposed on you by centuries of conditioning, you will realize, like Aditya, like me, that if your soul is alive to the moment, to today, then it will recognize this lifetime as THE treasure!

It’s never too late to start living in Life!


It is never too late to start living in Life!

 

We miss the beauty and magic of everyday moments because we are either grieving over what happened or are fearful of what may happen. Truth be told, we are all, always, journeying through Life with more load than what we can carry. We are carrying baggage from the past __ guilt, remorse, grief and we are carrying unreasonable expectations of the future __ fear, worry and anxiety. Either way, we are struggling through Life. So, Life appears to be a drudgery. A burden. And a sad song.

 

To be sure, no one, simply no one, is spared of pain in this lifetime. Everyone who is born on the planet has to deal with their share until, as most scriptures say, death frees them. This is the truth and this reality is inescapable. It is when we label this share of pain as unfair, unjust and unkind, and therefore resist it, that we suffer.

 

Simply, tell you pain off: “Hello, you have come uninvited and I know I can’t do anything about it. So you be where you are, do what you want to do. I am choosing to be unmoved and I am choosing to just be. Now watch your relationship with pain change.” It will potter around with your Life but not at the cost of your missing the opportunity to live!    

 

In most Indian homes, despite the best pest control methods available today, it is rare that you will not find lizards. Now, there are many people who grieve at the sight of a lizard. They are petrified of them and imagine horrible consequences of co-existing with them. They cringe and suffer all the time. But there are several million others, across the subcontinent, that just let the lizards be and they be themselves. Yes, everyone wishes that the lizards don’t present themselves in front of them, but when they know they can’t do pretty much anymore, they make their peace and move on. Pain is like the lizard in an Indian home. It just likes to hang round. And it doesn’t have a vicious agenda to terrorize you and make you feel miserable. You suffer because you hate its presence! The best way to deal with pain is to make your peace with it. Then, Life becomes worth living.

Yesterday, it was very relieving to see a young friend come to terms with Life, making peace with her pain, a year after her husband’s untimely passing away. She celebrated the fact that she had found Life worth living all over again! It will be both impractical and foolish to imagine that she will not have memories and she will not feel sorrowful whenever she reminisces. But acceptance is a gift you can give yourself that will, while not taking away your pain, will help you to live without suffering. The key operative word here is ‘to live’.

So, make a serious investment in the rest of your Life NOW. This is one investment that requires no gestation period to earn you a return. You invest and you harvest instantaneously. Stop grieving over what has happened so far. And stop worrying about what will happen. You will be unable to live if you focus on ‘What Was’ or “What Isn’t’ or ‘What If’. Life thrives only in the ‘What Is’ realm. You can live fully only IN your Nows. And it is never too late to start living (IN) them!