When do we finally change

To transform, you must feel the urge from within

Life is a continuous process of dealing with new normals

When a marriage is on the rocks…

Avoid messiahship, be a shepherd instead

Each one is a product of the time and experiences they are going through.  

A young lady I know is heart-broken that she is unable to inspire someone who is terminally bed-ridden to see the abundance around him. She feels he is refusing to see the value in being happy, especially when the physical aspect of his circumstances are irreparable. “How do you get across to people who you know need positivity and inspiration but are not inclined to receive them,” she asked me.

The simplest answer to this question is this: to each one their own; when it is their time to awaken, they eventually will. So, it is perfectly normal for someone not wanting to see the abundance around them, or see the value in being happy, and instead choosing to be steeped in scarcity thinking and depression. Sometimes, you have to accept this reality even with your own child, parent, sibling, spouse or companion. Such is Life. Not everyone is going to see Life through the same prism as you are seeing it.

We must realize that each individual’s story, personal journey, is unique. And each one is a product of the time and experiences they go through. While someone may emerge stronger, wiser and happier from a catharsis, others may plunge into despondency and hopelessness. They may, when they realize the futility of their grief, eventually claw out of their crab holes or they may continue to wallow in self-doubt, self-pity, anger, sorrow, guilt and depression. When you try to inspire such people, remember always that motivation is an inside job – I repeat – so, to each one their own. You too must have come out of your depressive spiral only because you awakened from within. Yes, external stimuli – perspectives, events, people, whatever – helped, but you awakened only because you wanted to. Similarly, when you try to inspire someone, remember, they will awaken only when it is their time to awaken and only when they want to awaken.

Those who have learnt the art of intelligent living – of serving, loving and being happy – are often impatient. Understandably. They have realized that all Life is ephemeral, that it is all Maya, an illusion, which will soon dissolve, evaporate, disappear with time. So, they can’t quite understand why other people try to complicate their lives – and those of others around them – so much. They wonder: why can’t people appreciate that being happy and being human alone matters? Such hunger to change the world is great but messiahship is avoidable. When you start perceiving of yourself as a messiah, you put yourself on a pedestal and insist that you have the powers to influence everyone. This is not true at all. You can only inspire others to action; to be inspired and to act on what their inner voice is goading them to do is entirely up to them. So, be a shepherd instead of wanting to be a messiah. A shepherd never tires of taking the flock to graze irrespective of whether they really graze each time or not!

Which is why, when you are leading change in any context or environment, first be the change. And live that change no matter how harsh the circumstances are or how many people believe in what you have to share. This is the only way for you to protect your inner peace and be happy. Conversely, if you are not happy with who you are and what you are doing, you can never be the change that you want to see in the world.

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Brewing a new coffee flavor delivers a Life lesson

You too can experience a Life that’s free from suffering if you can embrace it without resistance.

My mornings have to begin with the filter coffee that Vaani makes. Pardon my indulgence, but I believe she makes the best filter coffee in the world. So, outside of home, I will rarely try filter coffee. Everywhere else it has to be black coffee or the Americano, if it is Starbucks. Some weeks ago, Vaani and I felt that the brand of packaged coffee that we had been using for years now, Cothas, appeared to be losing its distinct flavor. So, reluctantly, we decided to switch to a new brand (for us), Leo, whose freshly-ground, custom-mixed, coffee powder was available at the neighborhood Nilgiri’s store. The first few days of drinking Leo coffee was an unusual experience. Naturally. The beans were different, the Leo coffee mix was ground fresh and obviously the flavor was its own. Not Cothas’, which I had got so accustomed to with over a decade of use. But over the past fortnight, something interesting happened. My mind no longer pined for the Cothas flavor. I got used to the new Leo flavor and soon started enjoying it.

This morning I reflected on the learning from this experience. Why was I able to adjust to the new flavor, though, initially, I kind of disliked it? I guess the fundamental reason was that I trusted Vaani’s choice of wanting to switch brands and her ability to make great, absolutely great, coffee. Second, I started appreciate the Leo flavor without letting my mind pine for Cothas. This experience pretty much sums up how we can all learn to deal with Life better. If we pause and reflect on Life deeply, we will find that Life is nothing but a series of experiences, a set of happenings, sometimes related and sometimes unrelated. Each experience brings with it a new flavor, a unique one – and surely not one that you may either want or like. The mind will rush to resist the new experience and the flavor it carries. But any form of resistance to whatever’s happening will always lead to suffering. So, the best way to deal with Life is to embrace each new event, and the new flavor it brings along, hold it and learn to appreciate it and value it for what it is. In the coffee-brand-switch story, Vaani and I have a choice. If we didn’t like Leo, we can switch to yet another brand and then one more and so on. Or we can give up drinking coffee altogether. But almost all Life events just happen to us – there is no freedom of choice. So, the only way we can be at peace within ourselves is when we accept the Life given to us and learn to appreciate and celebrate its flavor of the moment, in that moment!

When you learn to live this way, you will realize that anything can be faced – from a terminal health problem to a dysfunctional relationship issue to a job loss to financial stress to death – without suffering. Yes, there will be pain. Because when what you don’t like or want comes into your Life, there will be pain. But if you are willing to experiment and explore newer flavors of Life, even if they are untried, untested, unknown to you, you will find Life is wonderful and free from suffering, even if it is strange.

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Don’t squander your energy – and time – trying to change people who don’t want to change

In a relationship conflict, consider preserving your inner peace first. That’s what matters most.

A young lady we met recently talked about her failed marriage. She said when she saw the relationship withering away, she took time off to think things through. And then she came back into the relationship to give it one more chance. But when her spouse refused to see value or reason in her efforts, she said, she just decided to move on. “I didn’t see the point anymore. I knew I had to go on to live the Life that was waiting for me,” she explained.

Break-ups are never easy. Surely not when you have made every effort to make things better. But prudence lies in thinking the way the young lady reasoned with her situation. You can try to wake up someone who is asleep. But you can never quite wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep. So, if a relationship must work – any relationship – both parties must be ready and willing to change. This is not about being willing to adjust or accommodate alone; it is about being to relate to each other’s points of view. I don’t think there’s anyone who will be unreasonable or unwilling to change themselves if they see, agree and relate to the other person’s point of view. The tragedy is that most of the time they don’t relate to what you are saying. And so they refuse to change. Therefore, in such cases, it is just best you move on instead of hoping, pining and waiting for the other person to change, losing precious time in Life doing this, and often suffering through the process.

A fundamental understanding we all need to cultivate is that nobody is good or bad; no one is right or wrong. It is just that each of us is a product of the time – in Life – that we are going through. So, in some phases in Life, people refuse to see what’s evident, what’s simple and what’s best for all parties concerned. They just think that what they are thinking is right, they believe in what they are doing and they understand that their way, their reasoning, is the only way. So, when dealing with such a situation, when the parties involved in a relationship conflict are refusing to see each other’s point of view, it is best to not press on. This is not giving up, this is not being selfish either. This is being practical, logical and sensible. This is about wanting to preserve your inner peace and choosing to be happy.

Four words that can help you cope with Life better: “Everything – and Everyone – Changes!”

It is our inability to accept our new, ever-changing, realities that causes all our suffering.  

Yesterday, we watched an interesting Malayalam film called “Neena” (2015, Lal Jose, Deepti Sati, Vijay Babu, Ann Augustine). It’s a love triangle of sorts involving two very strong women characters, Neena and Nalini, and Nalini’s husband – who is also Neena’s boss – Vinu. When Neena chooses to distance herself from Vinu, just when he is willing to get involved with her, a character in the film, a psychiatrist, tells Vinu: “Everything changes. Absolutely everything.”

I loved the line and the impactful manner in which the psychiatrist character (played by Lena Abhilash) delivers it onscreen. Apart from triggering a pivotal turning point in the film’s script, the line has a deep spiritual import. If you have understood this line and internalized it, Life can be so much simpler to live. I will add to that line, remember this, everyone changes too – and that includes you!

It doesn’t matter how old you are, but if you spend some time reviewing and reflecting on your Life so far, you too will appreciate that you have witnessed so much change in and around you in all your time. Yet, why do we struggle with dealing with change? The answer is pretty simple. We refuse to accept that Life is ever-flowing, like a river, in fact. We want and expect our Life to be static, just so that it remains the way we want it to be. But this is impossible. According to a popular Zen saying, you don’t step into the same river twice. This means that in the time you took to step into a river, withdrew your feet, and stepped in again, the river has flown; it has changed! So it is with Life. Gulzar captures this so beautifully in the immortal Kishore Kumar song “Aane Wala Pal, Jaane Wala Hai” from Golmaal (1978, music by R D Burman). The second line of the mukhda is very powerful. It says, “…Ho Sake To Isme Zindagi Bita Do, Pal Jo Yeh Jaane Wala Hai…” It means, “…live your Life in the moment, for this moment will be gone soon…”

Indeed, over time, everything and everyone changes. This is the unalterable law of the Universe. So, if you find that people around you have changed, your old relationships have withered away even as newer ones have evolved, take them as they come. When you see physical, bodily changes in you, don’t fear them, know that it is a natural process of change – growing first, slowly withering away to eventually perishing. Every aspect of our lifestyle has changed in just the last 10 years – from the way we bank, to the way we communicate to the way we shoot pictures and the way we connect and share with our friends and family.  With such irrevocable change happening to us and around us, it is a no-brainer that change must be welcomed and embraced for your own inner peace, your own happiness. Yet, the only reason why you struggle with change is because you are non-accepting of it. Instead embrace the change, accept it and move on. Learn to flow with Life. Remember: all what you resist causes your suffering. But the moment you accept whatever is, you can be totally happy – not matter what your circumstances are.   

Why the man who lives by the ‘serve to deserve’ principle deserves a chance

To do what’s right than what appears to be right is a deeply spiritual and personal choice that we must all learn to make.  

I don’t write on politics. So this post is not about the political context of the occasion – the upcoming Assembly elections in Tamil Nadu.

Raja Krishnamoorthy

This post is about a man who I have known for close to two decades now and who I have great admiration for: Raja Krishnamoorthy. He’s a HR Thought Leader by learning and from experience, he’s an actor by choice and a lover of Life – intuitively inspired by people and nature. He’s now an Independent candidate for the Velachery Assembly Constituency that covers a substantial part of South Chennai including Adyar, Thiruvanmiyur and Besant Nagar. Through this post, I share the Life lessons that I have learnt from Raja and perhaps, through my sharing, you may get an intimate and personal view of who the man is. (Disclosure/Disclaimer: I don’t live in the Velachery Constituency area and Raja is not aware that I am writing this blogpost!)

Raja and I work in the same space – HR, Organizational Transformation, Change Management. Both of us are well-known speakers and are often invited to deliver Talks at various forums. But that’s today. If I am an inspired speaker or a respected professional in the HR and Workplace Happiness (our niche) arena, it is only because Raja has enriched me with his presence and given me the space to grow. I have literally learnt sitting at his feet. Now unless a guru allows such an opportunity how can any shishya ever evolve? So, Raja’s greatest quality is that he’s deeply compassionate. He’s a genuine, self-less giver.

Raja is not someone who wants to impress anyone either with his expressiveness as an actor or his oratorical brilliance. Whatever he says comes from deep within him, from his soul – so it resonates instantaneously with anyone who is seeking and is tuned in. He taught me the value of learning to first ‘serve’ before you say that you ‘deserve’. Until he pointed it out to me, I didn’t quite realize that the word ‘deserve’ would be impossible to spell without ‘serve’ in it. But he urged me to look beyond the spelling and construction of the word. He taught me to understand the opportunity in offering oneself to the Universe, every single time we do something. It may be the work we do, it may the food we make, it may be gardening, it may be tipping someone who’s been helpful, it may be singing or it may be delivering a Talk or taking a picture – whatever you do, offer it as a service. When my wife Vaani and I began a cathartic phase (that we are still enduring) of our Life, this ‘serve to deserve’ principle of Raja’s helped us anchor ourselves. We are still struggling to put our bankrupt business back on track, trying to be successful in a financial and material way, but success (per the worldly sense) is eluding us. So, employing Raja’s principle, we flipped the paradigm and decided to be useful and not just try to be successful. So, we engage with people and communities every single day – even if it is not financially rewarding – and serve by sharing what we have learnt from Life. {I have acknowledged this paradigm shift in detail, and Raja’s role in it, in my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’ (Westland).} Raja lives by the ‘serve to deserve’ principle, every moment of every single day!

The third, and perhaps most significant, quality about Raja is that he truly fits management guru Noel Tichy’s definition of leadership – he has the ability to see reality and mobilize the appropriate response. So, his leadership skills are not confined by space or time. They are driven by his deep sense of purpose to serve and his unquestionable personal integrity. If he sees something as right he will do it, no matter what. And if he sees something as wrong he will stand up against it. He has the courage – not bravado – to say what he wants to say. I remember, during the 2014 general elections, at a time when there was considerable euphoria over the meteoric rise of the Aam Aadmi Party, he took a principled stand to withdraw from supporting the party’s campaign in Chennai. But he did that by openly writing to Arvind Kejriwal. He didn’t say an extra word and nor did he flirt with other political opportunities. He simply went back to doing what he loves doing – which is living fully, excited about Life, each moment. And there’s a learning here on leadership again – a great leader is one who not only knows what to do and when to do it, but also clearly knows what not to do and why not to do it too!

I believe that within the three qualities of compassion, the willingness to serve and purpose-driven, values-based leadership that Raja has, we, as a people, have an opportunity. There may be the oft-repeated argument that electing one Independent candidate cannot change a well-entrenched and horribly-wrongly-engineered political system. So it may appear to be right to ignore the value that an Independent brings to the table. But engaging with Raja means being part of the change we so desperately seek. It means making that deeply spiritual and personal choice to be the change ourselves. To do what’s right than what appears to be right.

Being ready is not enough – are you willing?

Change, personal transformation, is possible, when you are not just ready, but willing!

Talk to all those people that have a habit, a ruinous temptation which they can’t get over. Smoking, alcohol, being a compulsive skirt-chaser, staying cynical at all times__all these are habits. Yesterday a friend posted a status on his facebook Page saying there’s this man who comes jogging to the same park as him every morning. Except that this person is always on the phone, reviewing the previous day’s sales with his junior colleague. Shouting, ranting, kicking butt and both experiencing and expressing a lot of stress in the bargain! My friend concluded in his post that it doesn’t look like the man is enjoying being the way he is. And perhaps he is consumed by his occupational challenges. Possibly. In fact, no chain smoker or alcoholic enjoys being one. Every cynic wants to stop and see the magic and beauty in everyday Life. They are ready to change. But they are not willing. Being willing means this: you must accept that you will go through some pain as you begin the journey to transform yourself. You must know, believe and motivate yourself that this pain, this change is for the good. Willingness is a soul-related emotion. Readiness is mind-related. The voice of reason readies us. But it is our inner voice that makes us willing.

As Richard Bach, the famous American writer, wrote: “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly!” It is only because the caterpillar is willing, and not just ready, despite excruciating, life-threatening pain, that it becomes the butterfly! So, why crawl, as Rumi, the 13th century poet asked us: “Why crawl when you have been created to fly!” On a cosmic plane, our lifetimes are just about the lifespan of a butterfly’s! We have been created to enjoy the beautiful open spaces, and to drink in the pure nectar of Life. Then why do we crawl? Why are we suffering? The only reason is we are unwilling, even if ready, for change, for personal transformation. Be sure to encounter pain on this path!  But then, what’s Life, without some pain, without change!? You can avoid or escape neither. So, go change folks __ for your own good!