35 years on, the romance stays fragrant!

True companionship is about loving someone continuously – no matter what the circumstances are.

7-min read

I make good coffee these days.

This is a new skill that I learnt from my soulmate Vaani just a couple of years ago. The coffee I make does not taste as great as the one Vaani makes though. But on some days, I am pretty close to getting the flavor, the temperature, the aeration and the rich frothy presentation just right!

Interestingly, I met Vaani for the first time on October 27, 1987; that was at the college we both attended. So, later this month, we will complete 35 years of knowing each other.

And beautifully, magically, our romance has stayed fragrant over all these years.

No, it’s not only making good coffee that has helped keep our romance fragrant. Actually, to tell you the truth, for the longest time, I did not quite get into our kitchen at all. I was not even always around to be involved with many things on the home front. I was busy building a career and was later obsessed with growing our business. 

Yet, over the years, as Vaani and I know it, we have stayed loving. Which is, we did not just fall in love in end-1987; we have stayed loving – in the present continuous – ever since.

Now, we have been married for close to 34 years. But it is also not the marriage that keeps us together. It is our companionship. It is our choice to stay loving that has helped us remain soulmates.

In this time, we have faced three major crises. Of these three, we are still enduring two: A crippling bankruptcy, for the last 16 years; and another, a serious situation that we wish to keep private, for a few years now.  

Even so, despite all the upheavals in our Life, our companionship has only grown stronger. And that is because we continue to relate to each other.

Blending as soulmates

In the initial years of our companionship, when Vaani and I were much younger, our physical presence with each other surely mattered. We have kissed on public transport and have waited long spells for the other to join in at meal times. I remember, on my first overseas trip, to Tokyo in 1992, in an era when there was no WhatsApp or Facebook, I wept like a baby while calling Vaani over phone. I was missing her a lot. We have done a lot of interesting stuff together too – from celebrating atop the Eiffel Tower, to exploring New Delhi on foot, to curating memorable vacation experiences for ourselves as a family.

Over the years, we have transcended the physicality of our relationship. Also, for a long time now, we have been out of cash to gift each other things for wedding anniversaries and birthdays. But the intensity of longing and belonging between us has not diminished even a wee bit. We have blended as soulmates.

A celebratory spirit defines our companionship

These days, on some mornings, I wake Vaani up with hot, steaming, filter coffee. I help her with the dishes and with housekeeping chores. I enjoy removing the paint off her nails as much as she loves trimming my hair to give my near-bald pate a refined look. Importantly, we enjoy being with each other. We listen to old Bollywood songs together, exploring each composition and the lyrics, and sharing notes on them. We do the linen and laundry together. We shop for our weekly supply of groceries together too.

Our spirit of companionship, we realize, is celebratory. From the smallest of mundane tasks to the infrequent wins that come our way, everything gets celebrated. And, non-complainingly, we accept – and celebrate – our pain too.

This spirit of companionship has helped us beyond just surviving the enduring, tumultuous, bankruptcy that we continue to deal with. In fact, we are thriving. As the happynesswalas^TM, we are living a Life of purpose: Inspiring ‘Happyness’^TM! As a couple, our relationship transcends the personal space. We complement each other as business partners too. We are dogged in our collective effort to turn around our business and financial fortunes. Our running between the wickets is remarkable; it is the principal reason why, against the odds, we are still in the game! Clearly, our romance is fragrant despite the circumstances.

Because of the bankruptcy, everything material has been taken away from us – work, business, money, cars, gold jewelry, investments…every thing has gone away. We haven’t even been able to buy each other birthday or anniversary gifts during the last 16 years. Yet, despite the excruciating circumstances, between spells of pennilessness and those few times of finding some work and money, we have learnt to count on each other for strength.

Importantly, we accept whatever comes our way. Whatever we can do, to cope with the challenges that we are faced with, is done well, to the best of our abilities. We give everything our 100% – together! We both have learnt the fine art of flowing with Life.

Just a few years ago, when I told Vaani that I was feeling bad that I had never gifted her a ring, she said, playfully: “Okay, gift me a pumpkin!” So I went over to the street market around the Mylapore tank in Chennai and got her a pumpkin. Just where the street hawker sat, there was a small store that sold fancy, fake, ornaments. I bought Vaani a rather cute imitation ring for ₹100. When I got home, I stuck the ring into the pumpkin. I then went down on one knee and presented my “gift” to Vaani! We both laughed, hugged and kissed each other. In another year, again, unable to find money to gift ourselves something for an anniversary, we leveraged an innovative offering, My Stamp, from India Post. We had stamps issued with our pictures on them for a small fee! It was a low-budget idea. But it was a very memorable way to celebrate!

The pumpkin-ring gift!

The AVIS-Vaani ‘My Stamp’ from India Post!

And there have been instances when all we have done is to sit quietly; processing all the pain that has been heaped on us by Life. I have often felt Gulzar’s lyrics from Aandhi (1975) come alive in those moments: “Jee mein aata hai, tere daaman mein, sar chupa ke hum, rotey rahein, rotey rahein…!” (I feel like crying endlessly, burying my head in your bosom!”) Even so, those tender moments have always been a quiet celebration – of our being there for each other!

Disagree, differ; but never say: “I told you so!”

Surely, Vaani and I sometimes disagree with each other. On what we must do with a situation we are dealing with. Or over an opinion we may have. But we have always followed a simple, unstated, principle between us: We never tell each other, “I told you so!” Which is, we may differ on approaches and views, but when we move forward, we are together in it. When a decision that one of us has taken misfires, we don’t display any one-upmanship or indulge in blame games. Now, that is a unique quality that we share as a couple. That’s how we have been able to face what Life has thrown at us. That’s how we have hung on to each other on this incredible roller-coaster ride that we are on.

A marriage often places an unnecessary full stop in a relationship

Vaani and I have both discovered that true companionship is about loving someone continuously. It goes beyond just providing and protecting. It is about being there, no matter what happens. It is about being non-judgmental. Therefore, to build and sustain a great, happy relationship, you don’t actually need a marriage as a social contract, you need companionship.

When people struggle in a relationship or in a marriage, I believe that they are essentially missing the companionship, that once was, between them. They may be in a relationship between them. But are they still relating to each other? When the relating is not there anymore, the relationship too is not relevant. It has perhaps been dead a long time ago!

That’s why people drift apart after falling in love and getting married because they have subconsciously compartmentalized their lives – one part that was before the marriage and the other part that is after the marriage. So, in essence, the event of a marriage places a full stop in a relationship. It pronounces the end of one phase of the relationship and begins another. This full stop is totally unnecessary.

Being happy being with each other

The truth about Life is that everything new, over time, will start seeming and feeling old. Also, how people look and how they – and others – feel about their physical appearance surely changes with age. With the passage of time, and thanks to the upheavals of everyday Life, romance does end up receiving lower priority. Every couple has to face this brutal reality. You see, the courtship is now over, and the marriage is done and dusted. That’s why people who fall in love, fall out of love too.

But what if you were to imagine that the marriage never took place? Won’t the loving be continuous then?

Life’s beauty lies in staying loving…in the present continuous, irrespective of the circumstances.

That’s the way Vaani and I treat our Life. We married to fulfil societal norms that were more pronounced back then. Period. But we haven’t settled for having fallen in love and married. In fact, we never see our marriage as a defining, epochal, event. Instead, we have let our companionship thrive. Our loving remains ongoing. And we both continue to rise in love. This is why we are happy being with each other!

Vaani and AVIS, December 2018.

The key to Happiness is to never let marriage place a full stop in your relating, your loving. Treat marriage as just another date in your courtship calendar. Then the journey together, no matter what the circumstances you both are faced with, will be a continuous, never-ending, celebration!

And the romance, well, will always remain fragrant!

Additional, relevant, links:

• Rise In Love  – a 2015-documentary, made by a young filmmaker Shalu C. While focusing on the journey of Vaani and AVIS, the film explores how love thrives in the face of adversity. Viewing time: 30.18 minutes.
• Fall Like A Rose Petal  – AVIS’ first book. It is the true story of AVIS’ and Vaani’s Life. It captures learnings from the excruciating, fascinating, Life-changing, experience – a crippling bankruptcy – that they are still going through.
• Click here to know more about the happynesswalas^TM, Vaani and AVIS.
• If you wish to seek Vaani’s and AVIS’ perspectives on a Life challenge you are faced with, please reach out here – Let’s Talk Happyness^TM!

What companionship actually is

Companionship is a miracle

On keeping the romance fragrant

The Rs.1k Wedding Invite And The Man Who Gave Away Most Of His Wealth

A pompous friend and the modest billionaire Azim Premji help reinforce a key guiding principle in Vaani and me – that the essence of responsible citizenship lies in trusteeship.

This past week, a friend reached out wanting to visit us to invite us to his daughter’s wedding. We requested him to avoid the formality and support our initiative to save paper. So we asked him to send the Invite over WhatsApp. But the gentleman and his wife insisted on coming home. When they handed over the Invite, printed on hot pink paper with gold letters in a ‘custom-designed’ font, our friend said: “Each invitation card has cost us Rs.1000 and surely WhatsApp would not have done justice to our effort. So, we decided to come personally…that way you can see how elaborately we have planned this wedding…it will be the grandest in our family for a long, long time…!”

Even as he made that statement – both verbally and through physically handing over that expensive invitation card – Vaani and I wondered, if each card cost a whopping Rs.1000, then how big, how fat and how wasteful will the actual wedding itself be?

Although Vaani and I don’t see it that way anymore, I concede that weddings are regarded as a socially relevant and important occasion by most families. But do they really need to be pompous events where everything is about outdoing someone else, showing off how much you have and investing in a vulgar, reckless, display of ego, wealth and status?

Thankfully, some of the younger folks we know are leading a change among their families and peers. A few weddings we have been invited to in the last couple of years have been zero-waste affairs; they were bootstrapped and done tastefully with no pomp, with only very close family and friends in attendance.

We believe weddings, if they must be done at all, must focus on making the experience memorable for everyone present while keeping the event a responsible celebration that emphasizes companionship and Happiness. And when everyone wills it so, weddings can certainly be carefully, meaningfully, curated on lower budgets; the money saved can be put to better use – for the couple to travel and see the world or set up a new home or to support a social cause that is seriously starved of resources.

I know it will be a long way before this view is embraced by the majority. But clearly a Rs.1000-a-piece wedding invitation card is avoidable. Surely, you can create beautiful Invites that can be e-mailed or sent over WhatsApp.

Interestingly, again this past week, we were invited to an event where Azim Premji of Wipro was given the Madras Management Association – Amalgamations Group Business Leadership Award for 2019.

Why does the incredibly simple, modest, Premji even need to be feted with an award? This was the thought uppermost on our mind when we arrived at the event.

Image Copyright with Original Creator/MMA

But former ICICI Bank Chairman N.Vaghul nailed the reasoning. He said that in a society where values like integrity and trusteeship are almost extinct, where there is a steady decline in responsible conduct of citizenship, the spotlight on Premji’s principled Life can really help showcase the continued relevance of these values. Through telling the story of his Life, of the world-class institutions he has built (in manufacturing, IT and education) and of how much he is giving away (estimated at close to $ 21 billion) to his charity – the Azim Premji Foundation – we are inviting future generations to pause, reflect and, hopefully, embrace his philosophy of trusteeship (which he says is inspired by Mahatma Gandhi).

Vaani and I took away a key learning from Premji’s acceptance speech. He said that there is only so much that a family can consume. The inference clearly is that whatever is available to a family beyond what they require to meet their basic needs may ideally be given away to support someone else’s need to live a dignified Life.

I didn’t miss the irony from the past week as I sat down early this morning to write this Blogpost. The reality of the world – and the times – we live in struck me hard. Surely there are more people around us who believe that making money and showing it all off is the Purpose of Life. They are like our friend  who vainly insists that even the invitation card to his daughter’s wedding must announce his wealth and social status. And, sadly, there are fewer people like Premji, who despite all their wealth, remain grounded and are invested in social good. Which is why I agree with Vaghul. Every time a Premji is celebrated, the message of intelligent living, of compassion, of giving, is celebrated. And given the circus of greed and one-upmanship that we see incessantly playing around us, this celebration of responsible citizenship is critical to inspire people; to invite them to consider living fuller, more meaningful, lives.

The idea of responsible citizenship is not about doing charity when you are asked to do it. I am sure most people out there have enough goodness in them to stand up and be counted when they are asked to contribute. So, that’s not the kind of reactive behavior that I am talking about. Responsible citizenship is about trusteeship.

 

Think of trusteeship like this. You are a trustee of the Life that’s been given to you. And you are a trustee of the planet that you inhabit. So be responsible with how you live and how you use the planet’s resources. Recognize that you need only so much to live and to support your immediate family. Beyond food, clothing, shelter, education, a reasonable healthcare and retirement plan and hi-speed internet connectivity through a smart device, whatever you have, whatever comes your way, give it away. Give, not because you have to give, not because you are asked to give, but give because you want to give. Recognize that just as this human form, this Life, is a gift, every thing, every resource that you acquire in this lifetime, is also given to you. So, be responsible by employing all that you receive for human good, to make the world a better place.

I too will lean on Gandhi to suggest employing a simple principle to make informed, intelligent, decisions when it comes to practising trusteeship (I have tweaked Gandhi’s original thought to make it relatable to our times): “Recall the face of the poorest – economically, emotionally, spiritually – person you have come across and ask yourself if the step you are about to take will benefit this person? Will this person gain from your making this choice? Will it help restore them to a Life of dignity, love and Happiness? If it will, go do what you are planning to do. If it won’t, well, rethink your choice!”

Apply this principle to my friend’s choice to splurge Rs.1000 on that wedding invitation card. Apply it to Premji’s choice to give away $ 21 billion. And apply it to each of your Life choices – from the past, from the present and to those that may come up in the future. And see how beautifully this principle leads you – every single time – to distinguish between want and need; and to do what is right than what appears to be right!

Companionship, not marriage, is what delivers happiness!

Living-in with a BFF trumps being unhappily married!

#MakeTheMostOfNow – Together!

Loving and relating, in the present continuous, are what make Life beautiful!

A young man asked me and Vaani this question yesterday, in the context of a relationship between two people: “What is the meaning of love?” I told him loving is more relevant than love. If you are loving, then you are relating to the other person. Loving is present continuous, it is flowing. If you fall in love, chances are you will fall out of it. But if you are loving, if you are relating to someone, you will keep rising in love.

Vaani is often asked how she continues to stand with me, walk with me, through this crisis-ridden phase of our Life. (Read more about this phase here: Fall Like A Rose Petal.) And she always replies saying, “The circumstances in our Life have changed over the last 30 years that AVIS and I have known each other. We had no money when we met, we then made money and then we have had no money for over a decade now again. While the circumstances have changed, while how we look physically has changed, how we look at each other has not changed. AVIS as a person is the same. His values are intact – just the same as they were. I continue to relate to him, so, I walk with him.” That’s really what loving is all about. And I am grateful Vaani’s loving me this way.

Life is a journey. And companionship makes it very special, very beautiful. I am not necessarily meaning a spouse here when I say companion. I mean anyone who you can relate to, who is loving, who is a soulmate. Of course, if that companion is your spouse, it is truly a blessing. When there is loving between two people, then the relationship really does not matter. And when two people are not loving, no matter what their relationship is, it is dead – there is no relating between them, you see!

Another couple I can think of to celebrate this idea of loving are Shanta and V.P.Dhananjayan, the dancers. In their mid-to-late 70s now, their companionship, of over 65 years on stage and over 50 years as a couple, is inspiring. They have grown up together, they have faced Life’s upheavals together, they have offered their art to the Universe together, they have taken Indian culture and dance to global audiences together – and they continue to rise in love. Over this IPL season, both of them have featured in Ogilvy & Mather’s Vodafone TV commercial series doing together many things that not many folks their age will really venture doing. The series has been aptly themed #MakeTheMostOfNow and shows them on a second honeymoon in Goa, riding a two-wheeler (wearing helmets – and that’s a wow!), paragliding, doing Facebook Live, and holding videoconferences with their extended family on their smartphones. (Watch the commercials here.)

Vaani and I believe that Life must be experienced to the fullest, through its highs and lows, through its upheavals and through all its magic, mysticism and beauty. You can do that only when you are loving, in the present continuous, and only when you #MakeTheMostOfNow – together!

You will not awaken until you don’t encounter the messiah in you

You have to bear your own cross in Life!

“What must I do when I want to help my son but he doesn’t want my advice,” asked a friend. His son is going through a difficult time in his marriage and is planning to separate. My friend wants to be there for him and hold him through this phase. But his son wants to be left alone.

What do you do when you know you can be useful, when you want to help, but someone doesn’t want you to get involved? Simple: you just leave them alone; you just send them positive energy; and if you believe in prayer, pray for them.

Each one of our Life designs go through unique upheavals. At different stages in Life, people want to handle their situations differently. Everyone who is going through a problem, believes they can handle it. Even if you think you can help them – because you have experience, because you have expertise – and if they don’t want your help, you must leave them alone.

Now, I know, if this is a friend who wants to be left alone, you are a lot more comfortable. But as in the case of my friend, if it is a child, if it is a parent or a sibling, how can you “not get involved”? This is where an intelligent choice must be exercised. When someone wants to be left alone, their privacy must be respected. Well, if they have shown signs of emotional fragility and you suspect they may harm themselves, then you can dive in and lead them. But if it is that they want to face their demons themselves and do it their way,  obviously you have no choice but to let them be.

What is important, and in a way non-negotiable about Life, is that each one has to bear their own cross. You can support, you can offer perspective, you can hand-hold, but you can’t live their Life for them. Not even for your own child. Such is Life. Such is the truth. Only when someone lives through their experiences do they emerge happier and stronger. Only through living the dark nights and in loneliness do you learn to appreciate the value of dawn, of happiness, of companionships and family. In a way, until each one encounters the messiah in them, they cannot – and will not – awaken!

Rise in love, than fall in and out of it!

Loving is present continuous, evolving, as it is flowing!

A young reader reached out to share her friend’s predicament. The friend’s boyfriend of a few years had suddenly declared, overnight, that he had “fallen out of love” with her. The two were considering marriage. The young lady is, naturally, heart broken. She is figuring out a way to deal with her situation. And I am sure there are countless people out there who are struggling with such break-ups.

Interestingly, in the specific context of the young lady’s boyfriend, I actually commend him for his clarity. He at least knows that he has fallen out of love with her. This makes it amply clear to the lady – and to all of us – that the problem is not with the lady, it is not with her boyfriend, it is not even with love, it is with the lack of loving. When there is no loving, there is no relating. And when there is no relating, where is the question of a friendship, a relationship, a marriage?

I come from an Osho school of thought. Osho always warned against this tendency to fall in love. He said that only because people fall in love do they even fall out of it! Instead, he championed rising in love. Think about it deeply – what he says is simple, yet profound! Which is why, in my Book, Fall Like A Rose Petal, I titled a chapter Rise In Love to share how the companionship between Vaani and me has thrived over the years. Here’s an excerpt (my Book is a collection of letters written to my two children Aashirwad and Aanchal; Mom here refers to their mom, Vaani!):

“…I want you both to understand the essence of companionship in Life, drawing upon how inspired I am by your Mom. Sooner than you both believe, you too will be in love. You too will meet and want to be with someone whom you want to spend the rest of your Life with. But remember, being in a relationship alone does not mean being in love. Being drawn to someone for their physical attributes is not being in love either. Being happy in someone’s presence is also not being in love completely. You are in love completely when you can be someone’s best friend and can have that best friend’s friendship forever. A best friend is a soul-mate. Someone who can help you see who you are, accept you for what you are and in the future may become one who does not shy away from speaking the truth; holding a mirror and critiquing – not criticizing – your actions and someone who is willing to walk with you to where neither of you has been before. A soul-mate is always understanding, demanding, forgiving, compassionate, teaching and uplifting.

“It is not difficult or too complex to be a soul-mate. You can be one too. Being a soul-mate requires one to know, understand and appreciate the meaning of Life. Life in your teens and early adulthood will be full of exploration. Especially of your sexuality. This is where you will find joy in kissing, feeling and, perhaps, in today’s generation, having sex. Please know that there’s nothing wrong with any of that. When you get past the physical dimension of love, you begin to see the value of wanting to spend a lifetime with that person. It’s a great feeling, full of anticipation. Of your own home, of your own children, of your own Life together; living, happily ever after.

“Now, almost everyone who falls in love first and then marries gets into that relationship with the same sentiments and expectations. Then, have you wondered, why do people break up? Why do marriages fail? It is because, relationships, as I have learned from Osho, the Master, signify the death of the same something, that precious feeling that inspired you, in the first place, called love. You love someone when you relate to that person. People fall out of love because in a marriage, while there is a law, a label, society, family, caste and religion – there is no more relating!

“I think what has worked for Mom and me is that we continue to relate to each other. Age, place, or circumstance, don’t seem to affect or pollute our precious, pristine shared space, where our love for each other continues to thrive. It is not something unique to us. We have just made our friendship, our way of relating to each other special…”

A young film-maker Shalu who read my Book decided to make a film and called it Rise in Love to showcase how love thrives in the face of adversity. Between my Book, and the film, a common thread you will see that keeps me and Vaani going is our loving. It is present continuous. It is a verb. It is not static, it evolves as it flows.

So, that brings me to the boyfriend’s choice. Of course, what he has told the lady will hurt her. It is a sure cause for a heart-break, a depression. But it is actually an opportunity to celebrate too. Celebrate that this is not the person that, over time, she would have been able to relate to anyway; so let him go! Celebrate also that the gentleman had the courtesy and courage to take an informed, evolved, decision, instead of two-timing her. This attitude, to look beyond the obvious, beyond the physicality of the situation, is crucial to intelligent living. Now that the lady is in the throes of a break-up, if she chooses to rise above the apparent heart-break, she will discover that a companion who will compliment her, complete her, no matter what the circumstances may be, is waiting for her! She just has to rise in love to find him!

Clearly, beyond what families want, beyond what society dictates, beyond marriage, lie loving and companionship. When you have found that truly loving companion, who will continue to be loving no matter what, you will have risen in love too!