Adieu, dear Krishna! Celebrating a #BlissCatcher!!

“It is a blessing to go away doing what you love doing!”

That’s what Vaani (the other happynesswala, my soulmate) had to say.  She was celebrating young Srikrishna Sivakumar’s Life and memory this morning.

The only way I can remember Krishna is as a #BlissCatcher – he simply followed his Bliss – filmmaking; he immersed himself in doing only what he loved doing, and he was absolutely unwavering and uncompromising, and deliriously happy, when he was doing it!

Vaani and I, like the rest of the world, woke up this morning to the horrifying news of the accident on the sets of Indian 2 (that happened late last evening) that claimed three lives. Among those who died, we soon shockingly discovered, was our dear #BlissCatcher, Krishna!

Picture Courtesy: Krishna’s FB Page

Krishna connected with me first in October 2016. He was making an ad film for a smart wallet on a really shoestring budget; he wanted me to play a ‘grumpy dad’ in the film. A mutual friend had referred me to him because she knew that it was on my bucket list to act in a film in my Life! Although I was a rookie, and this was to be my first film, Krishna dealt with me professionally and with a lot of dignity. He actually sent me the script over email and wanted me to decide if I was comfortable with the role. When it came to the fee, Krishna was forthright: he gave me an option to say no because he had no “serious budget” to offer me “a reasonable professional fee”. I liked his sense of integrity and his empathetic approach, that too, to a rank newcomer. I signed up!

I believe I am blessed I got an opportunity to work with Krishna. That too on my first film, even if it was only for a 73-second online commercial! His soulmate Amitha produced the film for their Red Canvas Productions. We shot for a full day. And I saw what a deep, intense, committed professional Krishna was. His sense of diligence and discipline and his quest for perfection amazed me. I was the oldest person on the set and Krishna, having perhaps heard that I am quiet a stickler for time, went out of the way to make sure I that I was never kept waiting for my shots. I tried reasoning with him that I was only a debutant and I kept telling him that I was very willing to be led, but he always ended each of his directions with a standard, “Is that okay, Sir? Are you comfortable, Sir?” I must confess that he made a huge difference to making me feel comfortable on my first shoot. I started the day having that nervous sense deep within me, I was not sure I could emote in front of a camera, I was not even sure if I was made for this medium…but Krishna put me at great ease. There was a rare empathy in him, even as he drove a bunch of us, his actors, to give him what he was looking for. Besides, Krishna and Amitha complemented each other beautifully, making the entire process of shooting that day a warm, memorable, experience for me.

#BlissCatcher Krishna; Picture Credit: Vinodh Velayudhan

Some months later, Vaani and I discovered that although Krishna had tried being “chamathu” and had gone to engineering school, every day of the four years there had acutely reminded him that “engineering was not happening for him”. He was very clear: to him, Happiness = making films!  Over coffee with him and Amitha at Starbucks one afternoon in late 2017, we explored Krishna’s journey for our popular Conversation Series, #BlissCatchers. We learnt that, after engineering school, Krishna seized a serendipitous opportunity to be on the legendary Kamal Haasan’s team as an apprentice assistant director. Those one-and-a-half years with the man changed Krishna’s Life! Krishna always believed that he was a forever student of a “University called Kamal Haasan” and that he  would always be a “nobody” in the field of cinema! That explains why he was very grounded and humble to a fault. Yet he had this seeking spirit and was totally uncompromising and unwavering in his love for his art. After working as an assistant on a few feature films (including Vishwaroopam I & II), he and Amitha set up Red Canvas Productions making ad and corporate films. I still remember him telling us this: “Life isn’t easy but it is fun…so much fun that I have never thought of going back to being an engineer, not even once!” And on the #BlissCatchers Conversation in June 2018, he told me: “I enjoy the process of filmmaking. It not about whether it is a feature film or any other film, it the process of making films that I love.”

AVIS, Flute Jayanth, Krishna in Conversation on #BlissCatchers; Picture Credit: Vinodh Velayudhan

My last interaction with Krishna was on WhatsApp in August 2019. We were bringing up the 50^th Edition of #BlissCatchers that month and I had pinged him to invite him and Amitha for the event. Krishna said he was shooting overseas. I asked him if it was his own feature film that he was directing. He replied saying that he was only an assistant director on that film. I told him that Vaani and I looked forward to the day when he would make his own independent film and that “we would do whistle-podu” for a first-day-first-show for that film! He thanked me profusely and said he was grateful for our love and for our faith in his abilities.

The “suchness” of Life is that Krishna never got to make that independent feature film.

Even so, his Life and memory calls for celebration. Simply because, he had the courage to follow his Bliss. He lived a short, meaningful, happy Life, doing only what he loved doing. And, as Vaani pointed out this morning, he went away following his Bliss, as a student of the University that he truly believed he belonged to, and with Kamal Hassan on the sets when he passed on!

Krishna’s short Life, as you will further glean from the #BlissCatchers Conversation I had with him, reminds us that we must never postpone our Happiness. We must not feed our insecurities, our fears, our worries. Instead, invest your time, attention, energy and resources only in your Happiness, in what makes you truly come alive. Remember, this is the only Life you have!

(Vaani and I send our prayers to Amitha and the family, and to the families of the others who lost their lives in the Indian 2 accident.)

Note: AVIS and Vaani are the happynesswalas. They believe their Life’s Purpose is Inspiring ‘Happyness’! They are going through a fascinating, Life-changing experience – a crippling bankruptcy!!! Look them up here: www.avisviswanathan.in and www.avinitiatives.co.in.

Celebrate a Life than mourn its passing…

Inspirations for a simple, happy, purposeful Life…

Here’s why I relate to Girish Karnad’s approach to living – and why I celebrate the beauty and simplicity of his final journey!

 

While I definitely believe that there is a Higher Energy that nurtures all forms of creation, I don’t believe in the popular notion of God as a form/source outside of us, that is cloaked in the (unnecessary, avoidable) garb of religion! The Higher Energy I worship is Life itself – who I regard as my Teacher, which is the source for my very ‘being’ in the first place, and which is far more intelligent and compassionate than all its creations! This Higher Energy may be inscrutable alright, but that it exists is undeniable!

 

That’s perhaps why I find Girish Karnad’s outlook inspiring – his views on Life, God, religion and rituals mirror Vaani‘s and mine. To live a simple, happy, purposeful Life, we have realized, we certainly don’t need the three crutches that we are conditioned by family/society to cling on to – the popular notion of God, religion and rituals!

 

I believe there were no priests and rituals for Karnad’s final journey – just readings from his works! So amazing, so beautiful!

 

This excerpt from an article in today’s ‘Mint’ relevantly explores Karnad’s inspiration to live – and die – without frills!

 

Also, what you find below is a prayer I wrote to Life on my mobile phone in December 2007, when we were in the throes of darkness – the realization that we were bankrupt had just hit us and we were totally clueless on where to begin and what to do!

Ever since, I meditate on this prayer daily, surrendering to Life’s flow…

PS: Girish Karnad passed away on Monday, June 10, 2019.

Why not celebrate the Life of the dead than just mourn them?

Don’t squander the gift of this lifetime!

Don’t fear death

Living without Dad

What could have been never was. It simply never was. So, why grieve over it?

The last time I met my father was on Saturday, 6^th April, 2019. Vaani was with me. My mother was by his side, as always. All four of us had a meaningful conversation – an absolute rarity, a miracle! When we got up to leave, I reached out and gave him a hug. As I stepped back from the bed on which he was seated, my father gave me a flying kiss – it was part kiss and part blessing.

That moment with him will stay with me forever.

He passed away on Monday, 15^th April, 2019, nine days after we had visited him.

You see, we are not a family that normally hugs or kisses when we meet. So, what I did to my dad and his parting gesture are special in their own way.

Although we live in the same city, we had not met as a family in over 14 years now. The environment in the family too has been fractious for the longest time. I can’t recollect ever relating to my mother. More recently, I have been unable to relate to my siblings either. Besides, my choice to borrow from the family to fix my now bankrupt Firm, and their imagining that Vaani and I have cheated them, and our inability to repay that money, hasn’t helped matters at all. (Read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal.). Sadly, every conversation that has been attempted among all of us in the past has been derailed by machinations and misunderstandings, so no one even tries to have a conversation anymore!

But, ironically, what did not happen in these past several years, happened with my father’s passing. We three siblings, and our spouses, got together under the same roof, for the first time since 2005! I guess we are many, many, conversations away from relating to each other again, from repairing the tattered fabric of our family’s identity, but for the first time, there was dignity and peace in the way we all conducted ourselves. Seeing off our father was as poignant and peaceful as it was painful.

My spiritual evolution has turned me away from religion and rituals. So, even as I mechanically went about the process of cremating my father, I could not but be reflective. The entire day’s proceedings held a magic and beauty of their own – humbling me, grounding me and steeling me.

To be sure, all the strife in my family has been over social positioning (over ‘what will people say?’) and over clinging on to material security – both of which have led to an absolute lack of trust and transparency. My dad, Vaani and I, have been mere pawns in a mindless game that was continuously being played on us. There has been so much avoidable turmoil, trauma and grief that everyone has been subjected to. Yet, as my Dad’s body lay there, his face radiated an unmatchable calm, a serenity that only divinity can deliver. I haven’t stopped wondering since about that inscrutable irony!

As my brother and I drove to the cremation ground, with our father’s body, we did not utter a word to each other. I did notice that he was crying inconsolably. I let him be. And I allowed these immortal lines by Kannadasan to comfort me as they wafted through my consciousness…

ஆடிய ஆட்டமென்ன?
பேசிய வார்த்தை என்ன?
தேடிய செல்வமென்ன?

திரண்டதோர் சுற்றம் என்ன?

கூடுவிட்டு ஆவிபோனால் கூடவே வருவதென்ன…?

வீடுவரை உறவு
வீதி வரை மனைவி
காடு வரை பிள்ளை
கடைசி வரை யாரோ?

(The lyrics are from an iconic song from ‘Paadha Kanikkai’/1962/T.M.Soundararajan/Viswanathan-Ramamoorthy.)

Kannadasan so powerfully, so lucidly, through these lyrics, talks about the futility of the ‘drama’ we make out of our lives…because, in the end, he reminds us, you go alone, with no one – and nothing – with you…

(When you were alive….) all the games you played, all the words you spoke, all the materialistic things/wealth you accumulated, all those relatives/people who surrounded you…(all of these don’t matter….) once your soul leaves your body, what – or who – is it that comes with you?

So, why all this ‘drama’, wonders the poet?

As the hungry flames in the crematorium’s gas-fired chamber devoured my father’s body, I just had this to tell him: “Thank you Daddy for everything. And I am sorry!”

That’s all I had to say. Not that it matters now.

Then my fickle human mind, for a brief few seconds, pined for what could have been. If only things had turned around for Vaani and me and we had repaid the monetary debt back to the family, and he had seen our resurgence, and we had redeemed ourselves with the family, before he went away – Life would have been so much more different. Just that thought broke me. I cried quietly as I kneeled down in surrender to a Higher Energy! In that moment of surrender, an awakening, empowering, liberating thought arose within me: “What is the point in thinking about what could have been? What could have been never was. It simply never was. So, why grieve over it?” And I let my grief go…I just let it go…

Later that evening, as we walked on the beach to immerse my father’s mortal remains in the Bay of Bengal, I felt magic and beauty again in the moment. I was carrying the earthen pot that contained his ashes. Here was my Dad, I thought, and I was carrying him like I would carry a baby. I felt a deep sense of gratitude and love for his Life. I felt love for his music (he was a great Carnatic singer, who never quite followed his bliss; listen to a YouTube rendering of Nagumo by him here). I felt grateful for his enormous, unshakeable, trust in me and Vaani. I felt admiration for his boundless resilience – to have seen so much happen around him and yet choosing to remain unmoved for the most part.

My Dad: A.Kasi Viswanathan 7th July 1939 ~ 15th April 2019

In that reflective moment, I realized, his Life’s design was its message. For what it was, the way it was. I now understand that some parts and aspects of our Life may never attain closure the way we wish for them or envision them. They may happen surely but only the way Life wants them to happen. So, Life is just a continuum. No beginning. No end. You just go with the flow. It is there one moment. And it is gone in the next!

Just then, a huge wave came crashing at us, and my brother and I let go of the pot that held my father’s ashes. It vanished in the vast cacophonous ocean. Boom! It was gone. I tried to see if I could find the pot bobbing up somewhere. No…it was gone!

That night, I decided to have a drink. And I leaned on R.D.Burman to soothe me. Interestingly, the first song on my playlist celebrated the suchness of Life. Anand Bakshi’s lyrics seemed like they were written specially for me, for that evening…

ज़िन्दगी के सफ़र में गुज़र जाते हैं जो मकाम
वो फिर नहीं आते, वो फिर नहीं आते

कुछ लोग एक रोज़ जो बिछड़ जाते हैं
वो हजारों के आने से मिलते नहीं
उम्र भर चाहे कोई पुकारा करे उनका नाम
वो फिर नहीं आते, वो फिर नहीं आते

(The lyrics are from a classic song from ‘Aap Ki Kasam’/1974/Kishore Kumar/R D Burman.)

Anand Bakshi’s poetry is powerful: Life’s moments are fleeting, they never come back; some people who leave you don’t come back too, no matter how many times you call out their name!

Estranged as were for many years now, and ever since I started a new Life with Vaani in 1989, I have been living away from my Dad, of course. But from now on, living without him, will mean something very, very different.