Skip to content

The AVIS Viswanathan Blog

the happynesswala – "Inspiring 'Happyness'", Sharing Life Lessons from Lived Experiences! Inspired Speaker, Life Coach and Author of "Fall Like A Rose Petal"!

  • About AVIS
The AVIS Viswanathan Blog

Tag: Debilitating

Never allow the ‘fear of rejection’ to pin you down

When what you have to say or offer or ask for is rejected, remember, you are not being rejected!

An interesting conversation with an acquaintance brought up the subject of ‘fear of rejection’. She said that deep within her she was having trouble with reaching out for help or perspective or opportunity because she was never sure how she can handle a ‘no’. Now, she isn’t alone in feeling this way. A lot of the people, a lot of the times, struggle with the ‘fear of rejection’.

I too have feared, and disliked, being rejected.

I have come to understand ‘fear of rejection’ as the sum of two things – ‘fear’ and ‘dislike for rejection’. Clearly fear is a feeling within you. You fear something. Darkness. Uncertainty. Or even a pet – like I feel extremely uncomfortable in the presence of dogs. But fear can be overcome by facing it, by looking it in the eye. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is what fear delivers when you look what scares you, your fear, in the eye. So, in every sense, when you fear something, you do have the power within you to face the fear too. Try this: whatever you fear most in your Life, turn around, instead of running away from it or brushing the issue under the carpet, and face it – and believe me, your fear will dissolve. The situation may not change, but you will not fear it any more. Whether it is breaking off in a relationship or asking for a raise from your boss or whatever. ‘Rejection’, on the other hand, is not in your control. Someone else is rejecting you. What can you do about it? It is their prerogative to accept you or reject you. You only have a choice to influence their decision. You can’t enforce their decision – ever. So, ‘rejection’, to me, is a way to learn to accept Life for what it is. And it is always what it is. Yes, when you are rejected, you do dislike it – who doesn’t? But if you understand that your disliking it is not going to change any reality, you will let the dislike go and instead focus on what more can you do, what can you do next to be accepted.

avis-viswanathan-learn-to-be-non-judgmental-about-being-rejected

Among the most difficult things to ask for in Life, according to me, is money. And unfortunately, for almost 5 years of my Life between 2002~2007, and on some occasions in the past decade, I have had to ask people for money. It was extremely humiliating in the beginning and the ‘fear of rejection’ gnawed at me so, so many times. But when I realized that I had to do what I had to in the given situation, of having to survive, and keep our family afloat, I faced my fear and asked people. I was humbled by many who came forth and have supported me and Vaani. But my requests have also been rejected by people. In fact, even as I asked people for money, I gave them the option to say ‘no’ saying that I will never misunderstand if they said they can’t support me or Vaani at that time. This is how I learnt to be non-judgmental about being rejected. To say ‘no’ is anyone’s prerogative – including yours – in a given context. And I learnt that we should never hold it against anyone for choosing to say ‘no’. This experience, humbling and awakening at the same time, has helped me deal with many other contexts with equanimity – rejection when a prospective client either does not award an engagement or does not even respond to emails/messages despite showing a keen interest upfront, rejection by a creditor of the evidence we place before them of our enduring bankrupt situation, rejection by a judicial authority of our pleas for more time to honor our commitments and several other instances. So, over the past 10 years, I have learnt to deal with ‘fear of rejection’ as follows:

  1. Stop running away from whatever you fear. Face what you fear, look it in the eye!
  2. When someone rejects you or says ‘no’ or implies that they are not interested, don’t be judgmental. Respect their choice to reject you, your offering or proposition. Remember: they are saying no to your proposition, your idea, your pitch, they are not saying no to you!
  3. Don’t dislike the situation when you are rejected. Instead ask yourself what you can do to be accepted. Try again. And again. And stay willing to keep trying.

Both ‘fear’ and ‘dislike for rejection’ are debilitating. Don’t let them pin you down. Face what you fear and accept the situation every time your proposition is rejected. You too can then experience equanimity and be happy despite the circumstances!  

PS: If you liked this blogpost, please share it to help spread the learning it carries!

Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 20, 2016October 20, 2016Categories Fear, UncategorizedTags Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS Viswanathan, Courage, Courage is not the absence of Fear, Debilitating, Facing Fear, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Fear, Fear of Failure, Fear of Rejection, Happiness, Happiness Curator, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Judgmental, Life, Life Coach, Non-Judgemental, Rejection, Truth, Uncategorized, VaaniLeave a comment on Never allow the ‘fear of rejection’ to pin you down

More on why, when and how to “walk away” and the art of “non-suffering”

Don’t allow anything – or anyone – to make you suffer.  

My blogpost of yesterday, and a similar point I made in another post from last week, that dealt with “walking away” from a confrontational or a debilitating situation, has elicited more queries from some readers. One felt that it is important for us to try and convince others of our point of view – while giving them airtime to voice their own. Another opined that “walking away” is a sign of weakness, that if we disagree with someone, we must have the “courage” to face them and debate the issue. Yet another wondered if not enjoining in a debate served any purpose at all – “what is the point of having a view if you can’t share it; perhaps someone will benefit from it, won’t someone’s view of Life change if you can convince them?”

So, let me use this opportunity today to further share my understanding and learnings here on why, when and how to “walk away”.

Your Inner Peace Is Your ResponsibilityThere are two kinds of people in the world. One who are mature, open-minded, constructive and non-combative. The other kind are those who are closed to others’ views and who are rabid to the point of being controlling and hostile. The first kind are simple to deal with. You can share whatever you feel like with them. And you can choose to disagree with them. They will debate only the issue and never get either personal or rabid with you. The second category, even if they are have a strong argument, do not know how to present it constructively, without affecting the dignity of the others concerned with the issue. They make every discussion a debate and every debate eventually ends up being a slugfest. It is this category of people that we must avoid wasting our time – and energy – on. It is from them that I advise walking away. Because, if they are going to disturb your inner peace, make you restive, anxious, angry and agitated, then it is not worth engaging with them at all. Bottomline: your inner peace is your responsibility – protect it, because nobody else ever will.

Therapists and counsellors advise a process called constructive confrontation in matters where people have divergent views. It is a very healthy method that allows both parties – let us say people in a divorce situation – to have an opportunity to present their views without being emotional about it, to listen to the other point of view, agree to agree or agree to disagree, and amicably settle matters or move on. But what do you do when the other party is unwilling or is simply incapable of being constructive? Why would you waste your emotions, your energy and a precious chunk of your lifetime on unproductive confrontations? It is in these contexts that “walking away” is a practical and intelligent response.

Of course, as it always turns out, not just people, sometimes even situations can be very debilitating. Now, when I say, “walk away”, I am not saying give up at the slightest sign of a challenge. I am only saying if you are suffering with something, with someone, in something, please don’t suffer, choose to walk away. Take my own case here. I have been, with Vaani, battling an enduring bankruptcy. But we refuse to give up. We face it every single day. It is very, very painful. Yet we are not walking away. And we are not suffering either. So, if you can deal with a tough situation or a hostile, abrasive or controlling individual, without suffering, by all means hang in there and keep plowing on. But if you are suffering, if your inner peace is disturbed, then remember, you do have an option to just walk away.

The key here is to be non-suffering. This is an art that can be learnt over time. I have learnt this too, the hard way though, and believe now that the best way to win any battle is not to fight at all. It is on this principle that Mahatma Gandhi based, and so successfully executed, our Independence movement way back in the early 1900s. He called it ahimsa. To be sure, ahimsa is not non-violence – it is the complete absence of violence even in thought. His famous line was: “I don’t hate the English. I hate the way the English rule my country.” So, in effect, “walking away” really means choosing to not suffer, by getting away from the source of negativity or debilitation, yet refusing to run away from the issue, facing it and taking it head-on. Like most spiritual concepts this is downright simple, easy to hold and practice. But if you analyze it and try to intellectually dissect it, you will never understand its value or soak in its essence. The best way to see how – and if – it works is to let go and let it work!

Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on June 22, 2016June 22, 2016Categories UncategorizedTags 1947, Ahimsa, Anger, Anxiety, Art of Living, AVIS Viswanathan, Constructive Confrontation, Controlling, Courage, Cowardice, Debilitating, English, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Hostility, Independent India, Indian Independence, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Just Walk Away, Let Go, M.K.Gandhi, Mahatma Gandhi, Non-Violence, Osho, Pain, Quit India Movement, Rabid, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Uncategorized, Zen1 Comment on More on why, when and how to “walk away” and the art of “non-suffering”
Follow The AVIS Viswanathan Blog on WordPress.com

Advisory & Disclaimer

1. The author, AVIS, shares Life lessons here that he has gleaned from his lived experiences. AVIS has nothing against or for any religion. If the reader has a learning to share, they are most welcome. If the reader makes a communal or inflammatory or derogatory comment, or presents a view which may affect the sentiments of other followers/readers, then this Blog’s administrators may have to regrettably delete such a comment and even block such a follower. 2. The lived experiences shared here and the learnings gleaned from them are unique and personal to AVIS. The copyright for all original content here, that has been written/created by AVIS, belongs to AVIS Viswanathan. Important, AVIS has no interest in either infringing upon or claiming copyright of any referenced material published on this Blog. The images/videos used on this Blog, that are not created by AVIS, are purely for illustrative purposes. They belong to their original owners/creators. The author does not intend profiting from them nor is there any covert claim to copyright any of them.

Recent Posts

  • Trust. And you will never be led astray!
  • Learn to be happy with yourself
  • Each experience is making you better!
  • Keep flowing with Life
  • The power of being happy!

Archives

  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012

Categories

  • Acceptance
  • Art of Living
  • AVIS on Happyness
  • AVIS on Leadership
  • Awareness
  • Celebrate Life
  • Companionship
  • Compassion
  • Contentment
  • Courage
  • Crisis
  • Death
  • Detachment
  • Divinity
  • Ego
  • Enlightenment
  • Equanimity
  • Face Life
  • Failure
  • Faith
  • Fall Like A Rose Petal
  • Fear
  • Fearlessness
  • Follow your Bliss
  • Forgiveness
  • Gandhi
  • Go with the Flow
  • God
  • Godliness
  • Grace
  • Gratitude
  • Grief
  • Guilt
  • Guilty
  • Happiness
  • Help Yourself to Happiness
  • Humility
  • Impermanence
  • Inner Peace
  • Insecurity
  • Integrity of Purpose
  • Intelligent Living
  • Joy
  • Let Go
  • Life
  • Life Lessons
  • Live in the moment
  • Living in the Now
  • Living in the Present
  • Love
  • Mindfulness
  • Miracles
  • Mouna
  • Move On
  • Non-frustrated
  • Non-Suffering
  • Non-worrying
  • Osho
  • Pain
  • Parenting
  • Patience
  • Pause & Reflect
  • Peace
  • Prayer
  • Purpose
  • Relationships
  • Religion
  • Resilience
  • Responsible Citizenship
  • Rise In Love
  • Sad
  • Sadness
  • Shirdi Sai Baba
  • Silence
  • Silence Periods
  • Spirituality
  • Success
  • Suffering
  • Surrender
  • Swami Sathya Sai Baba
  • The AVIS Viswanathan Podcast
  • The Bliss Catchers
  • the happynesswala
  • Uncategorized
  • Uncertainty
  • Unhappiness
  • Why Me?
  • Why?
  • Worry
  • Zen
  • About AVIS
The AVIS Viswanathan Blog Create a website or blog at WordPress.com
  • Follow Following
    • The AVIS Viswanathan Blog
    • Join 628 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • The AVIS Viswanathan Blog
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...