What Sridevi’s death teaches us about Life

Life hai…kuch bhi ho sakta hai! – It’s Life…anything can happen!

Like almost everyone else, Vaani and I too are still coming to terms with Sridevi’s sudden, tragic, death. We have been reading up every possible – credible – piece of information that has had a fresh perspective to share on what exactly happened to her.

And then, a couple of days ago, we came across this Blogpost by Bollywood trade analyst Komal Nahta, who is believed to be a close friend of Boney Kapoor and Sridevi. If we go by Nahta’s account of what happened in the final couple of hours of Sridevi’s Life, it appears that even as Boney Kapoor was surfing TV channels in the living room of their suite at the Jumeirah Emirates Tower Hotel, waiting for Sridevi to get ready and join him; so they could go out for dinner, Sridevi was drowning in a bathtub – in the suite’s master bedroom, barely a few feet away from him! And he could do nothing, nothing at all, to save her.

I read and re-read Nahta’s Blogpost. Only to conclude that everything about Sridevi’s death is so unreal, so bizarre. What are the chances someone can drown in a bathtub, in one of the most premium (and therefore considered safe) hotels in the world? What are the chances that a loving, doting, caring husband, can be completely oblivious of his wife drowning, even as the tragedy happened, especially when he was within shouting distance of his wife? What are the chances that you say you will “freshen up and come” and actually die in that time – in under 15 minutes – by drowning in a bathtub?

But such is Life. It is so totally, totally, inscrutable. I am reminded of Indeevar’s deeply contemplative lyrics from that iconic song in Safar (1970) rendered in Kishoreda’s immortal voice (music: Kalyanji Anandji)…“zindagi ka safar…koi samjha nahin, koi jaana nahin…” . Life is indeed totally, totally, inscrutable. And this morning, I read this equally bizarre story of this man, literally, waking up from the dead! It made me conclude, yet again, that anything, absolutely anything, can happen in Life!

The more I go through Life, the more I experience it, the one indisputable truth that strikes me repeatedly is this – no matter who you are, you have to go through what you have to go through. You just cannot negotiate with Life over your Life’s design. As I see it, in Life, it is always what it is. You have to bear your cross. And you have to live through the design that Life has planned for you. In fact, as it appears to me, Life’s Masterplan has no flaws!

Consider the late Sridevi’s Life again – her design took her from obscure Meenampatti in Tamil Nadu and made her a pan-Indian screen diva; then the same design forced her into near oblivion, after she married Boney Kapoor and they had Janhavi and Khushi, for 15 years from 1997~2012; the design then brought her to centerstage again with English Vinglish (2012) and Mom (2017) and, posthumously, the same design ensured she was feted, in memoriam, on the Oscar stage this past Sunday! And yet, despite all her greatness, her fame, her glory, this legendary star drowned, helpless, in a five-star hotel’s bathtub? Well, clearly, that’s how her Life’s design willed her story to end!

I have realized that our material success – particularly our ability to earn an income using our talent and skills – makes us believe that we control our Life. The truth is that we never were, we are not and we will never be in control. Life is always in control. It keeps on happening per its inscrutable, unique, design for each of us. It often takes a crisis, an event that defies all logic and cocks a snoot at our problem-solving abilities, or death, to shake us awake from our stupor and remind us that it is not us, but Life which is in control. When we realize this, we too learn to be accepting of the Life we have and learn to go with the flow.

There are no two ways with Life. It is only what it is. You are always playing only with the cards that Life has dealt you. And then, when your time here is up, when your name is called, you stop your game mid-way, even if it is in the middle of a bath, and leave! So, approaching Life with humility and a sense of amazement are perhaps the best way to live it well. Humility, because Life is the Higher Energy (which is why I always spell Life with a capital ‘L’) that powers everything in the Universe; and amazement, because you never know what hand you are going to be dealt next! After all, Life hai…kuch bhi ho sakta hai!

Befikr, Bejijhak, Bindaaz!!!

Live Life without worry, without doubt, with total abandon!

Amitabh Bachchan and Sri Devi: English Vinglish, 2012

Yesterday I watched English Vinglish (2012, Gauri Shinde, Sri Devi) one more time. I simply love Amitabh Bachchan’s cameo and how he encourages Sri Devi’s character Shashi to enjoy her first visit to the United States of America – ‘befikr, bejijhak, bindaaz’ – without worry, without doubt and with total abandon!

I believe these three attributes apply to Life too!

Most of us are tentative about Life! We seem to be keen on getting our economic resources in place before we enjoy the Life that we have. Resultantly, we find one excuse or the other to postpone living – to pursue what will give us joy. My classmate from college tells me that someday he “hopes” to do what he loves doing. He says his primary task now is to get himself out of a job which he loathes and find himself one that secures his monthly income. “I am full or worry, fear and insecurity,” he concedes. Another friend is “worried” that his son, who’s in 12^th grade, is inclined to pursue literature and art, than take up science, in which he is brilliant. “I have no problem with literature or art except that he can’t earn well enough from careers in those fields. I am worried for my boy,” my friend laments. Someone else, who’s a self-confessed millionaire, does not want to set up a gaming studio because he doesn’t want to raise cash for it by liquidating his real estate assets. Another is stuck in a horrible, complicated, marriage but does not want to step out of it because there’s too much “property and assets involved.” To be sure, these are not isolated cases. Each of us has an insecurity issue – primarily concerning finances or relationships or sometimes both. These insecurities are consuming us. They are chewing us up from within. So, we are never living Life freely. Every key Life decision of ours is subject to certain conditions being fulfilled. So, no decision really gets made. And we stumble along through Life – incomplete and unhappy in our own unique ways.

All scriptures point to the ever-changing landscape of Life. Besides, from our own experience we must know that Life is not something static. It is like a river – ever flowing. So, to seek security in an ever-changing scenario, particularly through something as impermanent and perishable as money – or assets – is futile. Yet, we all seek security from just those same factors. All the time. And that’s why we miss out on living. We merely exist. Earning a living, alright, but never actually, really living!

To live fully we must stop seeking insurance from Life. When there can be no insurance against death, which is both the ultimate and the inevitable, why worry about Life? When we seek security, primarily through economic considerations, we are choosing to limit our living potential. We are living on the periphery. We are then living tentatively – so, we don’t enjoy ourselves fully.

It’s another Monday morning! And the season’s energy is simply awesome. Celebrate this energy by choosing to be befikr– without worry, bejijhak – without doubt and bindaaz – with total abandon today! And see how ‘abundant’ you feel despiteyour circumstances!

Someone to walk into the sunset with…..

A marriage can be continuously exciting and romantic if the couple in it are relating to each other than merely being obsessed with ‘maintaining’ the relationship.

Yesterday I was watching this beautiful Hindi movie ‘English Vinglish’ (2012, Gauri Shinde, starring Sri Devi). At the end of the movie, Shashi, the housewife played so admirably by Sri Devi, talks about marriage and how it can be nurtured and kept relevant despite the pulls and pressures of everyday Life. I can’t agree with her more.

When you strip away all the frills and the individual or societal expectations, what you are left with is the friendship of two people who come together and decide to live, learn and walk together through Life. True friendship is really about being yourself and allowing the other person to simple be too. Actually you don’t need the label of a marriage to certify or consummate a friendship. We don’t do it in the normal course, with other friendships we may have struck with people from either sex. So, why does it become so complicated, ever so often, in a marriage? The answer lies in the contractual nature of the relationship itself – as defined and practised by society today. While no scripture or tradition prescribes this contractual arrangement, society, over centuries and generations, has ended up, in the garb of pronouncing marriage to be a ‘sacred institution’, turning marriage into a business contract. You give me this. And I give you this in return. If you are this way, then I promise to be this way. A marriage, in its simplest definition, has ended up being nothing but a conditional acceptance of their affairs between two people. Great friendships, however, are never conditional – they thrive on mutual understanding, respect, brutal honesty and compassion. As long as two people can be this way, relating to each other, despite the circumstances, their friendship will survive, grow and glow. Truly, in such cases, you don’t need a certificate, a label or any protection or safety net – legal or social. Of course, it is quite possible that sometimes, friendships grow through a marriage. So, it is not to be concluded that the institution is itself losing credibility.

I guess the moot point then is – how can two people try to continue to relate to each other without really worrying about the relationship?

This, from my own personal experience, and what I have learned observing couples over the years, is possible when the ‘relating’ is continuous. Life is a long journey. Couples experience at least 35+ years of togetherness in a normal lifespan. Now this togetherness can be a beautiful friendship or just a ‘co-existential’ drama enacted for both self and society. That is they “legally live-in together” but don’t connect, don’t relate at all. When relating is continuous – there are no terms, no conditions, no impositions. There’s an expectant air about everything. Pretty much like the early weeks of two people getting to know each other. Waiting for the appointed meeting hour. Letting go. Giving space to each other. Disagreeing at times. But agreeing to disagree. There’s nothing predictable nor taken-for-granted. Then, when everything’s fresh, despite the years of being together, then, the relating is continuous. Conversely, when the relating is continuous, the romance is still new and fresh.

Of course, Life’s design will challenge the greatest friendships. But only those that are built on the foundations of mutual respect and compassion__what I call relating__survive these challenges. Whatever label we give this friendship, I for one believe that walking hand-in-hand with someone you can relate to is the greatest gift you can have in Life. If you have that gift, celebrate and be grateful. If you don’t then stop kidding yourself. Have the courage to accept that while you may be in relationship called marriage, there’s no relating in it anymore. At least stop grieving, stop wishing your Life were different and stop complaining about your spouse. You are as much responsible for the non-relating in your relationship as your spouse is. And remember, you still have an option – if you still want to, you can go find that friend who’s out there waiting for you, and who can walk with you into the sunset!