When authenticity and a quiet, rare, courage shone!

You are unlikely to find the perfect Life that you want. Even so, you can live fully with what you have, with what you have been given. And you do that by looking Life squarely in the eye, by facing it and by accepting what is, by learning to be happy despite the circumstances.

Young model and designer in the AR/VR space, Ranjani Ramakrishnan, who is just 21, has learnt this precious Life lesson early on in Life.

Ranjani was diagnosed with vitiligo – a Life-long condition where the skin loses color in blotches – when she was barely 11. She grappled with shame, the “why me” question and a lot of insecurity for several years. Then, when in college, she “made peace with her imperfections” and modelled for a Visual Communications assignment! That decision changed her Life! Today she “embraces Life’s adventures fearlessly”, even as she champions “acceptance” and “living fully with what is”!

Last evening, she was our guest on the happyness conversations – a live, reflective, non-commercial Conversation Series that Vaani and I curate and anchor. This Series explores the lived experiences of invited guests, it inspires people to be happy despite their circumstances! While celebrating imperfection and impermanence, it invites people to embrace their Life for the way it is and implores them to never postpone Happiness!  The underlying theme of the Series is that Life can, and must be, faced stoically – no matter what you are going through!  This Series is sponsored and hosted by the Odyssey Bookstore in Chennai.

It was a full house in yesterday’s Edition of this Series despite the rains and more inclement weather forecast for the night. And all those who attended the Event loved the way Ranjani’s lived experience helped them glean key Life lessons.

Her authenticity and her quiet, rare, courage shone. Here are some profound perspectives she shared:

• “It is very liberating when you let go of your fears,” she said, referring to her first photoshoot as a model, when she was in her first year in college. This photoshoot was significant – the decision to do it had come after several years of trying to cover up her patches, of crying herself to sleep, of asking her mom, “why me?”.
• “I have made peace with looking at myself in the mirror,” she told us stocially in the context of acceptance and moving on.
• “But I am still tired of answering random people who come up to me wanting to know why my skin looks different or when they have unsolicited advice to give me. So, I am a bit wary of going into unknown environments and meeting people.” she confessed, adding, “I have, however, for the most part, learnt to take Life as it comes and find Happiness in the company of family and friends who love me, who value me.”

This ability to take “Life as it comes” is a blessing. This wisdom can only come from having experienced pain and from understanding the power of acceptance. This is what makes Ranjani special. As Vaani pointed out, Ranjani, literally, does wear her vulnerability on her sleeve. This is also why her outlook to Life is invaluable, unputdownable and inspiring.

Vaani & AVIS in conversation with Ranjani; Pic: Vinodh Velayudhan

Consider this: How many people can gracefully accept their unique condition, particularly one that affects how they look? How many of them can actually come out and talk about it? How many will be able to expunge all the bitterness, grief, frustration and anger – at having been dealt an unfair hand by Life – and truly move on?

To me, and Vaani, Ranjani embodies the spirit of being happy despite the circumstances in the way she carries herself and expresses herself. This was evident in the Conversation last evening – she showcased with her simple, genuine, replies to our questions, by sharing her feelings authentically, that she is not the vitiligo that she has. “Vitiligo is only the condition that she has.” She is Ranjani – she is beautiful, confident, forthright and authentic!

Rajani Ramakrishnan: beautiful, confident, forthright & authentic! Pic: Vinodh Velayudhan

Sample her take on what kind of modeling assignments she is looking for: “I love modeling. But I want people to invite me to shoots where I am a model who incidentally has vitiligo and not because I am good to be used as a vitiligo model.”

That’s amazing clarity and an awakening profundity from a 21-year-old!

Which is why, in closing, I leaned on my favorite, the 13^th Century Persian poet Rumi: “What hurts you blesses you; your darkness is your candle!…Don’t run away from your grief, o’ soul, look for the remedy in the pain!…”

Pain is not a monster out to annihilate you as is popularly believed. Pain is a great teacher. While you can’t avoid pain, it teaches you, through your acceptance of any Life situation, that suffering is optional; that there is a lot of Life during and after a crisis. Indeed, acceptance of a painful situation is its only remedy.

Which is what Ranjani has done. She has accepted who she is, the way she is. Which is why she has been able to understand the art of living. She knows that living is always in the “present continuous” – not in the past, not in the future, but in the here, in the now, with “what is”; she knows that living is in thriving, in being happy despite the circumstances!

Note: AVIS and Vaani are the happynesswalas. They believe their Life’s Purpose is Inspiring ‘Happyness’! They are going through a fascinating Life-changing experience – a crippling bankruptcy!! Look them up here: www.avisviswanathan.in and www.avinitiatives.co.in.

‘Manmarziyaan’ invites us to pause, reflect, accept, transform and move on…

Intelligent living is all about each one doing their manmarziyaan and finding their own paths – and discovering themselves – in the process.

Manmarziyaan is a must watch. It is a very important film. It purposefully drives the crucial theme of the irrelevance of the institution of marriage while making a beautiful case for explorations and experiences, for companionship, for honest conversations and for relating between two people for their relationship to thrive.

No, I am not going to exactly review the film here from a cinematic point of view. As a story, as a creative effort, it is what it is. Even so, I am delighted that Anurag Kashyap made it this way – for it does allow for us, as a society, to glean perspectives for simpler, intelligent, living!

What is interesting about the story is that Kashyap’s principal characters – the Baggas, the Bhatias and the Sandhus, and Kakaji – are all real; they are all around us. Yet, in Kashyap’s world they demonstrate a higher degree of maturity, they are willing to give each other space and time; they showcase how society should really be – mature, letting everyone just be!

I love it that Kashyap’s Rumi dares to enjoy, celebrate and explore an experience with Vicky. I love it that she sees beyond the physicality of her relationship with him, that she demands something “more” from him. I love it that Vicky is dreamy, demonstrative, obsessive, romantic and yet clueless about what he wants from Life or what he can give Rumi, besides himself! I love it that she is angry enough – as people normally will be – when he dithers for the nth time and chooses to finally, finally, walk out on him and goes on to “merely please” her family. I love it that she still pines for Vicky’s presence in her Life and that she goes on to fulfil that craving even though she has married Robbie. I love it that Robbie, even though he struggles with the “uniqueness” of Rumi’s daring nature, allows Rumi the time and space to make a choice only because he truly loves her. I love it that no one – not the Baggas, not the Bhatias, not the Sandhus – judges Rumi just because she has had this explosive, open, in-the-face affair with Vicky, even when he is commitment-phobic and even when things don’t work out “well” for her – either with Vicky or with Robbie and their marriage! I love it that Rumi and Robbie decide to annul their marriage without any acrimony – and, in fact, it is only because of their choice to be this way do they open up to each other. Their long walk is a metaphor for how relating between two people really happens – it comes only from being brutally honest, consistently, over time. I so love it that Rumi and Robbie finally come together without a social framework – a.k.a marriage – governing them; without their families obsessing over them; without Rumi being crucified or having to atone for the way she once was.

Now, this is the way a mature society must be – people must just do what each one thinks must be done at a given point in time; speaking their mind; letting people around them be and allowing Life, people and events to sort themselves out! Intelligent living is all about each one doing their manmarziyaan and finding their own paths – and discovering themselves – in the process.

So, to me, Manmarziyaan is an invitation to us as a society to pause, reflect, accept, transform and move on. Let’s begin by understanding and accepting that marriage need not be central to the idea of a family. So, please, let us stop obsessing over getting our children married off the moment they become adults. Let us appreciate that once they are adults, our children have every right to explore varied experiences – physically, emotionally – and with companions whose presence they enjoy. And for heaven’s sake, neither is being virgin a virtue, nor is having sex a sin! Of course, since we raise our children with humanitarian values, we must also trust them that they will make mature, responsible choices. Over time, as they get to know each other better, it is perfectly alright too for two people to want very different things from each other or from Life. In which case, it is just as fine for them to move on. So, as you can see, marriage is neither necessary nor essential for bringing or keeping two people together. For them to continue being with each other, they must relate to each other, they must celebrate each other’s presence and they must complete each other. This can happen only when they are seeing each other, not just physically but figuratively too, naked – with no masks, no social veils, no agendas. When two people can relate to each other, they don’t need any social acceptance or approvals, then they are truly loving – this is not love; this is loving – in the present continuous! They then don’t need the framework of a marriage, they don’t need the crutch of religion or rituals, they just are happy in each other’s presence, no matter what the circumstances are.

Only such a union truly celebrates the essence of what the 13^th Century Persian poet Rumi famously said about loving: “Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

Of “hygge” and embracing each moment for what it is!

To appreciate the magic and beauty of Life, you need to be mindful.

Someone pinged me the other day and asked me if I know anyone who practises “hygge”. I replied saying while I don’t really know anyone who practises “hygge”, I do know of the concept. It is an integral part of Danish and Norwegian culture and philosophy.

“Hygge” (pronounced ‘hue-guh’) can mean anything from coziness to well-being. Some say the word originates from the word hug, which itself comes from the 1560s Norse word ‘hugga’ or ‘hugge’, which means ‘to embrace’. So “hygge” is about embracing your situation or circumstances and to live in the moment. But the best way to understand the concept is to appreciate it as a feeling – it is the ability to recognize and enjoy the present moment, in its fullness, without judging it, without resenting it, by just being, just celebrating the moment for what it is, as it is.

So, in essence, “hygge” is total mindfulness.

Vaani and I practise this all the time. To be sure, mindfulness didn’t come to me naturally. When we went out for walks together, Vaani would often notice and celebrate Life around us. She would hear a cuckoo even amidst the noise and bustle of a crowded street. Or she would point to a flower in a someone’s garden and reminisce about how her father had introduced the botanical species to her and her twin sister. Vaani has this innate ability to pause and, metaphorically, smell the roses. I never ever did that – until a decade ago. I obsessed instead over my to-do lists, my inbox stuff, my business, my targets, my worries and my insecurities. And then, despite all our years of toil to build our consulting Firm and all our valiant efforts to prevent its eventual downfall, we went bankrupt! That’s when I woke up – and awakened! I realized the folly of leading Life the way I was living it. The bankruptcy, which we are still enduring – for over a decade now – has changed my Life completely. Most importantly, it has taught me why being in the moment and celebrating it is very valuable.

I recall an anecdote here, from the early days of our bankruptcy, that I have also shared in my Book, ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’. It forms the opening of the first chapter – Of Living In the Moment – in the Book.

On the morning of March 17^th, 2008, I woke up to realize that we had just ₹1000 with us. This was all the money we had left as a family. No assets, no savings in the bank, nothing. Just ₹1000. We were bankrupt as a Firm and insolvent as a family. Survival seemed impossible. Yet, Vaani gave me ₹500 of the cash left with us as I pulled on my jacket to leave for Mumbai at 4 AM to meet a potential client.

The client, a well-meaning and professional CEO, had arranged for my tickets, though he need not have. As I boarded the flight to Mumbai and fastened my seat belt, I was informed by the flight attendant that I had been upgraded to Business Class – perks of being the frequent-flier that I was, until business slowed down! The irony hit me hard as we got airborne. 50% of our net worth as a family was sitting in my wallet. The remaining 50 % was with Vaani! And I was sure, at that moment, that Vaani would have been as nervous as I was about the fate of the client meeting. The only reason I clung on to hope was, as I asked myself – why would a client fly me out, at his cost, if he was not serious about the engagement? Yet, even as my mind raced to worry, I tried to hold it still to attend to the beautiful morning sky. It was a magnificent sunrise over Chennai that day, one of the most humbling sights you can be blessed with if you have a East-facing window seat when the flight takes off. It made me realize how small I was – and how insignificant my problems were – on the scale of the grand, cosmic, design that powers the Universe. I drank in the beauty of that sunrise – a feeling that is still fresh inside me. In some time, my worries dissolved and I had become peaceful. It was in that equanimous frame of mind that I arrived in Mumbai…(To know what happened next and how the client meeting went, please read my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal.)

That feeling of equanimity I experienced on the flight, despite all my worries, fears and my challenged circumstances, that feeling is “hygge” – and it comes from mindfulness!

This is what I have learnt from Life. I have learnt that Life happens to us at its own pace, of its own accord and design, despite our best intentions, plans and efforts. So, it is always what it is. And what will be, will be. You can’t solve your problems overnight. So, don’t postpone happiness. Postpone worrying instead. And embrace the moment. Learn to live with what it is. Through my daily practice of mouna – silence periods – I have trained my mind to be non-worrying, non-frustrated and non-suffering. This, Vaani and I know, from our own experience, is the secret of being happy despite the circumstances.

Now, you may wonder, how can you embrace a moment that you dislike; one that you never invited into your Life, but which has arrived? This is why being non-judgmental is critical to practise mindfulness. Think about it. What is the point in resenting what is – what has already happened, what has already arrived? It is only your resenting that causes all your suffering. Instead, accept your Life for what it is. No matter how hopeless a situation may be, how dark the road ahead may be, each day brings with it a fresh flavor of magic, beauty, hope and positivity. But to appreciate this beauty of Life, you need to be mindful.

As I see it, mindfulness is the ability to drink in each moment, without judging it, without questioning it, without hating it but simply savor it for what it is. No one could have said this better than Rumi: “Be aware of the pure wine being poured, don’t complain that you have been given a dirty cup!” This is what “hygge”, as a concept, reminds us to do – in every living moment of ours!

On living intelligently

How about ‘inventing your covfefe’?

You are confident when you simply are who you love being.

A young man came to meet me some days ago. He confessed that he has low self-esteem. And that, he said, was forcing him to be tentative in almost all situations. Often this tentativeness was translating into insecurity and fear. He wanted to know how he could be more confident of himself.

The only way to be confident of yourself is to not bother about what people have to say. Simple. If there’s something you have to do, go do it. When you do something, when you present yourself to the world, naturally, there will be several opinions that will be thrown up about you and what you have to say or do. If you fear those opinions, you will be tentative, therefore, you will lack confidence. Over time, this tentativeness will cripple you. You will become phobic – not wanting to express yourself freely and fearing judgment all the time.

The way to deal with such a situation is to first understand Life. The fact is that you are created special – you are gifted and talented in your own unique way. And this lifetime is really an opportunity to express that talent. When you don’t express yourself freely, you are not living fully. You are living an incomplete Life. This incompleteness, this lack of fulfilment is what manifests itself as a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Some people, like the young man I met, are acutely aware of this state; most people blunder along not knowing they are even living incomplete lives.

The way to regain self-confidence is to go do what gives you joy! Only doing what you love doing, only expressing yourself fully, freely, without inhibitions, can give you joy. And when you are truly happy, from within, then you are really not concerned about what people have to say about you. So, in essence, self-confidence lies in just being who you are. When you are the way you love being, without a care about what people think or people say, you can only be happy, you can only be confident.

Have you heard the birds sing? They sing without a care about whether anyone hears them sing or what they think. They sing because they want to sing. They sing to express themselves. The birds don’t have a self-esteem or self-confidence problem. Surely, we humans can learn from those humble birds?

Or, without appearing to trivialize the discourse, if you want to learn from another human, learn from Trump. When he tweeted ‘covfefe’, he surely didn’t bother about public opinion. He simply expressed himself. He still doesn’t care what people think of him and the word he invented! Perhaps, ‘inventing your covfefe’ can be a metaphor for being yourself and being confident!?

 

Inspirations from rain and Rumi on a hot, challenging day!

In today’s Vlog, I reflect on a tough, hot day that I have been dealing with…I talk about the miracle of a brief spell of rain in the midst of blistering heat…and I lean on two couplets by my favorite poet Jalaluddin Rumi for hope and inspiration! Viewing time: 2:47 minutes

How not to complain about the dirty cup and enjoy the pure wine instead

Worrying serves no purpose; postponing worrying helps immensely though!

Yesterday, I found my equilibrium disturbed by a few irksome operational situations. This was in addition to the drama that Google’s actions had whipped up in my Life. And as if what we were dealing with was not enough, a new crisis arrived in our midst by mid-morning. The last thing we need right now is this new crisis, seriously! To add to the chaos, this crisis comes with a deadline – it has to be resolved within a short timeframe, else…well…it is looking like it will snowball into something bigger – grave and unwieldy!

By mid-afternoon, I decided to get myself some quiet time at my desk. I find it absolutely necessary to remain silent for some spells – at least one – daily. I use this time to pause, reflect – and importantly to postpone worry!

In my silence period, I make a list of all the stuff that worries me – and I have enough and more to worry about, just like you have – and bucket them into two lists. Stuff that I can act on and resolve over time. And stuff that I can’t resolve. Those that I can work on and solve, I convince myself that I need not worry about them. And those that I can’t solve myself, I convince myself again, that I must not worry about them either. This is how, methodically, practically, logically, I postpone worrying on a daily basis.

If you think about it, worrying serves no purpose; because no problem, however big or small it may be, has ever been solved by worrying about it! The biggest benefit of postponing worry is that you are available to the now – and are present in the moment. No past. No future. Which means no grief, anger or guilt over what has happened – the past. And no fear, anxiety or worry over what may happen – the future. No past. No future. You are just present in the moment.

In the present moment there is just beauty. There is complete magic.

Taking a break from all that I was doing and grappling with, I looked outside my window. Several jackfruit hung from the tree in our building’s backyard. They looked so beautiful. A few squirrels scampered up and down. And in the distance, a train blew its horn as it pulled out of the station. For a while I stayed immersed in what I was seeing and hearing.

When I returned to attend to my notes on my desk, I was a lot more anchored. I felt very good. Important, I wasn’t obsessing with my worries that were gnawing at my feet. The worries were there. And I was there too. But I wasn’t picking up any of those worries. My thoughts instead went to Jalauddin Rumi, the 13th Century Persian poet, my favorite, who has said this of Life: “Be aware of the pure wine being poured. Don’t complain that you have been handed a dirty cup!”

You too can train yourself to postpone worrying if you choose to bucket them into the categories of those that you can resolve and those that you can’t resolve. When you do this, you realize the futility of worrying. When you learn to be non-worrying, you can only be in the present. Then the dirty cup doesn’t matter – only the pure wine does!