Loneliness is an integral part of the suchness of Life

So, don’t hate it. Embrace it, celebrate it!

In response to my Blogpost yesterday, on what I took away from K.S.Narendran’s book – “Life After MH370”,   a reader wrote to me saying he could relate to Naren’s sense of loss and loneliness. The reader, who is 60+, is estranged from his wife and his children are too busy with their own lives. He wrote, “I feel lonely and I feel isolated.” “How does one deal with being left behind, and with loneliness, when the world chooses to move on,” he asked.

That’s a very important question.

As I write this Blogpost, our daughter is preparing to leave for her Master’s Program overseas. Our son has been living abroad for over 9 years now. So, Vaani and I are getting to be empty nesters. I don’t think any amount of perspective is sufficient to deal with separations. When it happens, when the time comes, you do get weighed down by it. But if you are aware, if you understand what Life is all about, you simply learn to accept it and move on in your own way. And that’s what Vaani and I are learning to do.

It may appear that dealing with children going away to live their lives and dealing with a permanent loss or separation are two different things. But a sense of loneliness, of being left behind, is perhaps the same – no matter what the context.

I have realized that whoever we are and however closely we relate to our immediate circle of influence, we must prepare ourselves to experience loneliness. The nature of Life is such that people will come and go out of our lives. Whoever is in your Life will soon, some day, be out of it. While some people will stay temporarily and leave, some of them will stay for long and leave after making a significant impact on your Life. And some departures and separations may also well be permanent. Such is Life. There is no escaping this reality.

Intelligent living requires that we accept this suchness, this truth, about Life. This acceptance may not quiet help us avoid the pain of separation or help us escape the tyranny of loneliness, but it definitely will help us cope better. I remember this beautiful song Na Jaane Kyun from Choti Si Baat (1976, Basu Chatterjee, Vidya Sinha, Amol Palekar, Lata Mangeshkar, Yogesh, Salil Chaudhury) which talks of the pangs of separation poetically! But although the mind will protest and make it difficult for you to accept your “new normal” and move on, it is only acceptance that can aid in the process, that can heal you, that can help deal with the void in your Life. So when you feel lonely, accept that feeling unquestioningly. Also be understanding of your world, of the people around you – don’t complain if they get busy and leave you alone; they have their own lives to live!

Anything that you fight, anything that you resist, will persist. So, don’t fight your sense of loneliness. Embrace it and appreciate it as a non-negotiable reality. When you respect this reality you will realize the futility of clinging on to your past. If someone is dead, so it is. If someone’s left you, so it is. By clinging on to what is over, to however close the relationship may have been, you are only inviting unhappiness and suffering into your Life. So don’t wish that what is true about your Life is not true. The truth can never be untrue just because you don’t like it. Accept what is, feel your pain, feel your sense of loss, feel your loneliness, and also examine the futility of consistently, continuously, feeling this way. The moment you understand its futility, your loneliness will dissolve.

Bottomline: you came here alone and you will go alone from here. Your loneliness is an integral part of the suchness of Life. So, don’t hate it. Embrace it, celebrate it!

What I take away from a fellow voyager’s book – “Life After MH370”

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to face Life. Over time, you figure out your own way!

I just finished K.S.Narendran’s book “Life After MH370 – Journeying Through A Void”! Naren’s wife of 25 years, Chandrika Sharma, was on that flight.

Vaani and I had not known Naren until MH370 happened. Like most of the world, we knew of Naren only through the tragedy. It was our mutual friend Melissa’s Facebook post, in the aftermath of MH370’s disappearance, that pointed to a possibility of connecting with Naren. From what Melissa’s post revealed, Chandrika and Naren had met at the Tata Institute of Social Sciences and had started their journey in Life together from there. Having met Vaani, similarly, in college, I could relate to that sense of finding love in your Life…but I must confess I could not relate to what could have been Naren’s pain at that time, in the early days of hope while the world searched for the plane. Initially, all I wanted to do at that time, was to just reach out to the man and give him a hug.

I keenly followed the MH370 story in the media. I wrote a few Blogposts (“Life is a taste” – Simply taste what is!! , “Inspirations from a fellow voyager’s fortitude” and “A lesson in fortitude and gratitude from our dear friend Naren” ) as well sharing how I felt about Naren’s and his daughter Meghna’s sense of loss.

My own Book Fall Like A Rose Petal  was being readied for a launch around this time in August 2014. I reached out to Naren – sending him a long-distance hug and requesting him to receive the first copy of my Book. Vaani and I were clear that my Book was not to have a typical celebrity-led, ribbon-opening, launch. We were keen to invite fellow voyagers like us, who were facing Life stoically, to launch my Book. Naren responded warmly. He cited his travel schedules clashing with my Book’s launch date and so he politely declined my invitation.

Vaani and I met Naren personally much, much later. Almost 6 months later. I will come to that in a bit.

Reading “Life After MH370”, I was able to relive with Naren, the days, weeks and months following the tragedy. Naren writes with honesty, baring his innermost feelings, yet he does not sensationalize his grief. This book is not an intellectual or literary expression either. It is also not a tome to pain, grief and suffering. It is a walk-through of Naren’s mind, of his soul, of his minutes and hours, post-MH370, of how he dealt with – and is dealing with – Life after Chandrika. As I journeyed through Naren’s void, I could feel his pain, his anger, his helplessness, his cluelessness, his love for Meghna, his struggle to cope personally with the fact that Chandrika will not return…I could feel his loneliness as much as I could feel his awakening to accept his “new normal”.

There’s a paragraph in the book where Naren shares how he helped Meghna understand their new reality. As I read it, I felt that Naren was both pragmatic and sagacious at the same time. For the same reasons, Naren’s been able to treat this book with a simplicity that is rare to find. It is straight from him to you, the reader. As you read it, you are forced to suspend all social and literary judgment. You just feel what a human being feels when journeying through a void that Life has suddenly sprung on him and his family.

Naren diligently, without getting acerbic at any point, presents the hollowness of the global, multi-national, search effort for the plane. His detailed examination of what-could-have-been-done by Malaysia, by Malaysia Airlines, by the Indian Government, and other governments, and what-eventually-happened is very logical. Reading all his reasoning – which reflected the voice of almost all families who had lost their loved ones on MH370 – I came away with a better understanding of the times we live in. Life moves on for sure, but surely, the world moves on faster. “Life After MH370” perhaps ever-so-gently reminds us, who are avaricious consumers of global media newsbreaks, that there’s a lot, lot more to a news-story after it is taken off the channels and the front pages.

Vaani and I took our first email exchange forward with Naren and we met for coffee sometime in end-2015 at Chamiers Café in Chennai. Over the last several months we have become good friends. I invited him to be my guest on The Uncommon Leader Series that I curate for the Madras Management Association. He weighed the invitation carefully and consented that he was coming just for a conversation with me and that he neither was an uncommon leader nor did he have any wisdom to offer. Here is the entire 90-minute conversation. (Do make time and watch it. I can assure you that it will definitely be worth your effort!)

“Life After MH370”, to me, is an important book. It doesn’t preach. It doesn’t suggest. It doesn’t showcase. Naren simply tells us what he has felt and is feeling, what he has been through and is going through. And that’s how the book makes a very significant contribution to you, the reader – it tells you that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to face Life. You just face it. Whatever happens, experience it. When Life deals you a tragic blow, don’t resist it. Go through the experience. You will struggle, you will stumble, you will grope in the dark, you will be pinned down by hopelessness…but go through it. Because such is Life. There is no other way. And by doing all that, over time, you arrive, at your own pace, at the point of accepting the Life you have, you awaken to your own way of moving on with what is.

A lesson in fortitude and gratitude from our dear friend Naren

Life Hai, Kuch Bhi Ho Sakta Hai!

We didn’t know of K.S.Narendran until Malaysia Airlines flight MH 370 went missing on March 8th, 2014. Naren’s wife of 25 years, Chandrika, was on that flight. Vaani and I reached out to Naren and found him to be very warm, very gracious, even as he was stoic. Over the last 33 months, Naren has had to come to terms with the enormous, new reality he is faced with; he has had to pick up the threads of his own Life while helping their daughter Meghna cope, accept and move on. What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

This morning I found this post on Naren’s Facebook wall. Read on…

It is now 1000 days since MH370 last took to the skies.
I did not imagine that in today’s satellite surveilled world, a large plane with hundreds of people could just vanish.
I did not imagine that we will be searching six kilometres under the ocean for an aircraft that was flying ten kilometres up in the sky.
I did not imagine that we would know so little about its whereabouts after so many days.
I did not imagine that bits and pieces of the plane would reach waters and seashores thousands of miles away from where the last goodbye was heard.
I did not imagine that so few debris would be recovered after this long a wait.
I did not imagine that some day I would write “No debris today” and feel relieved.
I did not imagine that it would be the same status update for most days since that day in early 2014.
I did not imagine that a search will continue only where the plane is believed to have gone down, and not in parts where the parts and pieces of it show up.
I did not imagine that it was possible to be so cavalier in handling affected families.
I did not imagine that rich nations of G-something or the other will cavil about allocations for search and investigation.
I did not imagine that we would be arguing about my dollar or yours when it could be your life or mine the next time.
I did not imagine that we would make a trip to pick the pieces when we trusted our governments to do this on our behalf.
I did not imagine that we would have love and support from thousands for whom our loss has been theirs.
I did not imagine that a ‘Thank You’ to all would seem so inadequate, yet it is the best there is to give.

In sharing his deepest feelings, Naren holds out a lesson in fortitude and gratitude to all of us.

In May this year, I had the opportunity and privilege to be in conversation with Naren at the event series I curate for Madras Management Association (MMA) titled “The Uncommon Leader”. Naren told me then that he is neither an ‘uncommon leader’ nor has he any wisdom to share. But if you listen to this 80-minute conversation  I had with him, you will understand how invaluable reflection and acceptance are in situations when we are dealing with disruptive change and when we must demonstrate personal leadership.

As we rush through our lives, often trying to obsess over its material aspects, we miss the opportunity to invest our precious moments in all that which matters most to us. Occasionally, a Life-changing event shows up, either in our own lives, or through the lives of others, which reminds us that this is an ephemeral Life – anything, absolutely anything, can happen at any time to anyone!

Take away what you find relevant from my blogpost today, but please do pause to send Naren, Meghna, and all those beautiful families a long distance hug and all your love!
PS: If you liked this blogpost, please share it to help spread the learning it carries!

Inspirations from a fellow voyager’s fortitude

To remain centered in the face of uncertainty is the only option you have to avoid suffering. Either you suffer asking why something’s happening to you, wanting to understand what your Life is all about, or you just let go and anchor within.  

           

CNN.com has run a story on the husband of one of the passengers aboard the missing flight MH 370. The story, by Moni Basu, talks of the fortitude and feelings of K.S.Narendran, whose wife Chandrika Sharma was traveling to Mongolia on MH 370, and his daughter Meghna. Narendran has shared a personal note he wrote to his family and friends with CNN. I reproduce here some excerpts from Narendran’s poignant note – reading it we can gain a meaningful insight to dealing with uncertainty.

Narendran writes:

Chandrika, Meghna, Narendran Picture Courtesy: CNN.com/K.S.Narendran

“… It only brings to the fore how little we actually know, how vulnerable we are, and the things we take for granted about people, places and things…As individuals, we can do very little. We wait patiently. With every passing day and each fragment of information that comes in, we revise the narrative strung together, and articulate the new set of perplexing and urgent questions that inevitably come up…I remain focused on what we have at hand by way of information, and stay with the knowledge that Chandrika is strong and courageous, that her goodness must count for something, somewhere. I carry firmly the faith that the forces of Life are eternal, immutable and ever present to keep the drama ever moving. In the ultimate analysis, I am neither favored nor deserted. No one is…As family, we are not given to histrionics/theatrics. We suffer, we agonize, we tether on the edge, but seldom allow ourselves to be overwhelmed. I don’t say this with any sense of self-congratulation or offer it as recommendation. I am merely saying this for those who know us from a distance or fleetingly…”

Narendran told Basu that he has drawn strength from his recent experience with Vipassana, an ancient technique of meditation in India. Vipassana means to see things as they really are. The essential message of transience and impermanence has lent perspective, he said. The practice of being in the “present,” however difficult, he said, has helped him manage “the menace of an overworked imagination.”

I can completely relate to every word and sentiment expressed by Narendran. My wife and I go through these feelings every single day. As we have been doing for several years now. What started off as a business situation, a bankruptcy, 10 years ago has morphed into an inconclusive, inscrutable, unfathomable personal drama over the last 20 months. Without work and without cash, we too hang precipitously from the edge. But we have learnt not to suffer and we have learnt to be happy despiteour circumstances. However absurd and irrelevant this may sound in a material sense, this learning has been the greatest wealth that our bankruptcy has unwittingly created for us.  

Living with uncertainty was never easy. And it still is difficult. But I have realized that suffering comes only from not accepting what is. Through our experience, I have understood that the nature of Life is uncertainty. It was always this way. Even when our business flourished and we were able to buy all the things that money could buy, it was uncertain. But I did not see either the beauty or the uncertain nature of Life then. I thought my leadership was causing all our success. So, when the business failed and the money stopped flowing, I suffered. Suffering can cripple and incapacitate you – totally. I suffered for months and years until I understood that while pain in Life is inevitable, suffering is pointless – and optional. I haven’t tried Vipassana – but completely agree with its concept of seeing things as they really are. Mouna, practicing silence periods daily, helped me see what is and taught me to live in the moment. Mounamagically set me free – from the tyranny of the past and the anxiety of the future. I have experienced the value that anchoring within brings to Life. It definitely, to quote Narendran, helps keeps the mind from whipping up “the menace of an overworked imagination”.

In Zen, they emphasize that you to learn the art of remaining untouched. They say that a Zen Master is one who can walk through a stream without the water touching him. It doesn’t mean he will not get wet. But he will remain “untouched” within. Swami Vivekananda (1863~1902) says this so beautifully, so powerfully: “Live in the midst of the battle of Life. Anyone can keep calm in a cave or when asleep. Stand in the whirl and madness of action and reach the center. If you have found the center, you cannot be moved.”

From my experience I know this to be true – and possible.

“Life is a Taste!” – Simply taste what is!!!

Deal with hope judiciously. It’s good to have it but don’t cling on to it. Just let it be. And you simply be too.  

Picture Courtesy: Internet/Twitter

This morning’s papers carried stories of how Chandrika Sharma’s family in Chennai is coping with the lack of information or even a clue of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH 370 that went missing over the weekend. Sharma was on that flight, going to Ulan Bator in Mongolia, via Kuala Lumpur and Beijing, to attend a conference. Her husband K.S.Narendran and daughter Meghna shared their sense of despair, amidst diminishing hope, with the media yesterday. ‘The New Indian Express’journalist, out of some really-hard-to-fathom, cold logic, asked Narendran if he still “nursed a small amount of hope that his wife is alive”. ‘TNIE’ reports that Narendran, in response to the question, “glanced away, turned his wrist around and smiled wryly”. And the story concludes with this rather poignant line: “Whatever else dies, hope never will, he (Narendran) seemed to say.”

The situation that the father-daughter duo find themselves in is indeed difficult to even imagine. But often times Life will bring you to the edge of such a precipice. When even to hope will be a hopeless thing to do. Yet hope is all you will have in such moments. Understanding how to deal with and handle hope then can be immensely helpful.

What must be understood first is that hope is always about a future which is yet to arrive. And Life is always happening only in the present moment. In the now. So, anything which is not real or true, which is not from the present, has the potential to cause agony and suffering. Not only because the thing or event that you hope for has not happened yet, but because you will agonize wondering whether it will happen at all or not.

Osho, the Master, in one of his discourses, has talked of a signage that some of his followers had put up at Rajneeshpuram, his ashram at Oregon in the United States. The signage, quoting a significant line from Dante Alighieri’s (1265~1321, the Florentine poet) ‘The Divine Comedy’, read: “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here”. Osho urged his followers to abandon hope too, abandon seeking the unborn future, drop the dead past, and start living in the present moment rejoicing in the small things of Life. He famously said: “Meaning is a mind thing. Life is a Taste!” What he meant was this: all of us, based on our own individual Life experiences, try to make meaning out of everything that happens to us – why is something happening to me, why should it happen now, what will I do with this Life in the future, where does this leave me, how will I cope, will I survive…and, on and on, the questions seeking meaning keep arising in you and in me. Osho says it’s futile to ask these questions. He says Life is a taste. He asks, in his inimitable, thought-provoking, unputdownable way: “Do you ever think what meaning taste has? Eating spaghetti, do you ask what meaning the taste has? Having a beautiful shower, feeling the freshness of it, have you ever asked what the meaning of freshness is? Looking at the sunset with so many colors spread all over the horizon, have you asked what meaning the sunset has?”

My inference is that when we try to reason and seek meaning from Life’s events, we will never be successful. Hope, in a way, is about reasoning and seeking to create meaning out of a Life situation. This does not mean that you must not have hope. Or that you must not want to be hopeful. Just don’t cling on to it. Anything that you cling on to, hold on to, will cause your suffering. Instead, just be.  

So, if you are in situations like the one that Narendran and Meghna find themselves in, when even hoping seems futile and yet you can’t abandon hope, remember Osho’s advice: “Life is a Taste!” Simply taste what is. And go on to the next moment, the next tasting session! Don’t try to search for Life’s meaning. Don’t yearn for an unborn future. Life’s a unique experience that is born and dies, anew, each moment. Live in and for the moment. You will never suffer then because nothing else will matter.

PS: My heart goes out to Narendran and Meghna, and to all families of those who are missing in the MH 370 episode. I pray that Life shows them all the light and the way…