Sorry, but Taimur Ali Khan Pataudi alone has the right to protest his name!

Ever thought of it? What if we lived in a world where people had no names?

I am appalled that a lot of Indians are crying hoarse about Bollywood stars Kareena Kapoor Khan and Saif Ail Khan naming their new born son Taimur. To comment on someone’s name is sad and intrusive enough; to hold a discourse on how people should name their children and give the entire story a communal twist is pathetic. It is both insensitive and totally avoidable.

The couple appears to have named their son so because in Arabic Taimur means “iron”. But people on social media are trolling the couple and, worse, some are alluding to the fact that the Khans don’t have a right to call their child Taimur because his name reminds Indians of the barbarbic Mongol conqueror who, when invading India in the 14^th century, massacred several thousand Indians, almost all of them, allegedly, Hindus.

To me, this episode smacks of a holier-than-thou attitude. It is a case of poor social etiquette. Why are we, as a people, are always interested in the affairs of others? What right do we have to opine on the right of parents to call their child what they want? If the name is culturally a misfit, then the consequence of their choice rests with the parents and the child. If anyone at all must protest his name, it is Taimur Ali Khan Pataudi. And at barely a day old, he’s incapable just yet of either defending his name or heeding society’s sage counsel. Isn’t it petty then that we rubbish a new born who can’t yet speak for himself? So, please, let us leave him and his parents to enjoy each other. And let’s not offer an opinion just because we have access to a smartphone and a social media handle!

I also don’t believe in this theory that people must live up to what their names stand for. That’s asking for too much from people. Let people just be. And let names just be too.

A name is a name. Having a name one way or the other doesn’t change who you are. On a spiritual plane, a name is just an id. If you didn’t have a name, you won’t have a means of being identified among the 7.5 billion people that inhabit the world. In fact, should the whole world choose to go nameless, much of the problems we as humanity face today will be gone! There won’t be a need for religions and nationalities. We will just be one, united world. To be sure, no other species on the planet has names – or, consequentially, religions and nationalities. If we can borrow from Life around us, we too can be a great people that live and thrive with each other, namelessly, without religions and without passports!

I wish this were true. But alas, we will live in a real world that believes in naming and, as we so often discover, in shaming! I talk from experience. When our son was born in New Delhi in July 1990, my parents traveled from Chennai to be there for his naming ceremony. My mother demanded that we don’t name him Aashirwad and instead insisted that we name him Vishal. I fought my mother vehemently, violently and decided to go with the choice Vaani and I had made – he is a blessing in our Life, so he was, is and will be Aashirwad! But just as no one asked you and me how we prefer to be named, no one asked Aashirwad either. Maybe if he had been able to exercise his rightful choice, he may have preferred a totally different name. Just as you and I would have preferred it too. From that experience, I realized that ultimately, naming a child is a ritual. And for reasons of process ownership, the parents have the right of first decision, always! But eventually, a child will, if required, exercise her or his right to either live with or shun the given name. I, for one, gave up my given name. AVIS started off being my nickname. But because I don’t relate to my given name anymore, I have chosen to live with my nickname as my first name! (PS: Why I don’t relate to my given name is another story, for another day! Plus, I love being called AVIS! J)

Therefore, to me, all this drama around young Taimur Ali Khan Pataudi is totally ludicrous. There’s so much more about our own Life that demands our urgent, immediate, attention than giving our unsolicited opinions on someone else’s child’s name! Think about it deeply. Hopefully, it makes sense!

PS: If you liked this blogpost, please share it to help spread the learning it carries!

 

Not knowing what to do in Life is perfectly normal; it is part of being human

Be vulnerable. Be clueless. Don’t hide how you are feeling.

I watched ‘Talaash’ (2012, Reema Kagti, Aamir Khan, Rani Mukerji, Kareena Kapoor) again on TV last evening. In the movie, Roshni asks her husband Suraj an all important question: “Is it wrong to feel vulnerable and go find your own way of dealing with your vulnerability by doing what gives you peace, what gives you happiness?” They have lost their only son in an accident and both are groping in the dark – angry, grief-stricken and depressed. Roshni decides to wear her vulnerability on her sleeve, she talks openly about her helplessness while Suraj simmers in anger, self-pity and guilt. Now, which approach is right?

To me Roshni and Suraj are not fictional characters. They are just celluloid depictions of people like you and me, of ordinary folks who are stumbling along through Life.

Don’t you often find yourself not knowing what to do in Life? Life has hit you strong and square. You feel numbed, paralyzed and rudderless. Suddenly you are not living. You are merely existing. The chores go on – eating, cleaning, bathing, working, sleeping…whatever, but you are not present. You are lost in the dark abyss of how you are feeling. You see no light. You are blinded and held captive by your cluelessness. I have been there, so I know. I have felt exactly this way. And, through a lot of stumbling, standing up and falling again, and again, I have struggled and found a way out of this state. As in, I have not found solutions nor have I solved the problems I have. Even now, in Life, I don’t know what to do. But I do know that being vulnerable and not knowing what to do is not a sin. And sharing how you feel is not wrong. So my way out has been – wearing my Life on my sleeve!

I have learnt that you must act exactly the way you feel. When you feel low, don’t try to put on a brave front. Sit down and cry if it makes you feel better. Tell people around you how you feel. Don’t worry about being judged. If it makes you feel better, share your despondency, your cluelessness. How would you deal with someone who puts up a Facebook status that says, “I am feeling lost in Life.”? Wouldn’t you reach out, be empathetic and share some time with that person making him or her feel better? I can assure you that should you do the same – as in say that “I have a problem that I don’t know how to deal with” – people will open up their hearts and homes to you.

Many of us resist sharing our vulnerability because we think it is a big, bad, cruel world. The experience Vaani and I have had, over the last 8+ years, sharing our Life, situations and problems openly, has completely disproved this assumption. Every step of the way, we have been greeted only with compassion and love. I found that people love people who are like them – normal, vulnerable and who are dealing with pain with no methods or pretensions. So, I would never recommend hiding how you feel or running away from what makes you feel low or vulnerable. Not knowing what to do in some situations in Life is perfectly normal; it is part of being human. Trying to go against what’s a natural response to Life is what causes suffering and leads you to depression.

So, be guided by the feelings that you want to get rid of. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better. From my experience, I can assure you, telling the world how you feel, sharing your cluelessness, helps immensely. Because while our stories are dissimilar, there’s always someone who’s walked your path before, and who will always appear at the right time, to share a perspective, to hold your heart and to give you a warm hug!

It never was ‘Ki & Ka’; it was, is and will always be ‘Ki with Ka’!

The secret to a happy home is about achieving and sustaining a rhythm, a harmony, between two people!

Last Friday, we found ourselves with two hours to kill. And surprisingly got tickets to that day’s hottest new release, ‘Ki & Ka’! The premise on which R.Balki has made the film is very profound. He addresses, visibly, the issue of gender equality and provokes thought that can hopefully break stereotypical slotting of men and women in socially conformist roles. Yet, as a story-teller he falters. Between a rom-com trying to make a serious point to society and an Abhimaan-like drama of ego tussles among a successful couple, ‘Ki & Ka’, is unfortunately unable to make up its mind on what it really is. Clearly, in trying to be both is where the film fails.

Amitabh with Jaya: Candid Cameos

Even so, the most brilliant part of ‘Ki & Ka’, where the narrative weaves in the real-Life presence of Amitabh Bachchan and Jaya Bachchan, serves the entire purpose of the film in less than 10 minutes. Jaya asks Amitabh (both play themselves in candid cameos) if he would have been able to be manage the Bachchan household if she had been the megastar who, on Sundays, gave ‘darshan’ to fans outside their home? She ribs him affectionately, reminding him that he doesn’t even know ‘how to boil water’!  After protesting inadequately trying to make a point, Amitabh concedes by asking: “So, what are you trying to say?” Jaya does not answer the question; and instead moves on with the story’s plot. Yet, the honesty with which Jaya and Amitabh deliver their real-Life questions on reel, makes the viewer think: how relevant is the ‘Ki & Ka’ subtext in our Life?

The answer to that question is a no-brainer: indeed, it is very, very, very relevant.

It is my personal view and experience, of the beautiful friendship I have with Vaani for the last 27 years, that a couple must work on achieving a rhythm between themselves. A kind of Dhoni-Kohli rhythm of running between the wickets in setting up a home and making it come alive. A rhythm that thrives on mutual respect and compassion. It is not about who does what or when, it is about standing up, stepping in, being there when needed the most. This is what makes companionship tick, love thrive and homes come alive. This is what ‘Ki & Ka’ could have said – but it does not. The issue with the film is not just with the film-making process, it is also about the way it looks at the subject. To me, it never can be ‘Ki & Ka’ but is always ‘Ki with Ka’ – this is the only secret to happy homes!  

Nothing, nobody, can take away your happiness

Yesterday I was watching a Hindi movie called Heroine (directed by Madhur Bhandarkar, September 2012). In the movie, the film’s heroine, played admirably by Kareena Kapoor, tells her boyfriend that she’s scared of being happy. Because she believes that happiness is too short-lived. She’s scared that someone, something, will take her happiness away!

Many of us lead our lives this way. Forever – fearful,  anxious and worried. Happiness and inner peace, interestingly, have no expiry date. But we, tragically, believe exactly the opposite to be true! The truth is that all our fears are connected with external, material, physical, reference points. These points could be people or things. To flip the paradigm, a tectonic shift in our thinking has to happen. From external reference points, we must move inward, anchor within, to and in our inner core!

An old Zen story I have read Osho say is of a Zen Master who was invited as a guest by someone. A few friends had gathered and they were listening intently to the Master when suddenly there was an earthquake. The building that they were sitting in was a seven story building, and they were on the seventh story. Naturally, they all feared for Life and ran. Everybody tried to escape. The host, running down, paused, and came back to see what had happened to the Master. He was sitting still, on the floor, on the mat, with not even a ripple of anxiety on his face.

With closed eyes he was sitting just as he had been sitting before.

The host felt a little guilty. He felt cowardly. It does not look good when a guest is sitting while the host is running away. The others, the guests, had already gone down the stairs but he stopped himself although he was trembling with fear, and he too sat down by the side of the Master.

The earthquake came and went in a matter of a few minutes. Once the tremors and rumblings stopped, the Master opened his eyes and resumed his discourse which he had had to stop because of the earthquake. He began again at exactly the same sentence – as if the earthquake had not happened at all!

The host was now in no mood to listen, he was in no mood to understand because his whole being was so troubled and he was so afraid. Even though the earthquake was over, he was still in shock, in fear. He said: “Now please don’t say anything because I will not be able to grasp it, I’m not myself anymore. The earthquake has disturbed me. But there is one question I would like to ask. All other guests had escaped, I was also running down the stairs, when suddenly I remembered you. Seeing you sitting here with closed eyes, sitting so undisturbed, so unperturbed, I felt a little cowardly – I am the host, I should not run. So I came back and I have been sitting by your side. I would like to ask one question. We all tried to escape. What happened to you? How’s it that you did not feel like running?”

The Master said: “I also ran, but you ran outwardly while I escaped inwardly. Your escape is useless because wherever you are going there too is an earthquake, so it is meaningless, it makes no sense. You may reach the sixth story or the fifth or the fourth, but there too is an earthquake. I escaped to a point within me where no earthquake ever reaches, cannot reach. I entered my center.”

This story is the essence of Zen. It means that when you reach your center, nothing can affect you. No external event, development, can touch you. Your center has been, is, and will be with you. It is INyou. In your center, you will find both perpetual happiness and inner peace. Even if you are physically in shackles, if you are anchored, centered, no one can take away your inner peace or make you unhappy. Know that only you yourself are responsible for your peace and inner joy. But since you and I are not awake and aware all the time, we keep looking at external reference points and keep fearing, like the heroine in Heroine, that somebody, someone will snatch away our happiness.

So, go within, connect with your center. Drop anchor. Only then can you can remain in this world and yet be above it__untouched and out of it.