Clearly, you don’t have too much time

A constant awareness of your mortality is a great way to live enthusiastically!

Interestingly, several signs and reminders on death have come my way in the last 24 hours.

It was my father-in-law Venks’ birthday yesterday – he passed on a couple of years ago, so we reminisced about our times with him on the family WhatsApp group. Besides, it was also MGR’s 100^th birth anniversary yesterday. I thought back to the day he had died in December 1987 – when I had walked 18 kms (as public transport had shut down after riots broke out in Madras) to meet Vaani; it was the first time I was visiting her home. I am glad I walked that distance – she’s sure been a great companion who’s walked beside me every step of the way, these past 30 years! A close friend wrote in yesterday saying she hasn’t been able to come to terms with her husband’s passing. A reader pinged me on WhatsApp to say she was catching up with my blogposts after a while because she had lost her mother last week. And then, of course, while watching a movie at a Cineplex last evening, the Tamil Nadu state government’s newsreel melodramatically showcased the funeral of former Chief Minister Jayalalithaa!

For just a brief while, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I wondered if there was any symbolism in so many death-related references and inferences in one day. Given the fractious family I come from, it has been a few years since I have met my father although we live in the same city! Momentarily, my thoughts went to him, his advancing age and fragile health. I may well have begun to walk along the line of emotion and worry, about my inability to repay my family the money I owe them and, at least, repair my credit rating with them, even if I really can’t redeem my relationships there; but my awareness held me in good stead. I recalled Osho’s masterful perspective that Life and death are just two sides of the same coin; that death is accompanying us every step of the way, like a shadow, from the moment we are born. Or simply, as I have come to see it, we are all speeding towards our death, albeit at different speeds. So, no symbolism, there, I told myself as I fell asleep.

This morning, over coffee, glancing at the obituary section in The Hindu, I thought those thoughts again. If death is the absolute, non-negotiable, reality for all of us; if it is indeed that one reason which must compel us to live fuller, meaningful, happier, lives, why then don’t we live that way? Why do we fritter away our lifetimes fretting over petty material pursuits or even pettier squabbles among those that we live with?

I guess the Dalai Lama nailed it when he said, “The problem with humankind is that we think we have a lot of time!” A beautiful song from the classic Choti Si Baat (1975, Basu Chatterji, Yogesh, Salil Chaudhury, Lata Mangeshkar, Mukesh, Amol Palekar, Vidya Sinha) comes to mind. The opening lyrics are: “Na jaane kyon, hota hai yeh zindagi ke saath, Achanak ye mann, Kisi ke jaane ke baad, kare phir uski yaad, Chhoti chhoti si baat…”. They mean: “Why does the mind think up even the smallest memories of those who have gone away, after they have left us…?” The song’s essence (not in the movie’s context though) is a potent reminder of our mortality. It tells us, ever so subtly, that the inevitable is lingering around, just there, somewhere within our immediate circle of impact. It implores us to use the opportunity of this lifetime intelligently – to do what we love doing and to live happily, joyfully, with all those among us, in the time we still have left with us here.

I believe that fearing death or feeling sorry for the dead or for yourself is of no use. The awareness of your impending death, and of everyone you know, must be used very constructively to live your Life fully. To live without squandering even one precious moment. And the only way you can ensure living without wasting any of your finite lifetime is to only do what makes you happy and celebrate the presence of everyone in your Life – even your detractors, for they teach you what not to do! You will no doubt face your share of challenges along the way, not just with the path you have chosen but also with the people you meet on your journey, but your inner joy, your enthusiasm, will make the ride fulfilling, meaningful.

This reflection over the past 24 hours has only reiterated a truth about Life. Death is not the physical passing on of the human form alone, it is also what happens to you in every moment that you don’t live fully when you are alive! Think about it! Clearly, you don’t have too much time. If what I’ve shared here makes sense, then please go live that kick-ass Life you have always wanted to live but have been postponing for a better day and time. Remember: there is never a better time to live than now!

Kannadasan’s lyrics mean more to me now than an astrologer’s prophecy

What can you do by knowing your future – you still can’t change a thing!

A famous artist I met recently told me that he had added an alphabet to his name, on the advice of a numerologist, in the hope that his fortunes would improve. “But, on the contrary, things have worsened,” he lamented. He then asked me: “Is there any truth or logic in all these things – astrology, numerology, vaastu, feng shui – can they change one’s Life?”

I am often asked this question. Perhaps because in my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal I talk about how two astrologers, a father-son duo Balan Nair and Ramamohan Nair, gave us perspective and direction in our darkest hours. Yes, I do believe that all of these – astrology, numerology, vaastu and feng shui – are sciences. So I respect them. But I have learnt that beyond gaining perspective and direction, we must not look for them to resolve our Life situations. They simply can’t!

Let me explain. When you go to a doctor, you are prescribed a medicine. You must take the medicine for you to heal. Similarly, when you go to an astrologer, invariably – especially if the astrologer is an expert and is ethical – you are advised prayer. This is all what astrologers can and must do – they must tell you more about the phase you are going through in Life and advise prayer. What is prayer at the end of the day? It is just a form of surrender to a Higher Energy. Prayer in the context of a sunny, prosperous phase really means being grateful for all the abundance; and in the context of a turbulent, dark phase means acceptance and surrender. Clearly, a good astrologer can only read your chart efficiently and share with you the facts, the context, of your ongoing Life experience. No astrologer can change your chart. Therefore, over time, I have learnt that when practitioners of numerology, vaastu and feng shui make claims to “alter” your Life’s course, they are really talking bunkum. I don’t hold it against them though. That’s their business model and their need to earn a living drives them to do what they do.

After over a decade of living through a cathartic phase in Life, I have come to realize that the only way to dealing with Life is to simply be in the moment. You can’t solve some inscrutable Life situations. You have to go through any experience for as long as it lasts, however long it takes. Apart from just being, being happy, prayer is good coping device. When you pray – and I don’t at all mean or recommend being ritualistic or religious here – just surrender to a Higher Energy. Offer yourself to be led by it. Trust the process of Life and go with the flow. I am happy to report that I have even stopped seeking direction and perspective from my astrologers. I no longer am keen to know when my trials and tribulations will end. As you can see, I am not bitter with Life either. In fact, I am delighted I am going through this phase because it has only made me stronger, wiser and happier. Without this experience, I will not have learnt the art of being, being happy – which is really to be non-worrying, non-frustrated when results don’t come and non-suffering in the wake of so much pain.

In reply to a mail that I had sent providing an update on our situation, a friend to whom I owe money wrote this reply recently: “I really hope that in 2017 all your troubles vanish and Vaani and you bounce back. You can’t keep going through this phase endlessly.” My cousin asked me once: “How long will you endure this? Don’t you want to know when all this will end?” I know that everyone wishes us well and are genuinely concerned for us. But is there any point in knowing when a tough phase in Life will end? What can you do with such knowledge? Whether you know that it will end soon or later, you have to go through whatever you have to. Nothing – and no one – can change that reality. So, Vaani and I have realized that it is best to go through whatever is in store, stoically, with a smile. There is intense pain at times, but our equanimity, our happiness, helps us not to suffer.

10 years ago, I would have advised you to meet an astrologer. I would have referred you to a vaastu or feng shui expert. I studied numerology myself so I may have volunteered some advice for you. But now I will simply say, accept what is, be happy and go within – realize yourself! As the famous lyrics of Kannadasan from Vettaikaran (1964, K V Mahadevan, T M Soundararajan, MGR, Savitri) go: Nee Unnai Arinthal, Nee Unnai Arinthal, Ulagathil Poradalam ...It means: “If you realize yourself, your true Self, you can battle and thrive in the real world…”

 

What we can learn from Jayalalithaa – no matter what or who it is, be yourself!

The key to intelligent living is the ability to overcome the temptation to please others.

Whether it was her meteoric rise to stardom or handsomely surviving in the male-dominated steamy cauldron of Dravidian politics or facing the slew of criminal charges against her or dealing with the victories and defeats in elections or just coping with her sense of loneliness, no matter what it was or who it was, Jayalalithaa was remarkable only because she was always herself.

I remember Jayalalithaa once telling this to NDTV’s Jennifer Arul: “My mother pushed me into films, my mentor MGR pushed me into politics. But for these two instances, I may have wanted my Life to be very different.” Even so, despite the contexts and circumstances that she was placed in, the one thing that made her charismatic – and perhaps, therefore, enigmatic – was her ability to be herself.

During the elections in 1991, which she won leading to her first term in power, I was assigned the task of covering her campaign. I was then working with India Today. Despite several attempts, she refused to grant me an interview. I was persistent though and befriended her personal staff at Poes Garden. They would alert me of her meeting schedules and so I would position myself outside the gate to her residence – in those days, it was just a few police constables and some of us hacks who hung around there; security measures were not so stringent then. For days on end, she would look at me dismissively and drive on each time she left her home. But I persisted. I traveled to her constituency, Bargur, in northern Tamil Nadu, and camped outside the Traveler’s Bungalow for the days that she campaigned there. I made sure she saw me each time she stepped out for a meeting. But no, she would not relent. Then one day I sent her a fax message enlisting the number of times I had tried to reach her and said that I was keen, as a young journalist, to meet and interview the lady who would be the next Chief Minister. That message worked. Later that day when she was driving out of her Poes Garden home, she asked her driver to stop at the gate where I was standing. She rolled down her window glass and told me: “See, I have nothing against you. I admire your perseverance. But I refuse to talk to India Today until Mr.X (my boss, who then was part of India Today’s editorial board and who had done a story on her around that time that she found objectionable) apologizes to me.” I was young, hardly 25, and very aggressive, I guess, back then. So I piped up, “But why are you punishing me for what you hold against my boss?” Pat came her reply, politely, firmly, with a straight face: “Because I don’t need you guys. You need me. Tell Mr.X to reach out and apologize and I will surely meet you.”

Here was a lady who was then wanting to be Chief Minister – it was to be her first time. She would have surely wanted to be in the good books of India’s # 1 newsmagazine India Today. But she refused to give up fighting the good fight – especially if it came to demanding that she be respected as a woman, if it was a question of her dignity. This is the way, for the rest of her Life, Jayalalithaa remained herself – unwilling to ever bend to social, political or gender-related pressures.

And this can be the learning we may want to take away from her Life. From the time we are born – family,  friends, society – everyone wants us to be the way they are. And somehow we grow up pandering to this social conditioning. We view each of our actions in the prism of our mind’s eye always as how we will be perceived by others. In that effort to meet the expectations of those around us, we cease to live the Life we must or want to or are capable of. When we are not living the Life that we are comfortable living, under the circumstances in which we find ourselves, we are not happy. We are not peaceful.

Undoubtedly, Life will place us in contexts we never imagined for ourselves. In each situation, there will be a temptation to please people, society and do what others want us to do. But if we can overcome that tendency and just be ourselves, we will have lived remarkably! 

PS: This post has been edited. The name of my boss has been dropped and I refer to him now as Mr.X.