No regrets, just gratitude, on a double-anniversary

Revisit the past – only if you must; more to see how far you have come and never to brood over what could have been.

Today is special for two reasons – it marks 20 years of entrepreneurship for Vaani and me; and it is also the second anniversary of my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal’s  (Westland) launch.

It was on August 1, 1996, that Vaani and I set up imagequity+, Asia’s first Reputation Management Company, in our small apartment on Second Main Road, R.A.Puram, near the Kaliappa Hospitals (now Billroth) in Chennai. We set it up with all our love, passion and vigor – in the 50^th year of Indian Independence even as Rahman’s Vande Mataram  tugged at our heart strings – to be the consulting Firm from India for the world. We grew fast and grew well in the first 5~7 years of our existence. And then we made mistakes. Strategic ones. That changed the course our Firm – and our lives – took, forever.

It is almost 9 years since that Firm went bankrupt. I remember how, four years ago, I sat on the ground in a makeshift office (where we had moved, unable to sustain operating costs following our business going bust), and personally shredded display boards and signages of the Firm’s Purpose, Vision and Values. In the journey of the last 20 years as an entrepreneur, that was the most numbing moment for me personally. I was literally, and figuratively, presiding over the funeral of a Firm that we had birthed with Purpose, with Vision and with integrity. Even so, despite the catharsis, we feel no bitterness in us. Yes, there is great pain – owing to the physical demands that a bankruptcy places on your Life – cashlessness, worklessness, cluelessness and lightlessness in a dark, seemingly endless, tunnel. But there is no aftertaste – no regret, no heartache, no sense of loss, grief or suffering.

I believe our non-suffering state has been achieved by treating this period of material loss and acute physical strain, as one of awakening and evolving. And this is the spirit of my Book as well. I wrote it through the darkest phase of our Life. I wrote it because I first wanted to share with my children how you journey through Life, how you flow with Life, as it happens. At their insistence I took an edited manuscript to Westland’s Gautam Padmanabhan who put it to review and vote with his editorial board. Karthik Venkatesh, a key member of that board, gave me infinite support and direction as we prepared, over the summer of that year, to release it on August 1, 2014.

Fall Like A Rose Petal, even as I wrote it, and even now, continues to be a spiritual journey. My story has no beginning. And it has no end that I can see. Yes, someday in the future, Vaani and I hope, the physicality of our bankruptcy will end and we will eventually become debt-free. But I don’t think we can ever repay the debt of gratitude that we owe our 179 Angels, our creditors, who came forward and selflessly supported us and to whom we still owe money. So, this journey will continue as a means of continuously evolving, hopefully paying it forward by way of being as compassionate with others in need as the Universe has been with us.

Dates, anniversaries and wishes of what could have been don’t make sense to me anymore. They are but ways of reminding yourself that this is where you are in Life – having traveled from where you once were! At least, that’s how I have learnt to look at Life. I realize that merely clinging on to the start of my entrepreneurial journey, this day, 20 years ago, will keep me chained to the past; a past that is dead. Instead, I am eternally grateful for my past – for, without the experience of being an entrepreneur, without leading, winning and getting whatever I wanted, without making mistakes, without stumbling, falling, going bust and broke, without pennilessless and worklessness, I may have never discovered the power of reflection, resilience and resourcefulness. I may have never written my Book – which has connected me to hundreds of people who have found the lessons I have shared very useful to cope with their own Life situations. Without turning an author, I may have never been delivering Talks and curating events that inspire happiness. I may have never taken to writing this Blog – which to me, is a truly immersive, therapeutic, daily experience!  Without the Life I have had, I may not have been the person that I am today – perfectly at peace with myself in my beautiful, bountiful, yet apparently imperfect, world!

 

How I see (my) God – everyday!

The more you think that Life happens because of you, the less you will see of Life’s magic and beauty!  

I am often asked what have I learnt from this phase – our enduring bankruptcy – of my Life. And I always reply that I have been humbled by this phase, I have seen God through the compassion of so many fellow human beings, without whose selfless, spontaneous support Vaani and I wouldn’t be around today! I have learnt that I am a nobody – just a speck on the vast cosmic plane!

There was a time when I thought I was causing everything – my success, my fame and my wealth. But post-2007, as we grappled with imponderables – the bankruptcy and the ensuing pennilessness – and  people just walked into our Life to help us – financially, emotionally, materially – I realized how wrong my whole thinking had been. I want to tell you that to be receiving help, and taking it, accepting it, from people can really be traumatic. It does not sit lightly ever. Your ego will hurt, you will find it being crushed like toilet paper and thrown away. After all won’t you feel like a worm if despite all your education, your work experience and your so-called intellect, you can’t get work and you have to depend on grants from people to meet your basic living expenses – your rent, electricity, phone and grocery bills? I struggled with this a lot until I learnt that you have to go with the flow; at different times in Life you have to go through different experiences. I spent over 10 years of my entrepreneurial Life as an employer, a giver, a benefactor. And I have now already spent the next 10 years as a receiver, a beneficiary. And I think both experiences are invaluable. The first experience made me believe that I was everything. The second experience has taught me that I am nothing.

I am reminded of an Urdu couplet by an unknown poet.

mita de apni hasti ko agar hazaar martaba chahe, ke dana mitti se mil kar hi gule gulzar hota hai! 

It means let go of all your attachment to worldly possessions__including your ego, your desire for power and wealth__and allow yourself to be annihilated – to be razed to the ground. For only when a seed becomes dust, and is buried, does it germinate into a new plant!

So, I am very grateful to my bankruptcy for having cut me to size, for having humbled me. My only focus – and prayer – now is that somehow Vaani and I must claw our way back and turn around the business in due course and repay every single creditor of ours – with full interest due. Every morning we wake up in gratitude to the 179 Angels that we owe money to. We do our work diligently choosing to be unfrustrated by the results – which presently never quite add up in relation to our efforts.

I believe everyone should – and will – go through such an awakening, even if humbling, experience. And it need not necessarily be a bankruptcy. Any cathartic experience can awaken you. Without my experience I would have lived in my own delusion that my Life happened because of me. Now I live each moment with so much amazement, so much gratitude, so much joy. I live in total bliss because I see my God in the hearts and actions of all those who have helped us and who continue to help us!

No gold at home, so we raised a ‘golden toast’ to our ‘Vishu Kani’

Abundance is a state of mind.

Today’s the beautiful Malayali festival of Vishu – and of course, it is Tamil New Year’s Day! While I don’t subscribe to most things TamBrahm and Palaghattan, Vishu is my absolutely favorite festival! Because it is a non-ritualistic celebration. You just wake up, and see everything that represents and celebrates abundance. Most important, you look at your own face in the mirror – and celebrate yourself. Indeed you are the superstar of your Life – it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do or what you are faced with! You are the one who’s going to make your Life happen. So celebrate yourself. I love this philosophy behind Vishu.

Last night, as Vaani was setting up our Vishu Kani (the display of abundance at our altar at home) she observed that as we didn’t have any gold at home, we will make do with some imitation stuff. She wasn’t complaining or feeling sad. It is just a statement of fact: we don’t have any gold with us. I was pouring myself a peg of RC whisky as Vaani made her observation. I spontaneously raised the bottle and told Vaani, “Mom, here’s the greatest gold that will ever be. Let’s raise a golden toast to our Vishu Kani!” That’s the way Vaani and I have learnt to look at Life – always with abundance thinking, of living with what we have, and the way we are, happily!

Being bankrupt and penniless can be a numbing experience. It can be debilitating too when it endures for a long period of time – it’s already been over 8 years for us! In this time we have encountered fear, worry, insecurity, grief, guilt, anger and suffering – and overcome all of them. We have been able to do this only because we let go of scarcity thinking – complaining about what we don’t have – and embraced abundance thinking, celebrating and rejoicing over whatever we have! So, while our debt and the attendant problems, that a struggling income stream and broken cashflow bring with them, remain, we have learnt to always be positive and enthusiastic about Life.

To be sure, there is no other way. If we invest precious lifetime moments and years in brooding over whatever we are facing in Life, we will have lost that much living time. When we are steeped in scarcity thinking, we are not living, we are merely existing. When we are celebrating what we have, we are living fully.

Think about your Life. And your problems. By complaining and lamenting about your Life, it ain’t gonna change. The best chance you have to change your Life is to go to work on it. Even then, there are chances – as we have been seeing with our own situation – that despite your best efforts, you will not be able to achieve the results or outcomes that you want. So, depression and scarcity thinking will come knocking at your door. This is the time that you must invest in abundance thinking. When you are happy with what is, when you are not complaining about your Life, you will be drenched in abundance – not necessarily materially but with love, compassion and most important, the ability to get a good night’s sleep! Is there anything more you would want?

 

Your family holds the key to your ‘Kingdom of Heaven’

A family’s greatest test comes in times of crisis. How it rallies together and faces any challenge entirely depends on how well the values of compassion, trust and togetherness have been nurtured in it.

Yesterday, we watched a beautiful Malayalam film ‘Jacobinte Swargarajyam’ (JSR/‘Jacob’s Kingdom of Heaven’; starring Nivin Pauly, Renji Panicker and Lakshmy Ramakrishnan) made by Vineeth Sreenivasan. For much of the movie, Vaani and I felt it was our own story – of my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’ (Westland). The film tells the story of a Malayali family in Dubai that gets into a grave, business-led debt situation. We later discovered, when the end credits rolled, that the film is Vineeth’s way of celebrating the resilience and bonding of his friend Gregory Jacob’s family’s true story.

Words cannot describe what we experienced while watching the film. Almost every scene, situation, and even some dialogues, resonated with our story. Except that the Jacob family’s crisis happened in Dubai and ours is happening in Chennai. And while the Jacob family may have repaid much of their debt and rebuilt their business, Vaani and I are still enduring our bankruptcy; we still have to repay our 179 creditors, who I call Angels in my Book. I often tell people this: Life happens to all of us differently but the lessons we learn from Life are pretty similar. Watching JSR I was even more convinced of this truth about Life.

What Vaani and I have learnt from our experience is that no matter what, Life has to be faced. And a family must face it together. Indeed, as Vineeth portrays in JSR too, there will be moments when family members will go through self-doubt, depression, frustration, anger, grief or guilt. This is when leadership comes into play. Someone will have to step in for the other and extend a hand to haul up the dispirited.

I remember an episode from our ongoing saga from a few years back vividly. I was facing arrest in a criminal case (relating to a defaulted payment) in another state. And I had to prepare our children Aashirwad and Aanchal for what was to follow. Aash had just got out of college and was in the US. Aanch was in second year college here. We set up a Skype call bringing in Aash from Denver, Colorado. And, with Vaani by my side, I briefed the two of them on what possibly lay ahead of us. I encouraged everyone to stay strong and prepared them for the fact that since we did not have the money (both for legal costs and for bail-related guarantees) to seek bail, if arrested, it could take me some time to come out. It was a difficult conversation – emotionally charged and I broke down at the end, crying inconsolably. I was overcome by grief and guilt: I was thinking, this is hardly what young people must have to face. And for a brief while I was consumed by the guilt that I had failed them as a father and let down Vaani as a soulmate. That’s when Vaani spoke. She said: “I don’t want any of us to be feeling sad or guilty here. Let’s take it as it comes. You be strong dad, where you are. And we will all be strong, where we are, while working on how to deal with the impending situation legally.” For all the strength I was trying to summon while talking to Aash and Aanch, Vaani’s stoic, practical perspective boosted everyone’s morale completely. And this is what I mean when I say a family’s resilience is really a function of how people hold up each other. (To complete that story, my creditor withdrew the complaint he had filed against me, at the nth minute, in court when he realized that we indeed did not have any money to pay him.)

I guess families often miss the opportunity to bond and come closer when a crisis strikes. This is perhaps because the values of compassion and togetherness may not have been nurtured continuously among their members. The other reason could also be that people in a family expect everyone to toe one line or point of view – this is not just impractical, it is also unreal. A family is where emotions and opinions will often be divergent and yet they must all be welcomed. If someone’s not feeling up to doing something at some time, you must just let them be. Don’t punish them by being judgmental. This is what JSR brings out beautifully.  And this is what Vaani and I have felt time and again leading our small, precious family, through this prolonged season of turbulence.

JSR or ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’ are not unique experiences. Please don’t view them as bankruptcy or debt-related stories alone. A crisis is a crisis; and the qualities needed to face a crisis are pretty much the same – no matter what context it appears in or what shape it takes. To be sure, there’s a crisis that every home has faced, is facing or will face at some time. The key to your own ‘Kingdom of Heaven’, to survive to be able to tell the tale, is for your family to be there for each other, no matter what, and to weather the storm together. Families that face a crisis together grow more compassionate, stronger and closer with the experience.

Learnings from the day when we were left with no – ZERO – cash!

Overtime, Life sorts itself on its own. You always learn how to cope with what you have and let go of what’s not in your control!

Today marks a unique anniversary for my wife Vaani and me. Exactly a year ago, April 28, 2014, we were left with no cash. Absolutely no – ZERO – cash. Through our enduring bankruptcy, since early 2008, we had lived, and survived, with small sums of money. Rs.2000/- at one time. Rs.1000/- at another. And even smaller sums at different times. (I have recounted those nerve-wracking experiences in my Book, ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money’; Westland, August 2014)

But 28^thApril last year was different. We had been without work and without income for 22 months by then. We didn’t have a car anymore (we still don’t have one). All the gadgets/appliances at home had conked out and we didn’t have money to fix them let alone replace them. So, there was no washing machine, no microwave, no mixer-grinder and no TV at home and I personally had no mobile phone at that time. Mercifully, we had a roof over our heads and food on the table thanks to my wife’s sister’s support. But with no income, with a household to run and an adult family’s needs to be catered to, you do need some basic cash. And we didn’t have much. Whatever was coming by was from distant family or from friends who offered to help us randomly. On the 21^st of April 2014, we were down to

Rs.5,000/-.

A friend from Bangalore called and wanted me to come down to address the team of managers (at an annual strategy meet) at one of his client’s companies. He said they didn’t have a budget to offer me a fee, but they could fly me down, handle my ground transfers in Bangalore and I would have to speak for 90m on what I had learned from Life. I accepted the request because I was keen to get out of the “workless” mode we had gotten ourselves into.

The last Eighty Rupees

But reaching Chennai airport for the flight on 26^th April morning cost me a princely Rs.400/-, the sumptuous but frugal breakfast with Bayars’ filter coffee at the Bagini restaurant near Bangalore airport cost me Rs.120/- , and the ride back home from Chennai airport cost me another Rs.450/-. So, on the morning of April 28^th, we were left with Rs.962/-. Vaani reported that we needed vegetables badly. And some basic groceries. We got them: Rs.782/- gone. I realized we had just Rs.180/- left with us. And I decided to buy Vaani roses for Rs.50/-. It was an impulsive decision. I looked at the roses sitting in a tub at the florist’s outside the grocery store. I felt pretty sure that the Rs.180/- were not going to help us get anywhere. But the roses would make our home look good and “feel normal” for at least 24 hours. Besides, I just felt like telling Vaani how much I loved her for loving me so unconditionally – especially when our Life had been reduced to such banality and hopelessness on the material front.

Bhaskaran

We were left with Rs.80/- when we got home with the veggies, groceries and the roses – Rs.50/- being the cost of the autofare! That’s when a friend called and wanted us to come over for dinner to his place. We agreed. Our logic was simple: rather than brood, or worry, over our cashless state, why not take our mind off everything and just chill? But there was a catch. Our friend lived over 5 kms away. We could either take a bus or an auto. An auto would cost Rs.60/- and a bus ride would probably cost us Rs.20/-. We decided to take an auto and request our friend to have us dropped back. The auto-ride cost us Rs.64.90. And I gave Bhaskaran, the driver, Rs.80/- – that is, his fare, plus a Rs.15/- tip – and told him that this was the last of all the money we had. He stared at me in disbelief. He offered to return the tip back to me. We let him keep it and instead shot his picture as a memoir. (See pictures alongside of the Rs.80/-, the last cash we had and of Bhaskaran who received the money from us!)

That night, 28^th April, both Vaani and I felt very light. There was no worry. No anxiety. Our friend had whipped up a great meal and there was some fine Scotch whisky, Bacardi and wine to go with it. We celebrated our absolute penniless state that night. Soon, someone was in a mood to sing. And we all sang songs. An impromptu antakshariof sorts. It was a Monday night I remember. It was past 2 am when we got home – our friend had us dropped back. For the state in which we were, we slept well. Very well. For the next 10 days, till the 8^th of May, we remained cashless. No money to do anything – resultantly no groceries, no veggies, no stepping out of home to meet anyone for we couldn’t even take a bus anywhere! During this time, whenever we felt hopeless, Vaani and I talked a lot among ourselves. We talked about Life, about Swami (Sathya Sai Baba), about our courtship, about our children and raising them, we talked about loving each other, about gratitude and about acceptance. Those conversations were beautiful and meaningful. We went for long walks. We watched old DVDs on our laptops (since we didn’t have a TV). And we stayed engaged with the world on facebook and on WhatsApp.

Then on 8^th of May, the friend who had arranged for my Talk at Bangalore, called me out of the blue. He said his client was very moved by our story (I had delivered my ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk’ for his managers championing reflection, resilience and resourcefulness in troubled times). His client wanted to make a token payment to me and Vaani and wanted my bank details. I was humbled. And I sent it to him on email and by mid-morning the funds had arrived in my account. I rushed to the ATM and withdrew the cash. It got us going for a week or so. Until we encountered another period of cashlessness – but yet again, we were bailed out. And then we went cashless again. We went cashless for a total period of 18 days, in four spells, between April 28^th and June 21^st2014. Let me confess, it was excruciatingly painful being that way. But it was also a period that taught me and Vaani a lot.

Fundamentally, it taught us that the best way to live is to let go of what you cannot control. Truly, in the state we were in, bankrupt, workless and cashless, we could do nothing than just face what came our way. What was coming was what we didn’t want or ever imagined we would have to face, but that’s the way it was to be. So, we let go and accepted our reality. Second, we stayed positive by looking at the abundance in our lives – we celebrated each other and our two precious children. Third, we thanked the Universe for the experience we were being put through – we are extremely grateful for the lessons we have learnt in this time of test and strife. And finally, we lived in gratitude to all those people – known and unknown – who have helped us and were continuing to help us through this time, ensuring that our Life’s journey progressed, onward, one day at a time.

What this phase has also taught us is that there’s a great value in celebrating what you have and letting go of what you can’t control. Simply, celebrating helps you soak in gratitude and letting go helps you anchor in peace. That peace, well, no money can ever buy!