Why are we obsessed with the lives of others?

Investing all that time in yourself is a far more meaningful thing to do.

I watch helplessly as the world shreds and probes the Life of acclaimed singer Suchitra Kumar. Her husband, who is an actor and stand-up comedian, is a close friend. Despite his fervent appeal that Suchi be left alone, as she is going through an emotionally challenging phase, the Twitterati and the Page 3 media junta are dissecting the lady’s online activity and behavior. They call it #suchileaks! WhatsApp forwards are simply propagating unfounded information – sheer nonsense, that’s truly avoidable! A few of the couple’s colleagues in the entertainment industry are being uncharitable adding to the media frenzy. Here’s a situation, I believe, that can happen to any of us. Someone’s going through an emotional catharsis. And avoidable content is emerging from her Twitter handle. The family says they are trying to make sense of this. There’s a theory too that her account could have been hacked. Where is the need to rush and pronounce judgment on this? Why engage in frivolous commentary?

When I look at the #suchileaks drama, and society’s response to it, particularly on social media, I can only say that it is sadly reflective of how much our culture has degenerated. Just because we have access to social media platforms, just because we have an opinion on a matter, must we rush to put it out there? Critique is ok. But look at what we are doing, consider how we are behaving. We almost always only criticize, often without any rationale; we chastise, we ridicule, we mock, and what’s most vulgar, we pass judgment ruthlessly. If you sit back and reflect calmly you may perhaps agree with me here. If we invest the amount of time, that we waste on obsessing over the lives of other people, on ourselves, we would not just make progress by being more productive at whatever we work on, we will be happier!

If there ever is anything sinful in Life, it has to be this despicable act of judging others. Unfortunately our society is steeped in this sin, it in fact thrives on it! Most judgment these days happens on social media and almost all the time it is never based on facts or evidence. It is driven by baseless opinion and an angst to prove to the world that you too exist. For instance, if you didn’t post a comment on what you think of Suchi, the moment #suchileaks surfaced, why would anyone even look at your Tweet or post? Or if you didn’t leverage Suchi’s emotional turmoil and give her an ignominious epithet, how can you stay relevant in the dog-eat-dog marketplace?

But there is hope. If each of us can make a small beginning. Clearly, what our world urgently needs is global heartwarming. So, each of us must cultivate understanding and compassion and learn to drop the urge to judge others. We can do this if we can pause and ruminate before making online utterances, specifically in contexts concerning others – not just of celebrities, of anyone. We may like to ask ourselves: is it the truth, is my opinion in the matter relevant, isn’t offering the opinion avoidable; when uttered, will my comment be fair to all concerned, is my Life going to be any better because I commented on this subject or person? I have been employing these questions every single time I have a craving to share an opinion. To be sure, I too have opinions, almost on everything – and everyone – around me. But when I chew over my opinion and subject them to these questions, I find my opinion dissolving. It is a beautiful process – an avoidable urge to judge, opinionate or comment arises and then I throw the questions at that urge and the urge simply capitulates and disappears. Try it! It works!!

I believe the biggest value that choosing to be non-judgmental delivers is time. When we stop obsessing over others’ lives, we have a lot more time to reflect on our own. And it is only through continuously investing in yourself that you can live a fuller, meaningful, happier Life!

 

State your problem in < 140 characters. Twitter Therapy = absolute clarity!

It works big time!

We met someone recently who is very depressed and lost in Life. He said he’s out of money, he’s had a break-up, he’s not able to get along with his colleagues at work and has lost hope that anything “good” will happen in his Life! He spent an hour lamenting about his situation to us. Then, tired of his own rants, he confessed, “Honestly, I don’t even know which one is my problem – everything is so muddled, so depressing, so hopeless, so dark…”

I interrupted him. I said, “Do you have a Twitter account? If you don’t, set up one. And go define your problem as a single Tweet, within 140 characters. You don’t have to post your Tweet. Just use that opportunity to define your problem. See what happens and please share your learning with us.”

The gentleman appeared confused at first. But two days ago he called me to say, he was very clear the “technique” worked! He announced, “I was able to nail my problem – it is this: I am a constant complainer.”

I told him that if he was clear and convinced what his problem was, well, he surely knows what to do. He immediately agreed!

Twitter Therapy, if I may call it, has always worked for me. Most of the time, the human mind plays up unnecessary drama – events and emotions – that magnifies any given situation beyond proportion or at times, even clouds logical, practical thinking! This gentleman, for instance, was having a problem in his relationships because he was constantly complaining, depressed and negative. He has a job and a regular source of income, but he was constantly complaining of lack of money. So, for the longest time, he thought everything was wrong with everyone around him. Therefore, he was depressed. But when he tried to examine why he was feeling so, and tried to define his problem statement in 140 characters or less, without having the luxury to complain endlessly, he found that he needed to change himself for his Life to change.

Some years ago, when I was besieged by guilt, anger, hatred and grief, over my own mother calling me a cheat (read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal), for months on end I cooked within myself, suffering, suffering, suffering. Then I employed Twitter Therapy. I struggled with defining what my problem with being called a cheat by my mother was. I went on to explain past issues. Then justifications needed to be given. I had also to acknowledge my role in causing some of the poor chemistry between me and my mother. My first draft of the definition of my “problem relationship” with my mother was 10,000+ words long. After several rounds of editing, I managed to bring it to 1000 words and thought I couldn’t define it any briefer than that. That’s when I chanced upon Twitter as a medium for the first time – in 2009. And I thought up this why-not-define-your-problem-statement-in-a-Tweet idea! It worked big time. My problem statement was simple: Not just now, my mother never ever trusted me! Simple. Period. Immediately, acceptance came in. My anger, grief, guilt, hatred – all my debilitating emotions dissolved. Acceptance led me to complete inner peace.

Since then, I have always championed the use of Twitter Therapy. The import here is simple. Can you define your problem – whatever’s worrying you, disturbing you, haunting you, tormenting you – in one sentence? Can you keep that sentence crisp, clear and focused? Can it be said in 140 characters or less? If you can, then you have hit the core of your problem on its head. Once you know what the problem is, without any emotional underpinnings or layers, you can either attempt a careful resolution or you can accept it and move on. So, try it on whatever you are sweating over, worried about or fearing just now. Peel off all the drama and state your problem in 140 characters or less. You will feel liberated with the clarity, and inner peace, that follows!

Busting three absurd myths about happiness

You – and only you – are responsible for your happiness.

A recent discussion, of which I was a silent spectator, on what makes people happy or unhappy, depending on how you see it, caught my attention! One school of thought was that social media has become a necessary evil and that spending too much time on Facebook makes people depressed and unhappy. Another view was that because happiness is a ‘much marketed’ industry, more people are unhappy because they are unable to be happy despite their best efforts. A third perspective shared was that people who tend to be positive about Life, no matter how challenging their Life situations are, are normally those who are keeping “stuff bottled up within them” and that their “depression and suppressed negativity will soon explode”.

I found all three points of view absurd.

Let’s start with the third. Vaani and I are folks who are not just positive, we are enthusiastic about our Life despite whatever we are faced with. And we don’t have any bottled up feelings that are waiting to explode. There is no simmering anger, grief or guilt within us. As I write this, I honestly don’t know how we are going to survive – in a purely bill-paying sense – the month of June, but we are not pinned down by insecurity. Apart from our enduring financial crisis, we are also confronted with some serious health and professional challenges. But we are not moping over our fate. To be sure, we are also not the only ones who are upbeat about our Life. We know thousands of others like us, around us, just in the city of Chennai, who have learnt the art of being happy despite their circumstances. Someone is dealing with a child’s autism, someone’s lost her husband, someone’s teenaged son committed suicide, someone’s efforts to find love and companionship have failed more than three times, someone’s wife deserted him because they had a child that has cerebral palsy; so the man is a single parent even as he has a career as a master chef, someone’s walked out of a 28-year-old marriage and given up on her business career – both at the same time – and does not know how she will survive both in an economic and emotional sense…! Now, all these stories have one thing in common: all these people are, we know, immensely happy! And since Vaani and I know them personally, we can vouch for them; they are not putting up a “happy face”. The truth is you cannot fake happiness. You can put on a brave face, but never a happy one!

Now, let’s go to the second perspective. People may be marketing happiness. The peddlers of happiness as a concept may be profiting from selling the idea. But if you buy the happiness theory because someone hard-sold it you, then, seriously, honestly, you have lost the plot. Happiness is who you really are. And you will realize who you are only when you awaken to your real Self. That can happen through a friend or a family member holding up a mirror to you. That cannot happen because you were ‘sold the idea of happiness’. So, merely attending a retreat or a program, or reading a book or watching a movie, on happiness, cannot make you happier. Only you can and must help yourself to happiness. Nobody else can. And if they claim they can, then be sure it’s just a sales pitch. You may buy into it but you won’t benefit from it! Because you can and will never be happy waiting for someone or something to make you happy!!

And finally the first point. Think of your social media platforms as your living room. If you allow all kinds of people into your home, into your living room, be sure that they are going to ruin your inner peace. Who would you entertain or host at home? Only those whose company you enjoy, right? Only those whose value systems match yours, right? Only those who make you come alive, who inspire you, who complement your energies, right? So, why do you allow all kinds of people onto your timeline – on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and such platforms? And having allowed them, by your own choice and volition, why blame the medium and the platforms? Try weeding out all those whose presence you don’t enjoy from your social media connections and then see how you feel. I bet you will be a lot happier than you are presently!

Happiness is a personal choice, an individual responsibility. It is available 24×7 and is free. To be happy, you must simply be. Don’t complicate your Life by trying to understand how to be happy in today’s times. Spend that time and energy simply being. You will be happy!

 

Ben Stokes’ ‘Bhagavad Gita’ moment: detach from the outcome!

What’s over is over. Dead. Gone. Past. Guilt has no place in Life.

The most enduring image of the ICC World Cup T20 Final between England and West Indies of Sunday night at the Eden Gardens, Kolkata, is of England bowler Ben Stokes sinking to his haunches, his head buried in his hands. He sank that way, not once, but three times in four balls. Windies’ Carlos Brathwaite had just smashed him for four sixes in a row and had snatched away the T20 World Cup from England with two balls to spare!

When Stokes lifted his head from his hands, after the winning sixer was hit, he was looking devastated. He was reduced to a bundle of guilt and grief. England captain Eoin Morgan did what every great leader does – he rushed to his man’s side and encouraged him to move on. Even so, the way Stokes was feeling – and looking – just then, I thought he would be clinging on to his guilt for way too long. But in about an hour, I saw his Tweet which showed that he was indeed ready and willing to let go and keep walking.

And from my own experience let me assure you, that’s the only way to deal with guilt. We must understand that intent, integrity and hardwork do not necessarily produce proportionate results. Outcomes, just like Life itself has, have a mind of their own. Which is why the Bhagavad Gita encourages us to focus on the effort and not on the result. Sunday night belonged to Brathwaite, to Darren Sammy’s anger with the West Indies cricket system, to the Caribbean people. So the World Cup went to them, virtually at the nth second. But that doesn’t mean Stokes was bad or that he’s a loser. It was just not meant to be his night. This is the only attitude which can help us face and deal with this inscrutable Life.

Guilt and grief, over what has happened and what you contributed to what has happened, are wasted emotions. When guilt arises, like it did in Stokes, it will push you down. But you must bounce back. And that’s where detachment with outcomes helps. I have learnt to deal with guilt by asking myself the following questions: did I do my best in the given situation and did I act with integrity of purpose and in everyone’s interest (to whoever I am responsible for)? If I answer ‘yes’ to both questions, I simply move on. Unmindful of the outcome of my actions. Of course, whether it turns out that I have put in my best or that I must work better and harder, there is always a learning with each new experience. So, as I move on, I keep internalizing the learning – and oftentimes, I keep unlearning too.

All of us have this ability to bounce back from a debilitating situation. All it takes is to say no to guilt and grief, and to move on!  

Patience is the way

If you have learnt to be patient in Life, with Life, you have mastered the art of living!

My friend and I had a creative and spiritual disagreement a few days ago. My friend argued that you cannot be patient when the whole world is impatient around you. The boss is breathing down your neck. The guy behind you is honking. People rush into elevators instead of filing into them with order and decorum. Your colleague is pressurizing you to finish up your part of the work fast so that she can get her job done faster. So, patience, really? It doesn’t work, my friend protested: “You live in a Utopian world, AVIS. Here, in today’s world, if you are not moving at the speed of light, if you are not overtaking slow-coaches and laggards, someone else is going to overtake you and them. The one who is moving fast, has the advantage. Patience does not work anymore today!”

Yet, despite my friend’s well-reasoned pitch, today’s world requires patience more as a must-have quality, a necessity, than as a rare virtue which, when available and used, can create value! Because patience alone can lead you to a Life of peace, personal well-being and prosperity.

Patience comes from a deeper understanding of Life. We are impatient with people, events, circumstances, service, technology, and with Life, because fundamentally we want things to happen our way. But that’s just not going to happen. Despite our living in a time of instant gratification – WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter surreptitiously aiding and abetting it – Life works only in its own way, at its own pace. You can have your way only if you are patient with and in Life.

Osho, the Master, often narrated these three lines to help people understand Life better. He would say:

1.     Everything comes in its own time

2.     Everything comes when you are ripe

3.     Everything comes when you deserve it

Now, review your own Life in the context of these three statements. You will find that anything you have got so far from Life, stuff you have welcomed and have wanted, has come only per these three dimensions of Life. You may have wanted something and may have even been frustrated. And it has never come. You know your story better than anyone else. So, think back, and ask if you got anything you wanted any earlier or any later than when you needed it – when you finally got it? Were you not in total receiver mode to have got it? And you only got something when you truly deserved it, right?

Patience is about simply understanding these three dimensions of Life and reminding yourself of them every time you mind grieves or when frustration sets in. Simply, there is a no way to be patient; patience is the way!

Apply the Twitter logic: define your problems within 140 characters

Kiss your problems away.

A simple approach worth trying is to apply the Twitter formula to your__any__problem situation: If you can describe it in 140 characters or less, you have got a way out! Most of the time we tend to blow problems out of proportion by adding too much data, too much analysis, too much reason, too much emotion and too much fear to it! Think of some situations. You have had a bad morning__kids acting cranky, morning rush hour traffic, a flat tyre and an incomplete presentation before the crucial meeting starts. Your boss balks at you. You feel like a worm. You start imagining this is a worthless, thankless Life. You carry your grumpy feeling home. You snap at your kids. You ignore your spouse. You wish you could die. The next day, same scenario, with some added thrills, twists and turns, plays out. You are giving up! So your well-meaning colleague asks you to share. You say that you should never have got married in the first place. Or had the kids early. Or that that you shouldn’t be working because you can’t manage this stress. But you need the money. And then there are the loans. The EMIs. And then there’s the older one’s college tuition fee responsibility coming up. Oh! God, there’s no way out! You lament, perhaps, break down, hold your colleague’s hand, say your thank you, and rush because it is time to pick up the kids from school. So, what’s your problem? Marriage? Kids? Job? Simple: “You are unable to manage your time.”  And all you need to do is to get help to manage your multiple tasks or get out of some activities (like give up the job if you can afford not to have one) or just stop cribbing.

To imagine that your entire Life’s a pain is completely futile! Or take another situation. You are self-employed. Run a small business. Clients are not paying up. But you need to keep the business going. You borrow. Interest rates, over the years, are hurting you. You take to smoking and drinking to handle your stress. Things go into a spiral. Losses. Client and employee attrition. Plus your destructive habits. You fear you will die. And the family will be on the street. So, to drown that fear, you drink more! You think everyone is ganging up against you. You feel Life is conspiring to fix you. What’s your problem? “You need help running your business.” That’s it. Not that you are a bad businessman or a bad employer or that you are inefficient. It is just a phase in Life. And unless you bring in help __ to either restructure your Firm financially (infuse working capital) or remodel your business __ you will be in this situation. And yes, you must help yourself by giving up your destructive habits! 

Apply this Twitter-focus to any situation to Life __ relationships, health, family, social, community, career __ anywhere. It will work. Theodore Rubin, an American psychiatrist and author, says, “The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” All of us dramatize situations in our Life. Resultantly, we are unable to state or define our problems simply and objectively. This, therefore, delays__or, often times, even denies__problem resolution. Keeping definitions of the problems we face simple__within 140 characters__makes them less painful to endure and far easier to solve. Keep It Simple to Solve—KISS your problems away! 

To anchor in peace, be in an “Is that so?” mode, accepting what is!

Does Life challenge you more because you graciously accept whatever comes your way?

That’s an interesting question that someone who follows me on twitter asked me the other day. Well, the answer really is that whether you accept it or not, Life goes on happening to you. When you don’t accept what’s happening to you, you suffer. Because suffering comes from resistance. While acceptance, of what is, can take away the suffering, it cannot stop a problem from arising, a challenge from cropping up or a painful situation from surfacing. Acceptance cannot change the Life that is designed for you. Acceptance can only make sure you don’t suffer from whatever that happens to you. So, to imagine that Life should not challenge you just because you have learnt acceptance is a naïve expectation. And, as always, expectations bring agony; they bring suffering. So, abandon such an expectation and just be accepting of whatever is!

One of my favorite Zen stories is an illustration of unconditional acceptance. Three hundred years ago in a small Japanese village Zen Master Hakuin lived a quiet, contemplative life and was much loved by the villagers. A beautiful girl, whose parents owned a food store, was his neighbor. One day the girl’s parents discovered that she was pregnant. This made her parents very angry. She would not tell them who had fathered the child, but after much questioning she at last said, “It is Master Hakuin.” The distraught parents went to the Master and expressed their rage. “Is that so?” was all he would say. When the child, a boy, was born, the parents brought him to Hakuin, who now was viewed as “a sinner and an outcaste” by the whole village. They demanded that he take care of the child since it was his responsibility. “Is that so?” Hakuin again said calmly as he accepted the child. A year later the young girl could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth – that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fish market. The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to seek his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back. Hakuin calmly placed the baby in the grandmother’s arms. In giving back the child all he said, again, was: “Is that so?”

There’s a phenomenal lesson here in Hakuin’s story. Don’t analyze Life. Just live it. In total acceptance. There’s really no point in wondering if Life will “challenge” you more if you are accepting or if Life will “understand” you better if you are accepting. Just live the Life you have been given. Be in Hakuin’s “Is that so?” mode all the time – accepting what is and being open to experiments, adventures and possibilities. This is the only way to avoid suffering – despite the circumstances – and anchor in peace!  

“God is not a person. God is a presence.”

In the name of God and religion mankind remains divided. Only when each of us realizes the ‘godliness’ in us will all this strife cease.

I read two interesting stories in the papers today. Both had to do with “controversial” Tweets posted well-known personalities. One is Ram Gopal Varma, the highly-talented film-maker, who’s presently going through a bad run at the box office. Varma tweeted a purportedly derogatory remark against Lord Ganesha, whose birthday it was on Friday. Varma wanted to know what obstacles Ganesha had removed for his devotees in all these years that they had been worshipping him. Naturally, the devotees, particularly Hindus, were up in arms against Varma. Their angst forced Varma to issue an apology for his insensitive remark. The other Tweet was by DMK leader M.K.Stalin who wished everyone a “Happy Ganesh Chaturthi”. This surprised his followers and his detractors alike. Now, the DMK is a “rational Dravidian party” that does not follow or champion any religion or God. So, some of Stalin’s followers lamented that he was “breaching party protocol and tradition”, while others treated his “social, secular greeting” as a “new beginning” for the party. Stalin, for his part, chose not to comment any further – even as the debate continued on whether he had done the “right thing or not.”

I have nothing to say for or against what either gentleman has had to tweet. My point is this – why do we give so much importance to God and religion? Why do we divide humanity on that count?

Down the ages, all through history, God has been seen only from two angles by mankind. There’s one view which says that God is a person, someone high above – who cannot be seen, but who has to be feared and followed. This is where religion came in and made matters worse. Each religion is basically saying this: if you follow our processes, rituals and practices, we will show you the way to God. And so, for lack of any other option, people follow a religion. And, sometimes, they move from one religion to another hoping to find God – that elusive person who apparently has all the answers and solutions people desperately want! The other view challenges this view and invites us to be rational, to be scientific and to apply common-sense and intelligence. It questions the futility of this ongoing search for God. And those who hold this view have successfully maintained – and often argued – that there is no God. These are the atheists. What the atheists have done further, apart from denying that God is a person, is that they have, without any material evidence, denied the presence of God too. What I have understood, primarily from following the Buddha’s teachings and Osho’s, the Master’s, works is that there is also a third view. And that view says – “God is not a person. God is a presence.”

This is such a beautiful perspective. And I relate to it completely. It invites us to consider that God is not someone, God is an experience. In fact, Zen Buddhism says God is in the stillness, in the silence, in the magic and the beauty of all creation. And Osho says, when you shift your focus from searching for God, to experiencing yourgodliness, you become free. I find great value in that insight. As long as you are searching for God, you remain hostage to religion. Irrespective of which religion you follow, your search for God remains incomplete and you are bound by tradition and rituals. You can’t ask why something is being done. You can’t seek. You must just follow. But, through the flowering of inner awareness – often through practising silence periods or any form of meditation – when you awaken to your godliness, you realize that what you seek is within you. Then religion becomes an avoidable process. And God becomes a personal, direct experience.

As I journeyed through Life, I too ended up searching for God all over the place. I have been through rituals, prayers and tried all religions – and have visited several places of worship. But I finally found God in fellow human beings – who through their kindness and compassion continue to touch my Life in myriad, beautiful ways. I find God in every aspect of creation – in a sunrise, in a raindrop, in the chatter of the birds and in the breeze that soothes me on a hot summer afternoon. I find God in my happiness – in my state of “simply being” irrespective of what circumstance I am facing. This is the way, over the last several years, I have come to experience God – and my godliness! When you realize your godliness, and feel God’s presence in everyone and everything, then you are forever prayerful, forever blissful and forever at peace!

On witnessing the miracle of your Life

Stop, pause, breathe and witness the miracle of your Life!   

In everyday living, the business of earn-a-living, keeps us so much on the edge that, sometimes, we don’t even know whether we are coming or going. There’s always so much to do. And so little time. Technology should have made Life easier – to be sure, it has – but we have complicated it by being addicted to it. Some people have got so addicted to facebook and Twitter that they are always feverishly typing away statuses and comments from their phones. Think about it. The first thing most of us do when we wake up is to reach for our cell-phones.

A quick look at your emails, facebook and Twitter notifications, WhatsApp messages and SMSes is now a subconscious first action. Even before you have brushed and freshened up, this is what you do. And the mind starts pounding away responses to what you have seen and read. By the time you are at work, you are so pumped up that, you carry that “rushed” frame of mind all through the day. Even when you are back home for dinner, you are still looking at your phone even as you eat. The same charade repeats itself day after day, even on weekends, and often on vacations too.

There may be nothing apparently wrong with this lifestyle. Except that you are probably missing the miracle in everyday living. Over time, as age catches up, you realize that you haven’t really lived the Life that you wanted. You have merely existed, gotten by, by surviving! This is why perhaps the venerable Russian dramatist Anton Chekov (1860~1904) famously said: “Any idiot can face a crisis. It’s day-to-day living that wears you out.”

A Zen story comes to mind. When Bankei Yotaku (1622~1693), the Japanese Zen Master, was teaching at the Ryomon Temple, a priest, who was jealous of Bankei’s large following, decided to debate with him to put him down. So, one day, when Bankei was in the middle of his Talk, the priest arrived and created a commotion. Bankei stopped his lecture and asked the preist what he wanted. “The founder of our sect,” boasted the priest, “had such miraculous powers that he held his brush in his hand on one bank of the river, while his disciple held a paper on the other bank, and yet he would be able to write the name of God on the paper – through air. Can you do such a thing?”

Bankei smiled. He replied: “Perhaps your founder, who is a genius it appears, can perform such a trick. But this is not how Zen works. My miracle is that when I feel hungry, I eat and when I feel thirsty, I drink.”

To be alive, to experience this Life that you and I have been given, is the biggest miracle of them all. It is also the greatest wealth we can ever have. The truth is that we have it and the tragedy is that we don’t realize we have it. So, we keep searching for it and in the process squander it. Remember: your Life is not going to change, unless you change the way you live!