Pissed on and passed over? – Never confuse being compassionate and being firm

Forgiving someone for a transgression and yet being firm on the issue need not be mutually exclusive.

A young manager I know is in a quandary. His boss has been harassing him at work – to the extent that the young man went into depression. His colleagues advised him to report the boss’ behavior and to seek a new role within the organization. The manager got himself assigned to a new project within the company over some months but he has chosen not to complain about his ex-boss. Over coffee the other day he asked me if was right or wrong in a. forgiving his boss and moving on and b. not reporting his boss’ behavior to his company’s HR leadership on grounds of breaching an organizational value – ‘respect for the individual’. “I am not sure I can be forgiving and also report him,” he confessed.

As I have learnt from Life, you can – and often must – do both. There’s a warm and compassionate side to each of us. We are, by nature, willing to forgive people for their transgressions. But often times our softer side is viewed and interpreted as our weakness by people who trample upon our emotions or deny us our freedom or even basic, fundamental, human courtesies. In such situations, it is absolutely fine to stand up for yourself, look the someone who is bullying or harassing you in the eye, and say that you will not take this treatment anymore. Besides, in this particular manager’s story, it is important that his boss’ behavior is reported. Because it conflicts with an organizational value and if left unchecked it may cause serious emotional injury to other employees and also impair the organization’s culture.

Important, when you are forgiving someone, you are gifting yourself freedom from the trauma that following any pain that has been inflicted on you. Forgiveness frees you of suffering. But fighting for the injustice meted out to you in the first place, that’s issue-based. So if you choose to stay firm, and unrelenting, on not allowing such an issue to arise again, either to you, or to anyone in the future, there is no conflict whatsoever.

I have learned this from Swami Sathya Sai Baba: “In any relationship between two people, one may well be a cow and the other, a bull. There’s nothing wrong in being either. Each has a role to fulfil and each has something to offer the other. But at any time that the bull starts taking advantage of the cow’s benevolence, mistaking it for meekness, the cow will be well within its rights to assume the ‘avatar’ of the bull. In taking a stance, in your own interest, there is no right or wrong. Just be true to yourself – do what you believe must be done in any context. The cow need not perpetrate any acrimony, aggression or animosity. But the cow shouldn’t suffer any of these either.”

In essence, while to make a mistake is human, and to forgive such a mistake too is human, to suffer in silence and sorrow is both unjust and inhuman. It is the biggest hurdle to inner peace and joy. So, don’t confuse being compassionate and being firm. They need not be exclusive. Simply, no matter who it is, don’t let anyone take you for granted, trample upon your self-esteem, piss on you and pass you over. Remember: if you don’t stand up for yourself – chances are, perhaps, nobody else will!

 

Live-in, be BFFs, make lots of love, have children – do you really need to marry for doing all this?

Marriage is a hollow, irrelevant institution – it is perhaps the singular cause of gender inequality.

Last night, over dinner, Vaani and I had an interesting conversation with a friend’s daughter. We talked about marriage – and its increasing irrelevance.

This young lady is in a long-distance relationship. Her boyfriend comes from an affluent, conservative family. The boy’s parents are keen to have the engagement done now and the wedding sometime next summer. The young lady is not sure what she must do. She is wary of walking into a family which does not believe in the bahu, the daughter-in-law, following her own bliss and career. The girl’s brother is advising the couple not to rush into a marriage. His view: “Understanding each other is very critical before you end up in a marriage.”

I agree with him. In fact, although Vaani and I are married, I have come to see marriage as a totally avoidable practice. Here’s why I feel so – and this is what I shared with the young lady too last night.

In the garb of according societal approval and fulfilling religious norms, marriage actually, unnecessarily, limits Life between two people. Clearly, the reason why two people relate to each other for long periods of time is not because they are married. It is because there’s a friendship between them, they understand each other and are willing to be non-judgmental about each other despite the circumstances. This relating is continuous, and is never limited by gender, class, religion, nationality or language. Of course, to build and sustain this companionship, two people need not be necessarily married. On the other side of this view, people can stop relating to each other after being together for a considerable amount of time. It is very natural. But as we see all around us, it is only marriage that makes any divorce painful and messy. So, if you place societal requirements aside, marriage is irrelevant. What people do today while they are still in a marriage they can and will do even otherwise. They will either relate to each other and be great friends or they will grow out of liking each other and move on or they will stay together and have other relationships that will make them feel complete and fulfilled. But when they do all this without being married, they will do so while being a lot, lot more, happier.  Simply, they will experience total freedom and zero guilt in doing what they really want to do! If you examine society around you, there’s isn’t unputdownable evidence that supports the utility of marriage as a social contract – it has neither aided the building of great companionships nor has it prevented people from exploring Life outside of its framework. This is why, I believe, marriage is irrelevant.

The other problem that marriage has created is that it has, again unnecessarily, made a very basic human need, sex, appear illicit and salacious whenever it is indulged in outside of a marriage. This is outright ridiculous. As Osho, the Master, says, the bees, the birds, the fish, and every other species don’t find the act of having sex illicit. They do it freely. They don’t have any rules that promote monogamy and condemn polygamy. So, why are we humans outrageously supportive of this regressive framework called marriage that restricts free access to a basic human need, to a beautiful spiritual expression – sex?

Also, it is the imposition of the draconian code of conduct of marriage that has singularly led to gender inequality. This is particularly true in Indian society even though it is evident in several other cultures world-wide. Consider this: the moment she marries, a woman must serve the interests of the family, often at the cost of her career, her passion, her bliss. She must rear children. She must not step outside of the marriage, the relationship, even if she finds someone that she can relate to. But the man she married can do what he pleases, with whomever he chooses. And because she agreed to be subservient, and often just a doormat, if at all she dares to seek a divorce, she has to be at the mercy of her estranged husband and seek alimony for survival through an inert legal process, that’s always messy and emotionally draining! Doesn’t all this sound so stupid, so repulsive?

I would any day champion that people just develop great friendships while living together. If they grow out of liking each other, they can, and must, move on. And if they want to procreate and have children, let it be a mutual choice, not a necessity. Yes, for reasons like securing passports or buying material assets, if there must be a piece of legal documentation, let there be. But don’t get wedded to the legalese. The real contract is in the spirit of togetherness – of a friendship, of relating to each other, of enjoying each other, of giving and receiving, of always being there for each other, no matter what the circumstances are. As I share in my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal  and in the film Rise In Love  (that a young film-maker made to understand how the companionship between Vaani and me thrived in the face of adversity), Vaani and I are friends first and then a married couple. In fact, if I was meeting Vaani now, I would not have chosen to have a marriage. We would have lived-in together and would still be loving each other as much as we do now. Our marriage has not helped us stay together. Our friendship has.

So, my (unsolicited) advice to my children, Aashirwad and Aanchal, and to anyone wanting some perspective is this – marry only if you want to; please don’t marry because society or family wants you to. It is a meaningless, irrelevant, practice. Between being stuck in a relationship and being able to relate to each other no matter what, relating to each other is more valuable. Between your marriage and your happiness, obviously, happiness wins hands down any day, doesn’t it?!

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Not Ganga ‘snanam’, but meditation and gratitude can uplift you spiritually!

Think abundance and you will be happy! Think scarcity and you will run scared!!

A friend posted on Facebook that she did not like the ‘spiritual energy’ in her new house. She bought this one less than a year ago and has tastefully, passionately, done it up. Prior to this, she has changed as many houses in under 10 years complaining of ghosts, tantriks and pesky neighbors in most places and even of a lecherous landlord in one. So, I am not surprised that she is complaining of her new residence now. While I don’t want to discount her experiences by judging them, I genuinely feel sorry for her. Sometimes, Life does put you in a spot when you imagine that the whole world is conspiring to ruin your happiness and inner peace. Famously, Bollywood star Parveen Babi (1949~2005) lived the last years of her Life imagining so. I have lived this way too for a while. It wasn’t until I realized that no one or nothing can affect your inner peace unless you let them to, unless you give them permission, that I arrested my downward spiral towards being delusional.

People are people. They will do what they want. And you have to do what you want to and believe in. Events are events. They will keep on happening in your Life. The more you imagine that people and events are against you, the more you will see Life from a scarcity, fear and anxiety point of view. Then you are not living freely, fully and happily. You are running scared and are fearing Life. How can you experience inner peace when you are filled with negative and anxious thoughts?

Let me explain this using an analogy that is relevant today, given that it is Diwali! Everyone is busy asking the other, at least in Tamil Nadu, whether they have finished their ‘auspicious Ganga snanam’. A dip in the Ganga is believed, per ancient Indian folklore and mythology, to purify one of their sins and past karma. To dispel this myth, a Master once sent a bitter gourd fruit with his disciples to be dipped in Ganga. When the disciples came back from their bath in the Ganga, he asked them if they had dipped the bitter gourd too. When they nodded in affirmation, he asked them if the bitter gourd would have lost its bitterness. The disciples laughed at their Master.  How can bitter gourd lose its bitterness just because it has been dipped in the Ganga, they wondered. The Master smiled back and asked them how they then believed that a human being can be rid of her or his sins, or past karma, by bathing in the Ganga? The disciples got the message – loud and clear! Interestingly, that question applies to all our lives; and I hope we too are picking up that message!

I have come to realize that there’s no point in wondering if anything is sinful or not, there’s no point in trying to study past karma and its implications on this Life or on a future one, there’s no point in reviewing, or stressing over, anything that’s not in your control. Instead live each moment fully, happily. The human mind thinks up 60,000 thoughts daily. Most of these thoughts are invested in worry, fear, insecurity, anxiety, guilt, grief, anger, jealousy or hatred, and in similar debilitating emotions. Instead, through any meditative practice, if you can focus a majority of your 60,000 thoughts daily on being happy, with whatever is, on being grateful for what you have, you will find that no one, or nothing, can ever affect you or disturb your inner peace. In every sense therefore, more than Ganga snanam, or a homam, or Vaastu or Feng Shui or Numerology (as in my friend’s context) a meditative, reflective practice daily of being thankful is what can curate and uplift your spiritual energy. Simply, the key to unlocking your spiritual energy lies in thinking abundance, being happy – and grateful!

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Reflections from a conversation with a man who believes Life = Money

Not all of the time you have in this limited-period offer called Life is relatable to money.

Yesterday I met a former employer of mine. He’s a billionaire who has, interestingly, filed for bankruptcy in one of his lines of business. I had worked with him as his EA over 20 years ago. He seemed to have heard of my financial troubles and had reached out to me wanting to understand where I was in Life.

When we met in his palatial sea-facing suite in a prominent five-star hotel, I presented him a copy of my Book, Fall Like A Rose Petal. Browsing through it, he told me that my problems were too small. And, according to him, a lot of my problems endured because I had not “understood how to live my Life”.

He hastened to explain that Life conforms to a simple formula: Life = Time (measured as a lifetime; also that we are a product of the time we go through) and Time = Money (because a majority of the financial transactions and economic models in the world are constructed around this theory); so, logically Life = Money. He theorized, alluded to and concluded that if I understood this formula about Life, I would emerge “successful” instead of being a “failure”.

I smiled back intently at him. I told him he was entitled to his view of Life. But my view of Life remains that we are all a product of the time we go through, so, yes Life = Time; besides, Life is a limited-period offer. But while Time may equal Money in some contexts, but it is not relevant in all cases.  For instance if you have to choose between an important business engagement and being at your child’s birthday, and you choose business, then you would have made money alright, but you would have lost a precious moment forever; you would have lost an opportunity to be, to be happy, forever! So, time must be invested judiciously – indeed to earn a living, but, important, to live fully, happily. I reminded my former employer that I was earning a lot of money back then when I was working with him, and on a few occasions I was even following his formula of Life = Money, often skipping important Life milestones for business reasons. But while I made money, I was unhappy living the Life I was. For the record, I had quit working for him when he denied me a two-day break to travel back to India, to Chennai, to celebrate my son’s 6^th birthday. I didn’t buy his Life = Money equation then, nor did I buy into it yesterday when he re-propositioned it to me.

The gentleman chided me for my inability to see “reality”. He strongly felt that I must see a psychiatrist. And he wanted me to follow a method, a set of rituals that he had borrowed from a TIME magazine article, to be happy so that I could be successful. I continued smiling at him. He was keen to know why I was so amused. I said I wasn’t amused. I was smiling because I was happy. In fact, I declared: “Sir, I am both happy and successful. So, thanks, but no thanks, for your advice!”

Not one to give up on anyone so easily, he asked me to define happiness and success. I said: “First, I don’t believe there are any methods or mantras to live Life. Happiness is just being in the moment. I am swimming in an ocean of problems Sir, but in the moment that is now, I am with one of the most richest Indians. In the hour that I have spent with you, the rich and famous, the powerful kingmakers and networkers of India have been calling you. But you called me. You offered me your warmth, your compassion, your time and such fine coffee. I am celebrating each moment I am spending with you. Which is why I am smiling all through our conversation. I am deliriously happy. This is how I live my Life from moment to moment, choosing to be happy with what is, in each one of them. So, happiness is to just be – to be immersed in the moment. And true success is to learn to always be happy despite the circumstances.”

Our interesting conversation ended on that note. He of course held on to his view. And wished that I would see his point of view to find happiness with, and in, material and financial success. I merely smiled back at him while I bade my goodbye.

On the Uber ride back home I reflected on the meeting and the learnings it offered with Vaani.

There’s an old Zen saying that goes like this: “You don’t step into the same river twice.” This saying reminds us that Life is ever-flowing. A moment that’s lost is lost forever. So, in every moment, if you make a choice to be happy with what is, with whatever is, you can live your Life without regrets. Surely, as long as you are alive, there will be problems you will encounter in Life. And there will be pain on account of those problems. But you will not suffer when you choose to be happy despite your circumstances. This choice to be happy is a personal one – and you can make that choice when you recognize that Time is not always = Money and that this lifetime is also the opportunity each of us has to make our lives happy, meaningful and memorable – one moment at a time!

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There’s a lot of Life left after a crisis. A lot of Life!

You can surely use a crisis in your Life to make it meaningful.

Some years ago, I was traveling by the Rajdhani Express from Surat to Mumbai. The passenger sitting next to me was keen to have a conversation with me. I was least interested in chatting with anyone and preferred to go back to reading Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code, which was nearing its unputdownable climax. But the man was irritatingly persistent. I finally put down the book and looked in my neighbor’s direction. He started the conversation gleefully. I soon discovered that he had an inspiring story to share. He, I learned, is a very successful diamond trader. His wife and only child had died in the Indian Airlines (now Air India) IC 113 plane crash at Ahmedabad airport in October 1988. He showed me pictures of his deceased wife and son. He told me how difficult it was initially for him to cope with his sudden, devastating loss.

“I loved my wife and son dearly. For many months after their death, I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming their names. I would be alone in my palatial bungalow. And my screams would echo back to me. It was eerie,” he said.

“How did you move on? Did you remarry,” I asked, considering that he was in his mid-forties when I met him.

“I chose not to remarry. I moved on, however, because I soon realized suffering and grieving was foolish. It was not going to bring back my family alive to me. I realized that while I loved them a lot, I was hardly spending time with them. I was busy making money. Now, I have lots of money. But no family to go back to. So, I have made it my mission in Life to awaken people to the importance of spending time with their families, and not just on their careers. Which is what I want to tell you too. Please make time for people who you love. Spend quality time with your wife and children. Life is very unpredictable and impermanent. Make sure you have meaningful memories when you are finally alone,” he explained.

That man on the train was serving me a wake-up call back then. I was still running the rat race then and was imagining that earning-a-living was more important than living. His wisdom, as it turned out eventually, was more unputdownable than The Da Vinci Code! For he had understood not just Life but its value. He had managed to make his Life – and his trauma, his crisis – meaningful.

When I think back to that train journey and conversation, I feel it has helped me make my own Life meaningful, purposeful, especially in the wake of the bankruptcy that we are enduring as Firm and as a family. If today Vaani and I invest our every waking hour in inspiring happiness among all those are willing to pause and reflect, the seed for this sense of Higher Purpose has was perhaps sown in that conversation. To be sure, we are far away from having solved our problems, but we do realize that our crisis happening to us is part of a larger design, of what is to happen through us.

Clearly, when a crisis first hits you, you may think you can’t go on. You will imagine that, it is all over, you are finished. And so, when you are in the throes of a crisis, you may not believe that there is a lot of Life after a crisis and that the rest of your Life can really be meaningful. But if you move on and don’t allow yourself to be held hostage by the crisis, the Purpose behind why you have to go through whatever you are going through will soon unravel itself. Then you too will wake up to the opportunity and Life that there is after a crisis!  

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Happiness comes from transcending sadness, not by suppressing it!

Be aware. Be happy!

A young lady came to us saying she wanted to know how she can break free from feeling sad. She and her husband had been living separately for years now. Her business had folded up. The money she had borrowed from her brother for the business remained outstanding. But he had been generous enough to write off the dues. “In a way, everything that caused my sadness, my broken marriage, my failed business and my inability to pay off my loans, has been around me, with me, for a long time. Yet, I am unable to get rid of the sadness within me. What must I do,” she asked.

Good question. This lady, in my opinion, is lucky. At least she knows a. that she is sad and b. what is making her sad. Many a time, people just wallow in sadness. They don’t know it and can’t express their feeling clearly.

Even so, sadness, grief is not something unnatural. Sorrow is a very natural, real human feeling. Someone dies. You lose something. You are misunderstood. You break up in a relationship. You suffer a crippling health setback. Each of these situations can apply to any of us – at any time. And when something like that happens, chances are that you will be grief-stricken. You will wish your Life was different. This wishing will make you feel miserable and cause all your suffering. You will go down a depressive spiral and will continue to remain stuck in that cesspool of grief for a long, long time. Eventually, you will not even know what you are sad about. Sadness would have become embedded in your subconscious.

 

The way to haul yourself up in a situation like this is to focus on whatever gives you joy. It can be music, art, watching a movie or being alone with nature. Whatever makes you forget that you are sad, in a natural manner, do it. Drinking or smoking do not fall in this category because they are artificial and you impose them on you. Look for an immersive experience – where you can lose yourself, without count of time or without thinking about your grief!

Important, sadness and happiness are the same energy – expressed differently. Look around you. There are so many happy people. Why are you not happy in their midst? The reason is that when you look at them, you feel you can never be like them. You have conditioned yourself to thinking that way. Break free from that conditioning, from that pattern of thinking. The truth is, if you can be sad, you can be happy too! Not by replacing the factors that have caused your sadness. But by accepting the fact that you have reasons to be sad, and that, despite those reasons, you can chose to be happy doing what gives you joy!

Sorrow and suffering must not be resisted. Or controlled. Or repressed. They must be transcended. You can go past those feelings if you are aware. Awareness will always lead you to happiness!   

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Angry kya? The source of all your anger is within you!

Mindless anger is avoidable.

The CEO of a mid-size firm confessed to me that he has anger management issues. He said he gets ‘ticked off on the flimsiest pretext’ and wanted to know how he could ‘control his anger’.

This CEO reminded me of myself. I used to be this way. In fact, even now, at times, I do get angry. But, until a few years ago, my anger was mindless and would last several days. But now, my awareness, cultivated to through the practice of mouna (observing silence periods daily) helps me see the anger rising in me and encourages me to allow it to subside – because I now know that I can’t solve any problem or change any situation that I dislike by merely being mindlessly angry with it!

Let me explain how I have understood to deal with anger.

I used to have a personal assistant who would always, always, mess things up. And his behavior, his body language, his utterances, in fact, his very presence would infuriate me. One day, after another high-decibel screaming episode with him, I remarked to Vaani, in complete frustration, “You know what? I am to blame for retaining this guy with us. He’s not the source of my anger and misery. I am!”

That statement was a Eureka moment for me! Perhaps I was aided by my reflective practice of mouna, maybe I was driven to enlightenment by my frustration with myself, whatever it was, it certainly helped me see the futility of my mindless rage. Clearly. Over the following weeks, I meditated more on this understanding. I realized that whenever you get angry with someone, you have caused that anger within you first. The target of your anger is outside of you – but the anger has risen within you. There is no point working on the target. You must work on the source.

I employed this learning sincerely over the months that followed. In fact, after some years of diligent practice, I still believe this awareness is something you must sustain continuously. You must work on being aware in each moment.

So, every time I get angry with someone or something, I remind myself that just getting angry mindlessly is a waste. Trying to control anger doesn’t work either. Because when you control anger, you are repressing it – which is why you are often not even “seeing” that you are angry, whenever you are angry! You are resisting a natural human response. And whatever you resist, persists. Instead, go to the root cause of your anger. And always, every single time, you will find that your anger is born out of what you expect, out of what you desire. And when you see your desire clearly, ask yourself if you are capable of changing a current reality into an aspirational reality? If you think you can do this, then channelize the energy from your anger to achieve that aspirational state. Employ your anger for a Higher Purpose. (That’s what Gandhi did with the Indian Freedom Movement.) If you can’t, simply let go of your anger.

Anger is like any other emotion – it will rise like a wave in you, as a natural human response to a situation. If you are aware of it you can either use the energy for a constructive outcome or you can let it go. If you are not aware of it, in extreme cases, it can even consume you. But more often than not it makes you feel helpless and miserable! Why would you want to cause your own suffering?

A good starting point to deal with anger is to work on yourself – so begin with letting go of all expectations. Do your best, each time, and don’t set any conditions on the outcome of your efforts. Let whatever will happen, happen. In fact, whether you like it or not, whatever is due to happen will only happen. So, have an open mind, this awareness, all the time. That way, when anger arises within you, as it naturally will when what you don’t like, want or expect happens to you, you will see how pointless it is to get mindlessly angry. See if your anger can be employed to achieve a Higher Purpose. If you see that it can’t be, simply let it go. This is the only way to avoid being mindlessly angry!

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Ae dil, but it is not so mushkil!

Detailing a ‘what if’ scenario is a good way to kill anxiety and expunge worry.

Someone I met recently wrote to me about how her husband was unable to cope with unemployment. He is over 50 and lost his job in a lay-off two years ago. His efforts to get a job are not bearing fruit and he’s feeling depressed. The lady said he had shown suicidal tendencies and was undergoing counseling. She requested us to meet the gentleman.

So we met him for coffee last week. He said he was anxious about the fate of his savings, which were slowly getting depleted and he wondered how he would put his only child, who is in high school now, through college. “I am desperate for a job. My income cannot be nil like this. I am at the end of the road. It is scary,” lamented the man.

It is often the fear of, or not knowing, what will happen that drives people to desperation. We are all gripped by this fear at some point or the other. None can escape it. The most effective way to deal with such a fear, with anxiety and insecurity, is to face it.

So, we advised the man that instead of only asking ‘what if’, he must go ahead and answer that question. “For instance,” we told him, “If you are facing uncertainty – meaning, if you fear all your savings going up in smoke – don’t just allow that ‘what will happen to me’ feeling to keep building up within you. Complete the scenario to the last detail – “I will sell my apartment or move to another less-expensive city or whatever…I will survive a few months and then when I am totally broke, I will go live with my parents or brother or sister…and if they won’t have me, I will take up a small-time job and live within my means until I get the break that I will need to rebuild my Life and career.” – And don’t worry about your daughter. Life will take care of her!””

The man seemed unconvinced initially. But he has read my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal. When I drew parallels to our own story and shared how Vaani and I have been coping with uncertainty, and how our children Aashirwad and Aanchal got through college through ‘acts of the Universe’ and the compassion of fellow voyagers, he felt a lot reassured.

Actually, it is not at all difficult to face worst-case scenarios. When the fear of the unknown, yet-to-be-born future arises in us, we play out each detail granularly. Each time it has helped us anchor in equanimity and face the situation stoically. You too can do this. You will be amazed how much you will benefit from such an exercise. For one, you will discover that whatever is the worst case that you imagine, and fear, is not so bad after all. Your detailing that ‘what if’ script will reassure you that you can cope with any impending crisis. You will, over time, also realize that the worst almost always never happens!

Life always, unfailingly, provides you what you need – perhaps not in the form in which you envisioned it, but in the way Life has planned it for you. No need of yours has ever been unmet. And no need of yours will remain unmet either. When you start seeing this magic and beauty in your Life, you will understand that all your anxiety and insecurity is such a waste of your time and energy! To be sure, everything is happening to a plan, Life’s plan – just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean, there isn’t one!

Imagining the worst that can happen is not being defeatist. It is the only way to kill feelings – like fear and anxiety – that may otherwise consume you. Your fears often blind you to your own resilience. Resultantly, you stop believing in your ability to face Life’s innumerable challenges. Looking your fears in the eye may not take any problem situation away. But it will most definitely help prepare you to meet that situation confidently when it arrives. So, perhaps, you do realize now that facing Life is not so ‘mushkil’, difficult, after all!

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Zen and the art of being unfrustrated with outcomes

To be unfrustrated when you don’t get the results you want is a skill that you can teach yourself.

A gentleman asked me the other day: “It must be so frustrating AVIS to endure a bankruptcy for such a long time. Why do talented and ethical people like you have to go through a tough Life?” I smiled back at him. My reply: “Talent and integrity don’t ensure a crisis-free Life. The nature of Life is such that it is one continuous adventure. You just have to deal with whatever comes your way.”

I feel people unnecessarily complicate Life by imagining that they should be free from problems, challenges or crises. To be sure, Life never promised anyone a hassle-free ride. In fact, Life makes no promises. We humans bring our expectations to the party and then we invite suffering into our Life when those expectations are not met. When Life makes no promises, and when you expect something out of Life, and that expectation is not fulfilled, and you suffer, who is to blame? Of course, you have only yourself to blame. So, simply, drop all expectations and Life will be a lot easier to deal with.

In “Gandhi The Man”, Eknath Easwaran (1910~1999), writes about how Mahatma Gandhi drew great inspiration from the Bhagavad Gita to keep the focus only on his efforts and to learn to be detached from the outcomes. The Gita says: ‘Do your allotted work, but renounce its fruit – be detached and work – have no desire for reward and work’. And Gandhi internalized this learning thus: “This is the unmistakable teaching of the Gita. He who gives up action falls. He who gives up only the reward rises. But renunciation of fruit in no way means indifference to the result. In regard to every action one must know the result that is expected to follow, the means thereto, and the capacity for it. He, who, being thus equipped, is without desire for the result, and is yet wholly engrossed in the due fulfillment of the task before him, is said to have renounced the fruits of his action.”

I meditated, during my daily mouna (silence periods) sessions, on this learning for weeks on end some years ago. And over time I cultivated the ability to stay detached from the outcomes of my efforts. Vaani helped me through this process. This is how both of us have been able to deal with our Life with great equanimity.

Internalizing this learning has helped us immensely to remain unfrustrated when we don’t get what we want despite our very sincere efforts and all our integrity. When you are unfrustrated then you see any challenge only as an opportunity to learn patience and to retry. Which is why, when people often ask me, when do I think we will get out of our bankruptcy, I always reply, “I know we will be out of this. I just can’t say when.”

To be unfrustrated is a skill that can be learnt with practice. It requires training your mind to engage with only the present moment, with only the efforts. Simply, when there is integrity of Purpose, when there is relentless, unsparing effort, when you trust the process of Life, then you can never be frustrated with the outcomes!  

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Your happiness is your responsibility, so, stop blaming others or kidding yourself!

Live your Life your way, when you still have the time!

I was asked by a lady recently if it is possible for someone like her, who comes from a conservative family, to go do what she loves doing and find happiness. “I have been raised to always believe that my husband, my in-laws, my children, my extended family comes first. I somehow feel guilty every time I think of doing something for myself,” she said. I asked her if she is happy being the way she is. “No. I am very unhappy. My husband and I have a huge distance between us. Everything I do is only a chore. My children give me solace but they are young adults now and have gone their ways. Despite all my education and talent, I feel lost, wasted and useless,” she confessed. I advised the lady to decide what she wanted to do basis only one parameter – her happiness: “A large part of your Life is over and done with. You can’t live brooding over the past. Recognize that you only have so much time left. Do whatever makes you happy.”

Actually, this perspective applies not only to this lady’s context, but is true for each of us. Sometimes, we get so caught up in serving our circle of influence that we miss attending to ourselves. Respecting the needs of your family and living by family values and culture is undoubtedly important. But if it is going to leave you drained, miserable and unhappy, what is the point? We must understand that being happy, doing what you love doing, is not being selfish or irresponsible. Only when you are happy can you live a more productive Life. Simple.

Let me clarify further. I am not saying that looking after elderly parents or serving an extended family is wrong. Of course not. But if doing so is going to ruin your inner peace, and cause you (and others) suffering, you may as well choose to do what makes you happy. Because you live only once; this is the only Life you have. And being happy is the only way you can live meaningfully.

Between Vaani and me, interestingly, we have had contrasting experiences on this front. Her father lived with us for 14 years, after my mother-in-law passed away, till he died last year. Vaani served him and cared for him till the very end. In the last five years of his Life he became entirely dependent on her and this meant that a lot of her time was invested in looking after him. This did come in the way of her aspirations. But Vaani served him happily. She was always at great peace with herself – never did she complain, never did she shirk whatever she had to do for him. Now, I, on the other hand, have made a conscious choice not to have my parents live with me. The singular reason for this is that my mother and I cannot co-exist – there is no chemistry between us. In the wake of our bankruptcy my siblings accused me of being selfish, opportunistic and irresponsible because a. I had lost all the family wealth to my failed business and b. I refused to have my parents stay with me. I talk about this choice I made in my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal too. People often bring up this point in conversations with me. What would I have done if my siblings had not offered to support my parents? Am I not failing in my duty as a son, as a brother? And I always reply that I made my decision with a singular focus – I cannot be happy while engaging with my mother. Strange, but that is the way it is! So, unfortunately, we both can never stay together. I have no regrets about the decision I have made and I have the greatest respect and admiration for my siblings for doing what they are doing. If we had had the means, I would have provided for them with a separate premises and support staff. But since we ourselves have been living for the longest time on a grant and on the generosity of my sister-in-law and her husband, I am presently not volunteering any support. Now, my stance may appear to be cold-blooded to some. And a difficult or tough choice to others. But I sincerely don’t care about what others think of me. I know that unless I am at peace with myself, I can’t do what I must do – which is, claw my way out of the financial mess we have been in for years now. I clearly don’t want to be fighting internecine battles with my mother that will leave me drained and depressed every single day.

Yes, it may be the case in some instances that, when you are the only one in a family available to serve another member, you don’t have a choice. Then one has to accept the reality and stop complaining about Life. In such choice-less situations, happiness and inner peace comes from total acceptance of what is.

I share Vaani’s story and my story here only so that we all appreciate that each of our lives is unique. This so-called social norm of “family values + culture comes ahead of individual happiness and inner peace” is all humbug. Each of us has to do what we want to do, what we love doing and what we have to do. Your Life is yours. Period. As long as you are true to yourself, as long as you can face the person in the mirror, always do what you must do to be happy and at peace with yourself. Blaming others won’t cut ice when your number is called and it is time for you to depart. What will stare you in your face then is the brutal awakening that you may have perhaps lived your Life differently. What will be the point of brooding over an unlived, unhappy Life then? So, stop kidding yourself. Go live your Life happily, your way, when you still have the time!  

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