Perceptions are the villains in all our stories

I don’t know if the world is fake. I am authentic. Period.

A well-meaning friend called up this morning. He advised me and Vaani not to share in public the fact that we had not repaid even a rupee of our debt in 10 years. He was referring to my signature Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk and my curations in public spaces where I share learnings from our Life’s journey. His point: “Your credibility will be affected if people see you as strutting around when you owe so much money to so many people and you have not even started to repay them back.”

I thanked him for his concern. But I clarified to him that we can only be authentic, true, as we are, to ourselves.

The truth is for 10 years now, we have not made enough money to even be able to cover our living expenses. Business has at best been coming in fits and jerks – interspersed with long spells of incomelessness. We live in a rent-free apartment given to us by Vaani’s sister and brother-in-law. Unless we recoup ourselves financially to earn over and above our ability to cover our living expenses, including our rent, we cannot start to repay anyone. Yet, we don’t sit idle; either ruing our fate or succumbing to complacency just because we have a roof over our head. We are periodically communicating with, and available to, all our 179 creditors, humbly seeking time and understanding from them – and in cases where they have proceeded legally against us, we are cooperating with the relevant process. We work hard every day to put our business back on track and remain unfrustrated when we don’t get the results we expect. But, we also work with a Higher Purpose – of Inspiring Happiness – and this is why I wrote my Book Fall Like A Rose Petal, this is why I deliver Talks or why I write this Blog daily and why we curate non-commercial public events. So, if people see us smiling, cheerful and being happy with making others happy, and they want to judge us as lacking credibility, because of what they perceive us to be, well, too bad for us, too bad for them. If the import is that we are strutting around irresponsibly, while trying to Inspire Happiness, or that, as my own mother and siblings believe, we are faking a bankruptcy, well, again, too bad for us, too bad for them. If the question is how is it that our children have grown up to graduate from premium educational institutions, while we continue to struggle for living expenses, well, I don’t know why we deserve so much kindness and compassion from the Universe! The truth simply is that while we are broke, in every material aspect, we are also soaked in grace, perhaps because we have implicit faith that the Universe will take care of us; perhaps because we trust the process of Life.

Bottomline: just as I don’t know why we are being subjected to this enduring bankruptcy, I have no explanation to offer for the miracle called our Life. To be sure, we believe there’s a lot of compassion in the whole world, for all of us! Now, because we are witnessing this abundance in our Life, we have been stepping out and sharing our learnings with all those who care to pause and reflect – we are telling people that if you let go, the Universe will take care, Life will provide all that you need; and that it is indeed possible to be happy despite your circumstances. Being happy is not inaction. Happiness really means being non-worrying, non-frustrated and non-suffering – no matter what you are dealing with. Vaani and I have learnt this art through our catharsis. To share this learning with the world, to Inspire Happiness, this has become our Purpose, of raison d’etre, our ikigai, our reason for being.

As we live our Life’s Purpose, it doesn’t matter to me or Vaani what people think of us. We are not going to stop being authentic because some people are judging us. The truth is only this – we are enduring a numbing bankruptcy, our material Life is really, perpetually, on the edge of a precipice, but Life miraculously continues to provide for us, and we will only do what gives us joy, which is live by our Higher Purpose of Inspiring Happiness.

Having said all of this in the context of my Life, I invite you to look at your own Life. Perceptions that people carry about us are really the villains in all our stories. So, it is very possible that you too are being judged by people in your circle of influence. It is possible you live inhibited by your sense of insecurity over being judged. It is possible you are not living the Life you want to be living. But instead of living in fear of what people are saying about you and thinking of you, ask yourself, are you really happy? And ask yourself, what will make you happy? The answer invariably will be that you are happy only when you are true to yourself. Authenticity, my dear friends, trumps perception management – any day! That’s what makes the crucial difference between living and existing.

I, for one, clearly refuse to merely exist – as much as I refuse to be anything but authentic!

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Let downs can only be handled well when you let go

Don’t cling on to anything – or anyone – that makes you suffer!

A reader asked me this question: “What do you do when your husband of 30 years lets you down?”

I know it is easy to advise someone to move on, but let go does not come easily when there has been a let down. Yet, in most instances, it is the only option you have to protect your inner peace.

Grief, anger and a sense of worthlessness accompany a let down. The fact that you have been taken for granted, treated like a piece of s**t, used, pissed on, passed over and trampled upon – all these come together to puncture your self-worth. You feel miserable. And I want to tell you that it is perfectly alright, natural, to feel that way.

I have experienced let downs too. In professional contexts. And in a very personal relationship – with my own mother. (Read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal). So, I am sharing here what I have learnt from my own lived experiences. I was haunted by my let downs each time only when I clung on to the hurt.

To be sure, you will be hurt when you are let down. The pain cannot be avoided. But look at the situation dispassionately. The other person did what they did to you only because they wanted to do it – to them, therefore, their action did not look inappropriate or wrong. What is the point in grudging the actions of someone who does not even know that they are doing something that may hurt another? We have to also realize that people change – all the time, over time. Just because someone was one way some years ago, it must not be assumed, or expected, that they will be that way forever. When people change the way they think, they change the way they behave too. So, when you are let down in a relationship, you are questioning someone’s current actions while comparing them to their past actions, to a past that is over, that is dead. The irrefutable truth is that the person who you believe has hurt you has left you behind and moved on long, long ago, while you are still living in that dead past! That someone has looked outside of the relationship, or has decided to stay distant from the relationship, only because they don’t relate to you anymore. There may be myriad reasons why they are thinking, feeling and acting the way they are. But that’s the truth. And the faster you accept this new reality, the lesser you will suffer, the faster you will heal.

But the human mind will magnify and complicate this simple, straight-forward “no relating = relationship is dead” situation. For instance, if it is an issue between spouses, the mind will bring in the context of marriage, society, children and family. Marriage is an institution – make it work. What about the kids – make it work for at least their sake! You cannot act against a prevalent social norm, so adjust, accommodate. But if you consider the fact that the marriage was long dead even when either or both partners stopped relating to each other, you will see the pointlessness of suffering something or someone for the sake of others! In my case, it is an issue where my mother doesn’t trust me. Of course, my mind magnified things and tried to point out that I have to appreciate and understand that it is my mother, who, biologically, is responsible for my very existence on the planet. When I couldn’t bear my suffering anymore, I employed the “we don’t relate to each other anymore” logic and decided to stay away. I am sure it has helped her as much as it has helped me. We inhabit different orbits, but are peaceful in our own spaces.

Although I am in favor of forgiving – even if you can’t forget what happened – and moving on, I don’t champion that necessarily. I believe people will learn to forgive on their own. And they will do that only when they realize the value in forgiving – that it liberates you from the burden of anger, grief, guilt and poor self-worth. So, all I will say is that the thumb-rule for all decision-making in Life must be to ask yourself what makes you happy.  In a let down, when you ask this of yourself, you will realize that only letting go can help you end your suffering, heal and be happy.

‘Jo Darr Gaya, Samjho Marr Gaya’!

Certainty is an illusion. It doesn’t exist.

“What if you have a heart attack and die suddenly? What if both of you die? Are you not scared of your impending death? Doesn’t it worry you when you have so many responsibility and commitments – especially your debt to repay,” asked a member in the audience at my Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk recently.

I don’t grudge that question. I have thought about it to myself on several occasions. But I have also learnt that fearing uncertainty is the surest way to invite suffering into your Life. So, I always take the Kamaraj approach of “Agattum Parkalam” – “Let it happen, we will see!”

Certainty is a man-made illusion. Before you were born, where was the certainty that you would be? When you were an infant, where was the certainty that you would be provided for, fed on time, cared and loved? As you grew older you were tricked into this illusion of certainty __ you are sure to have a home, you usually have both parents with you, siblings, education is guaranteed, and you are bound to get a job, earn wages and raise a family! How much more simpler Life would be if only it were to progress in this certain, assured, linear fashion__one thing leading to another with such predictability and precision?

Just to demolish this illusion, and wake up to reality, if you live in any part of urban India, go to a busy traffic intersection closest to you. And after getting over the shock of seeing so many homeless, destitute children begging there, strike up a conversation with any or some of them. You will soon discover how uncertain their lives have been. And continue to be. Maybe some were abandoned by their parents. Maybe some were kidnapped by organized racketeers in the begging syndicate. They live on and off the streets. Abused by people like us who despise their presence and by heartless cops who extort their meager earnings from them. When you understand their Life’s design, you will awaken to the inscrutable, uncertain ways of Life. And when you think about it, you will just be grateful that you were born to your parents and not to theirs __ and there was no way ever you could have been certain of this realization until this moment!

It is also when you are faced with uncertainty for the first time, that you will stop taking Life for granted. A first layoff, a first health crisis, a first relationship break-down, a first financial crisis – that’s really when you begin to realize that perhaps you had read Life differently. That maybe, just maybe, you cannot really be certain about some things in Life.

The truth however is that you can be certain about nothing in Life. The way to deal with uncertainty is to welcome it. Don’t try to wish it away. Because it ain’t going anywhere. It is always here with you. For instance, if you have a good job, enough savings and investments to take care of your retirement, where’s the certainty that your health will be all fine or that your companion still loves you? Of if you have a health complication and have the best doctors treating you, where’s the certainty that you will still survive? Where is the certainty that your family members will live long enough to be with you till your very end? So, don’t try to crave for a Life without uncertainty. If you accept Life as being uncertain, you will find joy in each moment.

So, approach Life with a ‘what is’ than with a ‘what if’. ‘What is’ is a celebration of the moment you are in now and there’s nothing uncertain about that moment. It is happening. So, there can be no fear of it. ‘What if’ is fear-inducing and amplifies what is not yet. It is imaginary; it breeds fear and suffering. Literally, as in that iconic dialogue from Sholay, ‘Jo Darr Gaya, Samjho Marr Gaya’! In the end, it is so very simple: when you embrace uncertainty you will find immense joy and beauty in this totally unpredictable, inscrutable experience called Life!  

Why would you need a wake-up call, if you are already awake?

A crisis is a great opportunity to evolve, to grow stronger, wiser and happier!

“Do we need a crisis to wake us up from our stupor,” asked Sheela, who was in the audience when I delivered my signature Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk  at Mamallapuram the other day. Sheela’s taken an Indian name, though she is originally from France. She remain paralyzed for 23 years of her Life. She said only after she let go, stopped complaining about Life and learnt to live with what is that she healed completely. She is now convinced that the only way to live fully is to be happy – working only to take care of your needs and dropping all wants.

She asks an interesting question. I have been often asked that – particularly because my own awakening happened only through our Life-changing crisis, our bankruptcy (read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal).

I always ask people back this question: do you wake up on your own in the mornings or do you need an alarm or a wake-up call? Those who are tuned to a bio-clock can wake up sharp at a particular hour every day. Those who are not, need a wake-up call or an alarm. So, it is with awakening to a more intelligent way of living. Those who are appreciative of the transience of Life, who are raised to live purposefully from their childhood, they just keep living that way. But when people run the rat race or when they are trapped in a material, earning a living, bubble, they are the ones who are rudely jolted by Life’s upheavals.

That’s what happened to me. I thought I could go on postponing happiness, so that I could earn enough, save enough and then put up my feet to enjoy my Life. I was being so stupid. But I didn’t realize it. I seriously believed I had a plan. I had married early (when I was 21). So, I often told my friends that at 40, I will retire, after having “stashed away” enough wealth. Only when every single material asset in my Life, right down to the last rupee was taken away, that I awoke. I was 40 then! It was such a gut-wrenching awakening. I suddenly found ourselves as a family hanging from the edge of a precipice. It was scary, it was dangerous, it was a heart-in-the-mouth situation.

But that experience taught me that Life’s shocks are going to arrive whether you are awakened or not. Even if you are awakened you cannot escape your crisis. But being awakened you are far more equipped to deal with it efficiently. For instance, you can deal with a fire in your home if it breaks out during the day, when you are up and about, than in the night, when you are fast asleep.

Having said that, I want to quickly add that I have learnt to love any crisis. I feel I would not have evolved to be happier – despite our circumstances – but for our crisis. We are still hanging there, as a family, at the edge of the precipice. We have been hanging there for almost 10 years. We continue to, as Osho would say, “live dangerously”. It is undoubtedly painful. But it is not scary anymore. When you are happy with your current reality, you are very peaceful within. So, I don’t either despise a crisis or fear it. I have learnt to be grateful when one arrives and to embrace it. I believe a crisis arrives only to make you stronger, wiser and happier through dealing with it! And you can deal with a crisis only when you are awake – not when you are in stupor, asleep or, well, pretending to be sleeping!

Making pain powerless

In any situation or context, you can choose not to suffer!

 My Rheumatoid Arthritic condition has struck again. This time it has come with a vengeance – seizing my lower back in painful spasms. Yesterday, I was at the beach, in Mamallapuram, ahead of delivering my signature Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk there at Eli’s Kitchen. As we walked on the beach, I was in terrible pain as I took each step. But we were shooting some test shots for the cover of my next Book. So, I endured the pain and posed for the camera every time I was asked to. When climbing the stairs leading up to Eli’s Kitchen, I found the stabs of pain unbearable. I did not even sit down when I was invited to lest I am unable to spring up immediately when it is time for me to deliver my Talk. But soon, I was telling our story, sharing our learnings, answering questions from an audience, most of them expats, on happiness, love, compassion, Universal Energy, miracles and courage. In the 90-odd minutes that I shared, I did not experience any pain whatsoever. It must have been there. But my bliss overpowered it handsomely!

That experience last evening, yet again, reiterated in me the learning that immersion in the now always makes pain powerless. If you look deeply at whatever is causing you pain at the moment and stay in this moment, immersed in the now of reality, your mind will not even report the pain. This state is called Buddhahood.

Buddhahood is not an out-of-bounds state that is the prevail of an exclusive few. It is available to anyone. 24 x 7. And it is free. It is a truly liberating state. It comes with awareness of your present, of your now. So, in an extraordinary painful phase, when you are attending only to your pain, you miss, or you are absent from, the rest of the Life that is happening to you. But when you immerse yourself in the moment, like what happened with me yesterday, you are soaked in grace, in your bliss. That grace makes your pain powerless. This is not just true of physical pain, but works for emotional pain as well.

Simply, pain is powerful only when you give it the license to cause you suffering. And you suffer only when you wish your pain weren’t there in the first place. But pain is pain. It always comes uninvited, without checking, and at a time that it chooses. Which is why the Buddha famously said that suffering is optional while pain is inevitable. Osho, the Master, went a step further – he called suffering a human invention! So, don’t try to avoid or resist pain. Just don’t give it any attention. Choose not to suffer from it. Instead immerse yourself in everything else that’s happening to you, and you will make your pain powerless.

 

State your problem in < 140 characters. Twitter Therapy = absolute clarity!

It works big time!

We met someone recently who is very depressed and lost in Life. He said he’s out of money, he’s had a break-up, he’s not able to get along with his colleagues at work and has lost hope that anything “good” will happen in his Life! He spent an hour lamenting about his situation to us. Then, tired of his own rants, he confessed, “Honestly, I don’t even know which one is my problem – everything is so muddled, so depressing, so hopeless, so dark…”

I interrupted him. I said, “Do you have a Twitter account? If you don’t, set up one. And go define your problem as a single Tweet, within 140 characters. You don’t have to post your Tweet. Just use that opportunity to define your problem. See what happens and please share your learning with us.”

The gentleman appeared confused at first. But two days ago he called me to say, he was very clear the “technique” worked! He announced, “I was able to nail my problem – it is this: I am a constant complainer.”

I told him that if he was clear and convinced what his problem was, well, he surely knows what to do. He immediately agreed!

Twitter Therapy, if I may call it, has always worked for me. Most of the time, the human mind plays up unnecessary drama – events and emotions – that magnifies any given situation beyond proportion or at times, even clouds logical, practical thinking! This gentleman, for instance, was having a problem in his relationships because he was constantly complaining, depressed and negative. He has a job and a regular source of income, but he was constantly complaining of lack of money. So, for the longest time, he thought everything was wrong with everyone around him. Therefore, he was depressed. But when he tried to examine why he was feeling so, and tried to define his problem statement in 140 characters or less, without having the luxury to complain endlessly, he found that he needed to change himself for his Life to change.

Some years ago, when I was besieged by guilt, anger, hatred and grief, over my own mother calling me a cheat (read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal), for months on end I cooked within myself, suffering, suffering, suffering. Then I employed Twitter Therapy. I struggled with defining what my problem with being called a cheat by my mother was. I went on to explain past issues. Then justifications needed to be given. I had also to acknowledge my role in causing some of the poor chemistry between me and my mother. My first draft of the definition of my “problem relationship” with my mother was 10,000+ words long. After several rounds of editing, I managed to bring it to 1000 words and thought I couldn’t define it any briefer than that. That’s when I chanced upon Twitter as a medium for the first time – in 2009. And I thought up this why-not-define-your-problem-statement-in-a-Tweet idea! It worked big time. My problem statement was simple: Not just now, my mother never ever trusted me! Simple. Period. Immediately, acceptance came in. My anger, grief, guilt, hatred – all my debilitating emotions dissolved. Acceptance led me to complete inner peace.

Since then, I have always championed the use of Twitter Therapy. The import here is simple. Can you define your problem – whatever’s worrying you, disturbing you, haunting you, tormenting you – in one sentence? Can you keep that sentence crisp, clear and focused? Can it be said in 140 characters or less? If you can, then you have hit the core of your problem on its head. Once you know what the problem is, without any emotional underpinnings or layers, you can either attempt a careful resolution or you can accept it and move on. So, try it on whatever you are sweating over, worried about or fearing just now. Peel off all the drama and state your problem in 140 characters or less. You will feel liberated with the clarity, and inner peace, that follows!

Spike your ambitions with detachment and you will never be unhappy!

Rejections and delays can’t debilitate your spirit if you are aware!

“Can you stay detached while having wants, desires and ambitions,” asked a reader after reading my blogpost yesterday.

I replied: “Of course you can. That is what the whole point of understanding detachment and its practice is all about!”

Detachment is not trying to rid yourself of your wants, dreams, ambitions, aspirations or desires. The truth is you can never be in a desire-less state. What is a desire? It is a thought. You see an ice cream hoarding and a thought arises in you reminding you of how it tastes. If you dwell on that thought a trifle longer you may even start salivating – wanting the ice cream now! So it is with every thought. You cannot reach a state of thoughtlessness. As long as you are alive thoughts will arise. The key is to learn to aware of your thoughts and to train your mind so that your thoughts don’t hold you to ransom!

Thoughts on ambitions and dreams are perfectly normal. Whatever be your career goal or your deepest aspiration you must nurture it. There can be no progress without thoughts relating to your ambitions. So detachment is not about suppression. It is also not about running scared of wants and desires. Detachment is about being aware – that, in any context, in any situation, in Life, you are entitled only to your actions and not to the results or outcomes. Which is why detachment is not about inaction. You must act, you must strive, but you must also learn to remain detached from the results.

I used to imagine that detachment was impractical. For the longest time I believed that it was a Utopian state that could not be attained by ordinary mortals. But this past decade has been an awakening experience. In this time, Vaani and I have been making every possible effort to get our business back on track (read more here: Fall Like A Rose Petal). We have been discovering, repeatedly, that no matter how good we are or how hard we try, doors to a steady income don’t just open. Initially, we ended up being frustrated and dejected. After all, rejection and delays can debilitate your spirit. But when we examined the pattern closely, we found that there was nothing lacking in our efforts. Just that the results were not happening. So, we concluded that a. we must not blame ourselves if the results were not happening despite our best efforts and b. we are not the problem that we are dealing with. This awareness helped restore our self-esteem and self-confidence. This, in turn, has helped us plough on, no matter what is happening to us. This is how we learnt that detached determination is crucial to enduring inscrutable, inexplicable phases in Life. To be sure, we both are very ambitious – we want to repay all our debt, with full interest due, to the people we owe money to; we want to travel the world and live our Purpose of Inspiring Happiness among whoever cares to pause and reflect. Yes, we too have wants. And we have clear and lofty goals. But we are not frustrated, not any more, when our efforts don’t yield results. We have, if I may say so, spiked our ambitions with detachment! Which is why I call it detached determination. This is the secret of our happiness!

The truth about Life is that we must all wake up each morning and work enthusiastically doing whatever we can do best in any given situation. Beyond that, we must simply trust the process of Life. Not to try, not to work, that would be resignation, that means inaction. But to keep dreaming, to keep stoking your ambition constructively, to try and to keep trying, without getting depressed or frustrated, even when the results don’t add up, that is detachment.