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the happynesswalaᵀᴹ – "Inspiring 'Happyness'"ᵀᴹ! Sharing Life Lessons from Lived Experiences! Inspired Speaker, Life Coach and Author of "Fall Like A Rose Petal"!

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The AVIS Viswanathan Blog

Month: October 2022

Revolving door, evolving leadership

Go out an imaginary revolving door and come back into your Life with a fresh pair of eyes and an open mind. That’s how you evolve as a leader.

10-min read

A recent story, reported by Bloomberg, examined Ola founder and CEO Bhavish Aggarwal’s leadership style. The story called him “one of India’s most determined entrepreneurs” while, at the same time, calling him “a divisive startup kingpin”.

The story was peppered with anecdotes. One talked about Bhavish “punishing” a manager at Ola’s Futurefactory for a process deviation. The punishment: Run three laps around the plant! Another anecdote talks of him “directing Punjabi epithets at his staff”, “calling teams useless” and “ripping up presentations because of a missing page number”. The story reports that some managers and board members at Ola Electric are “vexed with Bhavish’s management style”.

Here are a couple of relevant quotes, from among a few, that are attributed to Bhavish in the Bloomberg story. They give us a peek into how he is seeing Life currently.

  • “Passions and emotions run high and we are not on an easy journey. My anger, my frustration – that’s me as a whole.”
  • “Not everybody is a fit for our culture.”

Bhavish could evolve as a leader

My soulmate Vaani and I have had a lousy experience every single time we have used Ola’s ride-hailing service. I remember writing to Bhavish too citing our terrible experiences and sharing our feedback. He never wrote back. Clearly, we are not fans of Ola.

However, even at the risk of sounding like I am defending Bhavish’s leadership style, I believe that he could evolve as a leader in the years to come. Leadership is an evolutionary journey. At 37, Bhavish is the way he is. But perhaps, over time, with reflection, through gleaning learnings from his current choices and attitude, he stands a good chance to evolve into a calmer, more resolute, sharper, and more effective leader.

Aggressive leadership is fine, but a toxic work culture is a no-no

It is quite common to find young people in leadership roles behave impatiently. Now, being impatient and temperamental is part of everyone’s evolutionary journey. This is how we all grow up, how we eventually learn to value being calm and anchored. Similarly, setting a scorching pace is often part of a young, aggressive, leader’s game and personality. And, therefore, demanding high-quality and high-performance from your team is absolutely fine too.

But a leadership style that induces fear, affects the dignity of colleagues and breeds a toxic work culture is a clear no-no.

That’s why a leader must keep their ears close to the ground: Are their team members acting out of a sense of purpose or are they operating from fear? Are they afraid of the leader, of losing their jobs? Are they working freely, happily or are they an unhappy workforce? 

The Bloomberg story does allude to Ola’s work culture possibly beginning to turn toxic. This is why it is perhaps a good time for Bhavish, as a leader, to pause and reflect.

Let’s take a moment here to understand leadership – and leaders.

Leadership is not about having power or position or title or money. Leadership is also not specific to a sector – like sports or politics or business.

It works well to have a simple definition for leadership. This is what Vaani and I understand it to be: Leadership is the ability to face any situation in Life and do what needs to be done, effectively and efficiently. Therefore, anyone can be a leader – no matter what role they are playing, or what circumstance they are dealing with, in Life. True leaders, over time, evolve to lead calmly. They learn this art through deep reflection. And this makes them lead with focus, in a hustle-free manner, in any given situation or context.

Deep understanding from lived experiences

This deep understanding of who leaders are and what leadership is comes from our own lived experiences.

I too was Bhavish’s age once. That was 18 years ago. And I too have been angry and frustrated at times when trying to build a world-class consulting firm.

Back in August 1996, as India celebrated its 50th year of Independence, Vaani and I set up imagequity+TM, Asia’s first reputation management firm. We envisioned imagequity+TM with a strong purpose. We set out to be the world’s best reputation management firm by making people realize the value of their reputation. So, everything we did at our firm, and for our customers, we believed, had to be world-class. And it surely was.

We had standards for emails, for presentation decks, for how we were attired when were at client meetings or events, for paper clips, and for the quality of the stationery we used too! We constantly talked to our team members about our purpose, our vision and our world-classness. Every time we had a conversation on who we were and what we were setting out to do, we emphasized on the why behind our actions. On our purpose.

Over the years, we took great care though that our aggression did not manifest as toxicity in our work culture. We ensured that our demand for setting and achieving world-class standards did not induce fear or affect the dignity of our colleagues.

Expunge fear, enable greatness

In his seminal work, Good To Great, Jim Collins, the management thinker, had a name for programs that enabled greatness in companies. He called them catalytic mechanisms.

Inspired by his idea, we too put in place initiatives that invoked soul, provoked thought and inspired constructive, qualitative, action among our team members.

One powerful catalytic mechanism we used was an internal quality scorecard. It was based on a concept called COPQ – the cost of poor quality. It was an idea that we borrowed from quality circles. Back then, the manufacturing industry alone measured the cost of poor quality. We brought this measurement practice into consulting.

Every daily task, breakthrough idea and achievement was rated transparently – and measured consistently. And each month, the team member who achieved the lowest COPQ score – which is, the one who delivered the highest quality – was feted.

We had a Wall of Shame in the office. This was a dynamic leaderboard for COPQ scores. We were an aggressive team. We were brutally transparent too. Our work philosophy was simple: A business enterprise that strives to stay world-class must think, work and deliver like a great sports team. So, you had no place to hide on our team. If your performance sucked, it showed. The Wall of Shame held up a mirror to everyone on the team. We championed this tenet repeatedly: If each one of us was not delivering high-quality, consistently, daily, then it was indeed shameful!

Leaders will receive flak

Surely, I have been criticized and critiqued for my leadership style.

I was blunt and in-the-face. And I certainly lost my temper when there were process deviations. The pressure was always high on the team – to improve, to perform and to deliver excellence every single time. My title at the firm was chiefdreamer. I knew, however, that my team members often called me chiefscreamer – referring to my aggressive leadership style!

Some team members also questioned the idea behind the COPQ system and the Wall of Shame. Do we need them? Why are we obsessing over minor detail? Why shame people into being qualitative instead of inspiring them?

Vaani and I did take every feedback on board. Seriously. But we remained sharply focused on our view that unless we paid major attention to minor detail, we would not be truly world-class.

The results showed. In 2000, our practitioner model for reputation management was rated as the world’s best by the industry’s apex body based in New York. Our clients loved us. They gave us repeat business. And all our new business came only from client referrals.

We also unfailingly celebrated excellence on our team: Some of our team members made their first international trips while they were working with us. In one year, the best performer on the COPQ scorecard even won a new Maruti Zen car!

World-classness is not a one-time feat

Undoubtedly, we had a very competitive, high-performance culture. Yet, while it was demanding, it was never toxic. It also was not fearful. I was pushy, but I was never abrasive.  Simply, at our firm, we worshipped world-classness and celebrated everyone who walked that path alongside us.

To Vaani and me, even today, world-classness is not a one-time feat. It is a daily quest. And we firmly believe in this principle: Unless you perfect your game, daily, you cannot stay on top of it, daily.

Therefore, to stay on top of the game, I have been impatient as a leader in the past, in my youth. I used to get frustrated quickly when people failed to understand why we did what we did. In my book, Fall Like A Rose Petal, I tell the story of how I dramatically fired a team member, for consistent instances of poor quality from him, by literally walking him out the door! There have also been times when I have expressed my frustration by banging my fist on the table. On a couple of occasions, I have even smashed my spectacles!

I have also carried my work – and related pressures and stresses – home. This means, I have taken phone calls at the dinner table or when on vacation with the family. Some of those phone calls invariably brought bad news. And I would immediately lose my cool. Unwittingly, I realize now, I have presented my angry side to Vaani and our two children on many occasions. However, I never had reason to be angry with any of them nor have I ever consciously taken out my anger on them.

An awakening, shameful, realization

Every time my anger subsided, I would be gripped by the realization that I could have avoided getting angry in the first place. And when the realization was wholesome, when it was total, it was a shameful and awakening one.

In April 2003, we took a values-based decision to choose the path of integrity and separated from an unethical client. Nothing wrong with that. The way we chose to run our business after this separation, however, led us on a downward spiral. In end-2007, our firm went bankrupt. And ever since, it has been so many years now, Vaani and I have been enduring this bankruptcy. You can read our story here and in Fall Like A Rose Petal.

In the years leading up to the bankruptcy, between 2003 and 2007, I was very lost in Life. I was in my late thirties. I began asking myself important, searching, questions on Life, about me, and about the circumstances we were faced with. It was a spiritual quest. It led me to deep-dive into a spiritual practice called mouna, of observing daily silence periods.

Early one morning, during one of my mouna sessions, I had an epiphany. I understood a simple, powerful, truth about my Life. I discovered that I was intrinsically unhappy being angry and frustrated. I understood that for my world to transform, for my Life to transform, I had to transform. I wholeheartedly embraced this process of transformation. I started seeking ways to understand how I could lead calmly, with focus and equanimity.

Going out the revolving door and coming back in

In his book, Only The Paranoid Survive, Intel founder Andy Grove talked about an idea that helps with reviewing and taking stock of decisions and situations. His idea deals with going out an imaginary revolving door and coming back into any complex situation with a fresh pair of eyes and an open mind.

What will you change about yourself, your choices, your decisions, to change your current reality? What must you do to be happy with the Life you have? What must you do with all those aspects of your Life that make you unhappy?

These are the questions I asked myself during my mouna sessions.

It was around this time that Eknath Eswaran’s book, Gandhi The Man, came into my Life. Reading this book helped me realize that anger was energy, which when channeled, could be deployed very constructively. What I learnt from Gandhi, the man, holds the key to my own personal transformation. I decided to channelize my anger for me to be spiritually stronger, wiser and, importantly, happy.

You see, anger is just plain, raw, energy. Like all other forms of energy, it too can be used constructively or destructively. We become angry when we dislike an experience intensely. And because we cannot immediately control what is happening to us, around us, we express ourselves angrily. Now, in such situations, we throw our anger at others around us because we are not channelizing this energy. When we are randomly angry, we are not in control. But when we channelize this energy and deploy it for a purpose that is larger, for making ourselves and our world better, we have the opportunity to leverage our anger constructively.

Now, being aware, being mindful, helps with keeping a watch on your anger – daily. In the real world, you cannot hope to dissolve your anger completely. You will have to overcome the temptation to be angry every time there is a provocation or upheaval. I still have those moments when some situations incite me. But my awareness alerts me instantly. And I drop anchor. I then let go of the choice to be angry. I enjoy those times when I have thwarted the urge to lose my temper! I celebrate my small wins daily on an equanimity scorecard that I have devised for myself.

To be angry is not wrong. But throwing anger around indiscriminately is wasting precious energy. Channelizing anger with a sense of purpose is living intelligently.

True leaders evolve with deep reflection

I am in my mid-fifties now. I certainly understand myself and Life better than when I was in my twenties, thirties and forties. I also know that my leadership style has evolved for the better through these years.

Clearly, you don’t always begin your leadership journey with either equanimity or wisdom. Your experiences, your choices and decisions, their outcomes, the learnings you glean from them through reflection, and all the course corrections you make along the way – all these contribute to your evolution as a leader.

Without the torrid test that we have been through over the last 16 years, Vaani and I would not have evolved to be the calm and anchored leaders that we are today. By going out the revolving door and coming back in to reflect deeply, through deploying anger constructively, and purposefully, our leadership has evolved. It has transformed us from being failed entrepreneurs (that’s what the world calls us!) to being the happynesswalasTM that we are today. We are not just surviving, we are thriving. We are living a Life of purpose – Inspiring ‘Happyness’ TM – among all those who care to pause and reflect!

Now, looking back, would we have liked to make some changes to the way we led and lived our Life? Actually, how can anyone undo the past? It was what it was. But, yes, we recognize that a dramatic, loud, standard like the Wall of Shame may have been unnerving for some. It was definitely avoidable. As it was to squander precious energy being angry and frustrated. But such is Life. All the choices we made have led to our evolution. We would not be who we are without being who we once were.

This is why I believe that leadership is an evolutionary journey. This is also why I am hoping that Bhavish could evolve to be a calmer, purposeful, leader.

Additional, relevant, links:

  • Rise In Love  – a 2015-documentary, made by a young filmmaker Shalu C. While focusing on the journey of Vaani and AVIS, the film explores how love thrives in the face of adversity. Viewing time: 30.18 minutes.
  • Fall Like A Rose Petal  – AVIS’ first book. It is the true story of AVIS’ and Vaani’s Life. It captures learnings from the excruciating, fascinating, Life-changing, experience – a crippling bankruptcy – that they are still going through.
  • Click here to know more about the happynesswalas TM, Vaani and AVIS.
  • If you wish to seek Vaani’s and AVIS’ perspectives on a Life challenge you are faced with, please reach out here – Let’s Talk Happyness TM!
Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 30, 2022December 10, 2022Categories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Awareness, Courage, Detachment, Ego, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Gandhi, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Inner Peace, Integrity of Purpose, Intelligent Living, Leadership, Let's Talk Happyness, Life, Life Lessons, Mindfulness, Mouna, Pause & Reflect, Purpose, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, Unhappiness, Why Me?, Why?, ZenTags Andy Grove, Anger, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, AVIS Viswanathan, Bankruptcy, Bhavish Aggarwal, Bloomberg, Catalytic Mechanisms, chiefdreamer, chiefscreamer, COPQ, Cost of Poor Quality, Daily silence periods, Eknath Eswaran, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Gandhi The Man, Good to Great, Happiness, imagequity+, Impatience, Inner Peace, Inspiring Happyness, Intel, Intelligent Living, Jim Collins, Leadership, Life, Life Lessons, Maruti Suzuki, Maruti Zen, Meditation, Mouna, Ola, Ola Electric, Ola Futurefactory, Only The Paranoid Will Survive, Purpose, Reflection, Reputation Management, Revolving door, Rise In Love, Silence, Spirituality, Temperamental, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, Toxic work culture, Transformation, Unhappiness, Values, Wall of ShameLeave a comment on Revolving door, evolving leadership

What Happiness is

AVIS-on-Happyness
Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 29, 2022Format ImageCategories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Celebrate Life, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Go with the Flow, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Intelligent Living, Life Lessons, Non-frustrated, Non-Suffering, Non-worrying, Pause & Reflect, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, ZenTags Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, AVIS Viswanathan, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Life, Life Lessons, Meditation, Mindfulness, Mouna, Non-complaining, Non-frustrated, Non-Suffering, Non-worrying, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalasLeave a comment on What Happiness is

Say ‘no’ when you must say ‘no’!

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Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 27, 2022Format ImageCategories Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Awareness, Courage, Detachment, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Fearlessness, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Inner Peace, Integrity of Purpose, Intelligent Living, Life Lessons, Pause & Reflect, Peace, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, ZenTags Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, AVIS Viswanathan, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Happiness is a Decision, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Life, Life Lessons, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, UnhappinessLeave a comment on Say ‘no’ when you must say ‘no’!

On being truly happy

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Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 25, 2022Format ImageCategories Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Celebrate Life, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Follow your Bliss, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Intelligent Living, Let's Talk Happyness, Life Lessons, Pause & Reflect, The Bliss Catchers, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, ZenTags Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS Viswanathan, Bliss, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Follow your Bliss, Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Life, Life Lessons, Spirituality, The Bliss Catchers, the happynesswala, the happynesswalasLeave a comment on On being truly happy

Make each moment a celebration

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Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 22, 2022Format ImageCategories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Celebrate Life, Contentment, Crisis, Detachment, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Failure, Faith, Go with the Flow, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Let Go, Let's Talk Happyness, Life Lessons, Live in the moment, Move On, Non-Suffering, Pain, Pause & Reflect, Peace, Spirituality, Suffering, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, ZenTags Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS Viswanathan, Celebrate Life, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Let Go, Life, Life Lessons, Live in the moment, Mindfulness, Move On, Non-Suffering, Pain, Spirituality, Suffering, the happynesswala, the happynesswalasLeave a comment on Make each moment a celebration

Learning to uncling from your sadness

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Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 20, 2022Format ImageCategories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Awareness, Detachment, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Failure, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Inner Peace, Let Go, Life Lessons, Move On, Non-Suffering, Pain, Pause & Reflect, Peace, Sad, Sadness, Spirituality, Suffering, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, Unhappiness, ZenTags Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS Viswanathan, Awareness, Celebrate Sadness to Celebrate Happiness, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Life, Life Lessons, Mindfulness, Sadness, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, Uncling, UnhappinessLeave a comment on Learning to uncling from your sadness

As long as you are in the game, anything is possible!

AVIS-on-Happyness
Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 18, 2022Format ImageCategories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Faith, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Intelligent Living, Let Go, Life Lessons, Living in the Present, Mindfulness, Move On, Pause & Reflect, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalasTags Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, AVIS Viswanathan, Equanimity, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Go with the Flow, Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Let Go, Life Lessons, Spirituality, Stay In The Game, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, Trust the process of LifeLeave a comment on As long as you are in the game, anything is possible!

35 years on, the romance stays fragrant!

True companionship is about loving someone continuously – no matter what the circumstances are.

7-min read

I make good coffee these days.

This is a new skill that I learnt from my soulmate Vaani just a couple of years ago. The coffee I make does not taste as great as the one Vaani makes though. But on some days, I am pretty close to getting the flavor, the temperature, the aeration and the rich frothy presentation just right!

Interestingly, I met Vaani for the first time on October 27, 1987; that was at the college we both attended. So, later this month, we will complete 35 years of knowing each other.

And beautifully, magically, our romance has stayed fragrant over all these years.

No, it’s not only making good coffee that has helped keep our romance fragrant. Actually, to tell you the truth, for the longest time, I did not quite get into our kitchen at all. I was not even always around to be involved with many things on the home front. I was busy building a career and was later obsessed with growing our business. 

Yet, over the years, as Vaani and I know it, we have stayed loving. Which is, we did not just fall in love in end-1987; we have stayed loving – in the present continuous – ever since.

Now, we have been married for close to 34 years. But it is also not the marriage that keeps us together. It is our companionship. It is our choice to stay loving that has helped us remain soulmates.

In this time, we have faced three major crises. Of these three, we are still enduring two: A crippling bankruptcy, for the last 16 years; and another, a serious situation that we wish to keep private, for a few years now.  

Even so, despite all the upheavals in our Life, our companionship has only grown stronger. And that is because we continue to relate to each other.

Blending as soulmates

In the initial years of our companionship, when Vaani and I were much younger, our physical presence with each other surely mattered. We have kissed on public transport and have waited long spells for the other to join in at meal times. I remember, on my first overseas trip, to Tokyo in 1992, in an era when there was no WhatsApp or Facebook, I wept like a baby while calling Vaani over phone. I was missing her a lot. We have done a lot of interesting stuff together too – from celebrating atop the Eiffel Tower, to exploring New Delhi on foot, to curating memorable vacation experiences for ourselves as a family.

Over the years, we have transcended the physicality of our relationship. Also, for a long time now, we have been out of cash to gift each other things for wedding anniversaries and birthdays. But the intensity of longing and belonging between us has not diminished even a wee bit. We have blended as soulmates.

A celebratory spirit defines our companionship

These days, on some mornings, I wake Vaani up with hot, steaming, filter coffee. I help her with the dishes and with housekeeping chores. I enjoy removing the paint off her nails as much as she loves trimming my hair to give my near-bald pate a refined look. Importantly, we enjoy being with each other. We listen to old Bollywood songs together, exploring each composition and the lyrics, and sharing notes on them. We do the linen and laundry together. We shop for our weekly supply of groceries together too.

Our spirit of companionship, we realize, is celebratory. From the smallest of mundane tasks to the infrequent wins that come our way, everything gets celebrated. And, non-complainingly, we accept – and celebrate – our pain too.

This spirit of companionship has helped us beyond just surviving the enduring, tumultuous, bankruptcy that we continue to deal with. In fact, we are thriving. As the happynesswalasTM, we are living a Life of purpose: Inspiring ‘Happyness’TM! As a couple, our relationship transcends the personal space. We complement each other as business partners too. We are dogged in our collective effort to turn around our business and financial fortunes. Our running between the wickets is remarkable; it is the principal reason why, against the odds, we are still in the game! Clearly, our romance is fragrant despite the circumstances.

Because of the bankruptcy, everything material has been taken away from us – work, business, money, cars, gold jewelry, investments…every thing has gone away. We haven’t even been able to buy each other birthday or anniversary gifts during the last 16 years. Yet, despite the excruciating circumstances, between spells of pennilessness and those few times of finding some work and money, we have learnt to count on each other for strength.

Importantly, we accept whatever comes our way. Whatever we can do, to cope with the challenges that we are faced with, is done well, to the best of our abilities. We give everything our 100% – together! We both have learnt the fine art of flowing with Life.

Just a few years ago, when I told Vaani that I was feeling bad that I had never gifted her a ring, she said, playfully: “Okay, gift me a pumpkin!” So I went over to the street market around the Mylapore tank in Chennai and got her a pumpkin. Just where the street hawker sat, there was a small store that sold fancy, fake, ornaments. I bought Vaani a rather cute imitation ring for ₹100. When I got home, I stuck the ring into the pumpkin. I then went down on one knee and presented my “gift” to Vaani! We both laughed, hugged and kissed each other. In another year, again, unable to find money to gift ourselves something for an anniversary, we leveraged an innovative offering, My Stamp, from India Post. We had stamps issued with our pictures on them for a small fee! It was a low-budget idea. But it was a very memorable way to celebrate!

The pumpkin-ring gift!
The AVIS-Vaani ‘My Stamp’ from India Post!

And there have been instances when all we have done is to sit quietly; processing all the pain that has been heaped on us by Life. I have often felt Gulzar’s lyrics from Aandhi (1975) come alive in those moments: “Jee mein aata hai, tere daaman mein, sar chupa ke hum, rotey rahein, rotey rahein…!” (I feel like crying endlessly, burying my head in your bosom!”) Even so, those tender moments have always been a quiet celebration – of our being there for each other!

Disagree, differ; but never say: “I told you so!”

Surely, Vaani and I sometimes disagree with each other. On what we must do with a situation we are dealing with. Or over an opinion we may have. But we have always followed a simple, unstated, principle between us: We never tell each other, “I told you so!” Which is, we may differ on approaches and views, but when we move forward, we are together in it. When a decision that one of us has taken misfires, we don’t display any one-upmanship or indulge in blame games. Now, that is a unique quality that we share as a couple. That’s how we have been able to face what Life has thrown at us. That’s how we have hung on to each other on this incredible roller-coaster ride that we are on.

A marriage often places an unnecessary full stop in a relationship

Vaani and I have both discovered that true companionship is about loving someone continuously. It goes beyond just providing and protecting. It is about being there, no matter what happens. It is about being non-judgmental. Therefore, to build and sustain a great, happy relationship, you don’t actually need a marriage as a social contract, you need companionship.

When people struggle in a relationship or in a marriage, I believe that they are essentially missing the companionship, that once was, between them. They may be in a relationship between them. But are they still relating to each other? When the relating is not there anymore, the relationship too is not relevant. It has perhaps been dead a long time ago!

That’s why people drift apart after falling in love and getting married because they have subconsciously compartmentalized their lives – one part that was before the marriage and the other part that is after the marriage. So, in essence, the event of a marriage places a full stop in a relationship. It pronounces the end of one phase of the relationship and begins another. This full stop is totally unnecessary.

Being happy being with each other

The truth about Life is that everything new, over time, will start seeming and feeling old. Also, how people look and how they – and others – feel about their physical appearance surely changes with age. With the passage of time, and thanks to the upheavals of everyday Life, romance does end up receiving lower priority. Every couple has to face this brutal reality. You see, the courtship is now over, and the marriage is done and dusted. That’s why people who fall in love, fall out of love too.

But what if you were to imagine that the marriage never took place? Won’t the loving be continuous then?

AVIS-on-Happyness

Life’s beauty lies in staying loving…in the present continuous, irrespective of the circumstances.

That’s the way Vaani and I treat our Life. We married to fulfil societal norms that were more pronounced back then. Period. But we haven’t settled for having fallen in love and married. In fact, we never see our marriage as a defining, epochal, event. Instead, we have let our companionship thrive. Our loving remains ongoing. And we both continue to rise in love. This is why we are happy being with each other!

Vaani and AVIS, December 2018.

The key to Happiness is to never let marriage place a full stop in your relating, your loving. Treat marriage as just another date in your courtship calendar. Then the journey together, no matter what the circumstances you both are faced with, will be a continuous, never-ending, celebration!

And the romance, well, will always remain fragrant!

Additional, relevant, links:

  • Rise In Love  – a 2015-documentary, made by a young filmmaker Shalu C. While focusing on the journey of Vaani and AVIS, the film explores how love thrives in the face of adversity. Viewing time: 30.18 minutes.
  • Fall Like A Rose Petal  – AVIS’ first book. It is the true story of AVIS’ and Vaani’s Life. It captures learnings from the excruciating, fascinating, Life-changing, experience – a crippling bankruptcy – that they are still going through.
  • Click here to know more about the happynesswalasTM, Vaani and AVIS.
  • If you wish to seek Vaani’s and AVIS’ perspectives on a Life challenge you are faced with, please reach out here – Let’s Talk HappynessTM!
Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 17, 2022October 30, 2022Categories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Celebrate Life, Companionship, Compassion, Contentment, Courage, Crisis, Divinity, Equanimity, Face Life, Failure, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Grace, Gratitude, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Inner Peace, Integrity of Purpose, Intelligent Living, Let's Talk Happyness, Life Lessons, Love, Non-frustrated, Non-Suffering, Non-worrying, Pause & Reflect, Purpose, Relationships, Rise In Love, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, ZenTags Aandhi, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS Viswanathan, Bankruptcy, Companionship, Crisis, Eiffel Tower, Fall in Love, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Fragrant romance, Gulzar, Happiness, India Post, Inner Peace, Inspiring Happyness, Intelligent Living, Life, Life Lessons, Love, Love your crisis, Marriage, My Stamp, Mylapore tank, RD Burman, Relating, Relationships, Rise In Love, Romance, Soulmates, Spirituality, Tere bina zindagi mein shiqwa toh nahin, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, VaaniLeave a comment on 35 years on, the romance stays fragrant!

The way to flow with Life

AVIS-on-Happyness
Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 15, 2022Format ImageCategories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Detachment, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Go with the Flow, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Intelligent Living, Let Go, Life Lessons, Non-Suffering, Pain, Pause & Reflect, Spirituality, the happynesswala, ZenTags Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, AVIS Viswanathan, Desire, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Flow with Life, Go with the Flow, Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Let Go, Life, Life Lessons, Move On, Non-Suffering, Pain, Spirituality, Suffering, Suffering is avoidable, the happynesswala, the happynesswalasLeave a comment on The way to flow with Life

Be non-worrying

Be non-worrying
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Author AVIS ViswanathanPosted on October 13, 2022October 13, 2022Format ImageCategories Acceptance, Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, Detachment, Enlightenment, Equanimity, Face Life, Faith, Happiness, Help Yourself to Happiness, Intelligent Living, Let Go, Life Lessons, Non-worrying, Resilience, Spirituality, the happynesswala, Worry, ZenTags Art of Living, AVIS on Happyness, AVIS on Leadership, AVIS Viswanathan, Fall Like A Rose Petal, Happiness, Inner Peace, Intelligent Living, Life, Life Lessons, Non-worrying, Spirituality, the happynesswala, the happynesswalas, WorryLeave a comment on Be non-worrying

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Advisory & Disclaimer

1. The author, AVIS, shares Life lessons here that he has gleaned from his lived experiences. AVIS has nothing against or for any religion. If the reader has a learning to share, they are most welcome. If the reader makes a communal or inflammatory or derogatory comment, or presents a view which may affect the sentiments of other followers/readers, then this Blog’s administrators may have to regrettably delete such a comment and even block such a follower. 2. The lived experiences shared here and the learnings gleaned from them are unique and personal to AVIS. The copyright for all original content here, that has been written/created by AVIS, belongs to AVIS Viswanathan. Important, AVIS has no interest in either infringing upon or claiming copyright of any referenced material published on this Blog. The images/videos used on this Blog, that are not created by AVIS, are purely for illustrative purposes. They belong to their original owners/creators. The author does not intend profiting from them nor is there any covert claim to copyright any of them.

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